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The Onion

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Kristi Noem Fired As DHS Secretary

Kristi Noem was fired from her post as Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security and will be replaced by Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), the embattled Noem’s exit following intense public backlash to her handling of Trump’s immigration crackdown and mishandling of department funds. What do you think?


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Kristi Noem Reassigned To Scarecrow Role At USDA

WASHINGTON—Characterizing her new role in the middle of an Iowa corn field as a better fit for her skill set, the White House announced Friday that former Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem had been reassigned as a scarecrow at the USDA. “While she clearly struggled in her prior position, we realized Kristi still had more than enough ability to serve this presidency by f...


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Trump To Americans: ‘You Won’t Have To Pay Your Son’s Cell Phone Bill When He Dies At War’ 

WASHINGTON—Striking a note of optimism as the prospects for a protracted conflict with Iran grew likelier, President Trump on Friday urged Americans to bear in mind that they’ll no longer have to pay their son’s cell phone bill if he dies at war. “You may be grieving at first, but, believe me, you’ll be smiling when you see how much less you’re shelling out every month,” said...


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Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead

The post Stoic Kristi Noem Bears Firing With Stiff Upper Lip, Chin, Cheeks, Forehead appeared first on The Onion.


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DOJ Employee Charged In Child Pornography Case

Longtime Justice Department employee Timothy Parsons, a legal staffer in the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Washington, D.C., was arrested and charged in a child pornography case and is facing federal criminal charges in Maryland. What do you think?

“It’s kind of embarrassing to be a pe...


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