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In the Russian city of Irkutsk, the death of a plague researcher from a mysterious illness has stoked fears of an outbreak. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the emerging situation.
Q: What is the Irkutsk Anti-Plague Research Institute?
A: An on-the-nose alibi.
Q: Should I be worried?
BISMARCK, ND—Admitting that it had let the other 49 states do “pretty much all of the heavy lifting,” North Dakota issued a formal apology Tuesday for contributing nothing to the nation’s greatness. “Look, we acknowledge that we don’t exactly bring much to the table besides being a cold, windy rectangle on the map, and for that we want to say we’re sorry,” said Gov. Kelly Arm...
NEW YORK—Condemning the semiaquatic seabirds’ heretical acts as an affront to the principles the organization was founded to sustain, Audubon Society officials released a statement Monday formally excommunicating penguins. “These flightless beasts have committed acts of unforgivable schism against the avian community, and in the eyes of the Audubon Society penguins are now fa...
The post Marathoner Already Pissing Self Half-Mile In appeared first on The Onion.
In what would be the nation’s first public execution in 90 years, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced the Pentagon would livestream Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan’s death by firing squad. What do you think?
“My money’s on the firing squad.”
Steve Ovidiu, Fluid Techn...