theonion

MURCIA, SPAIN—Sending shock waves through the tennis world, world No. 2 Carlos Alcaraz officially withdrew from the French Open on Monday over a career-threatening haircut. “After careful consideration, we have decided that the most prudent decision is not to participate in Rome or Roland-Garros while we wait to assess the severity of this tragic styling choice,” said a repre...

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BOULDER, CO—Assuring himself that the rationale for the ritualized surgery would be revealed in due course, cult member Jason Fitzpatrick told reporters Friday that he assumed the reason everyone’s penises were cut off would eventually come up in conversation. “The last thing I want to do as a new recruit is come in demanding explanations for every little thing that goes...

A nonprofit in Rwanda gave gorillas bank accounts as a way to provide compensation to those who render assistance to them, with both the government and donors funding the project. What do you think?

“So I wasn’t imagining what I saw at the ATM.”

The 2026 Met Gala will take place Monday, May 4. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the annual star-studded event.

Invitees aware the Met is a museum

Floor where the real Anna Wintour is safely stored while her decoy attends the gala

Target gift card awarded to “Best Dressed” winner