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SpaceX recently unveiled plans to construct a $100 billion spaceport in Louisiana, which CEO Elon Musk has said will be “the biggest launch site on Earth.” The Onion shares everything you need to know about the facility.
Q: Why Louisiana?
A: To give locals the no-brainer choice between living in Louisiana and dying in space.
...SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming that the small adjustment would be an effective way to bolster public support, artificial intelligence strategist Mark Freeling advised tech firms Tuesday to start calling data centers “computer parties.” “While the term ‘data centers’ currently has many negative associations, the word ‘computer parties’ is just plain fun,” said Freeling, who in a prese...
ARLINGTON, TX—Noting the text was “chock-full” of anti-vampire bias, local woman Anna Lambert told reporters Tuesday that the author of the book she was reading had clearly been betrayed by a vampire in his past. “He definitely has an ax to grind, because this vampire character is written as a total monster,” said Lambert, who frowned as she read a passage describing the crea...
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Hoping that imagery strongly associated with success and winning will reignite fan enthusiasm, the New York Jets unveiled a line of “Philadelphia Eagles”–themed alternate jerseys Thursday in an effort to boost merchandise sales. “After several difficult seasons, we wanted to give Jets fans a shade of green that lets them proudly show their support,” said t...
NEW YORK—Condemning the widespread practice as “cruel and inhumane,” animal rights activists reportedly made comments Tuesday decrying the meat industry for separating calves from their cool uncles. “It should shock our collective conscience that calves as young as a few hours old are ripped away from their mothers’ fun, easygoing brothers,” said activist Heather Bolton, addi...