The Onion

BOSTON—In an effort to entice Giannis Antetokounmpo to join the franchise, the Boston Celtics announced Tuesday that guard Payton Pritchard was now the two-time MVP’s brother. “We understand it would be difficult for Giannis to leave Thanasis and Alex behind in Milwaukee, but we want him to know his beloved brother Payton is already right here in Boston waiting for him,” said...

Ben Landau and William Roth: The happy couple married in a rusty grain silo Saturday after learning the price of renting out the barn.

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Every time I turn on the news, there’s something dreadful happening. Drugs pouring into our communities, innocent people dying in the streets, chaos unfolding in practically every corner of the country. Things outside the U.S. aren’t much prettier. Famine, war, poverty, terrorism. When did things get so hard? When did we become so divided? Basically it seems like the...

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