The Onion

BATON ROUGE, LA—Enhancing the top-tier socializing in ways that would have seemed impossible just moments previously, the phrase “It’s been real” pushed an already great hangout with a friend into heretofore unknown levels of bliss, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Holy shit, I didn’t think things could be any more amazing than they already were after drinking a couple beers and...

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Assuring viewers that all the characters on the Apple TV show still loved them very much, Ted Lasso producers released a statement Wednesday warning fans that the show was going “bye-bye” for a bit. “Just like all you busy boys and girls, sometimes Ted Lasso gets tired and needs to rest,” said series co-creator Bill Lawrence, who spoke in a...

WASHINGTON—As they emerged from their smoldering, star-spangled chronochamber and urged the public to heed a consequential message, time travelers from the year 2376 attempted to warn the nation Saturday of a future in which the United States was still perfect. “Americans, we come to you on your semiquincentennial with a dire dispatch: You must keep up the great work, because...

President Trump announced that he is sending $90 checks to senior citizens enrolled in Medicare to offset the cost of rising premiums, amounting to $2 billion in total as he attempts to shore up flagging support from the crucial voting block before the upcoming midterms. What do you think?

Disgraced former House Speaker Dennis Hastert has died at 84, the Republican having once been imprisoned for a hush money scheme intended to cover up his repeated molestation of teen athletes. What do you think?

“From the first couple sentences I’ve read about him, he sounds like a...