The Onion

You know, when the Founding Fathers embarked on the American experiment back in the day, I don’t think any of us could have imagined the country doing this well. It all seemed so strange and uncertain at the time, yet here we are, 250 years later and still going strong. And, say, maybe this is just the neurosyphilis talking, but I’m honestly quite proud of what America has be...

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WASHINGTON—As he described their five-day stint in a padded room and warned Americans against voting for the U.S. Senate candidate, President Donald Trump claimed Thursday that he shared a cell with James Talarico in an insane asylum. “Talarico says he was sick with the flu, but don’t believe the lies—I was held captive with him in the Ohio State Penitentiary for the Criminal...

WASHINGTON—After sneaking into his Executive Residence bedroom in order to acquire the commander-in-chief’s briefs, special assistant to the president Natalie Harp was reportedly caught Thursday raiding Donald Trump’s underwear drawer. “We heard muffled grunting and sniffing from behind the president’s door, and so our team burst in immediately to neutralize any potential thr...

As they mark the nation’s anniversary, citizens are taking particular joy basking in the ingenuity, grit, entrepreneurial spirit, and work ethic that have made our country an unparalleled powerhouse of innovation. Here are the greatest American inventions.