The Onion

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A Pew study found that China was viewed more favorably than America among the 36 countries surveyed, reporting 46% and 36% favorability respectively. What do you think?

“Popularity is just a Chinese conspiracy.”

SANTA FE, NM—Grunting with exertion as he hauled the weighty volume out of his satchel, author George R.R. Martin was seen Tuesday handing his agent an unsolicited, 4,000-page manuscript titled “Tuba Man, Scuba Man.” “Hey, remember that idea I had about a big band leader using a tuba as a diving bell to bring jazz to an underwater civilization of mermaids? Well...

WASHINGTON—Apologizing to his fellow congressmen after he fumbled the wooden handle for the fifth time in a row, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was observed struggling to hold his speaker gavel Tuesday while wearing anti-masturbation mitts. “The House will come to order—oops, hold on, one minute,” said the Louisiana Republican, appearing to perspire heavily as the mallet o...

BLÁSKÓGABYGGÐ, ICELAND—Expressing regret that the interruption would delay the highly anticipated video game adaptation, the producers of A24’s upcoming Elden Ring film announced Tuesday that the project had stalled after a red phantom named TwinkPunisher invaded the set. “Despite our security team’s best efforts, a loincloth-wearing invader with the handle TwinkPuni...