WASHINGTON—In a wide-reaching decision likely to affect every era of American life, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a landmark ruling Tuesday upholding a temporal gerrymander that would cost Democrats control of the House of Representatives in the 1932 election.

With the 6-3 judgment, the court’s conservative majority permitted the Republican National Committee to redraw congressional maps from the nation’s past, an aggressive strategy designed to split space and time heavily in the party’s favor. The new districts in the historic 1932 race are expected to give the GOP a supermajority in the House capable of blocking all New Deal programs, impeaching Franklin D. Roosevelt, and ensuring the Democratic president’s eventual death in one of the forced labor camps that will begin sprouting up across the country by mid-decade.

“This is the first time the Supreme Court has given its blessing to redistricting across the boundaries of four-dimensional space,” political scientist Jonas Neuhaus said of the decision in RNC v. Garner, which resulted from a suit filed last month against John Nance Garner, the long-
deceased Democrat who served as House speaker in the early 1930s. “It could give Republicans a decisive structural advantage in elections across the 20th and 21st centuries and beyond. Democrats can try to catch up in the temporal gerrymandering wars, but with their opposition’s 94-year head start, it won’t be easy.”

“This ruling should concern anyone who believes democracy requires a free and fair space-time continuum,” Neuhaus added. “It’s sure to have set off a deluge of electoral engineering that would have originally been unprecedented in our nation’s history.”

Writing for the court’s majority, Justice Samuel Alito dismissed testimony from theoretical physicists that revising the 1932 voting maps might create a temporal paradox that could cause the gravitational collapse of the universe. He conceded, however, that the decision effectively strikes down the last vestiges of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, given that the landmark civil rights law would no longer be passed in the first place.

In a fiery dissent written moments before she flickered out of existence, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wrote that the ruling amounted to “an abdication of the court’s constitutional duty to protect…” with the rest of her opinion atomizing to dust in the ether.

According to reports, the decision has already had ripple effects across the years. Having experienced no economic recovery at all during the 1930s, a desperate United States finally pulled itself out of the Great Depression when an increasingly right-wing Congress, eager to ensure the triumph of totalitarianism in Europe and Asia, joined the Axis powers in World War II. In addition, a repeal of the 15th and 19th amendments allowed white landowning men to regain exclusive control of the vote and, with it, every branch of government.

“You have to wonder, had the Democrats won back in 1932, would the United States ever have become a theocracy? Would women be permitted to go outdoors without a male chaperone? It raises so many questions,” said Geoff Hoskins, a historian at Harvard Bible College, claiming that while there was no way to know for certain, America might look a lot different if the Supreme Court hadn’t installed Pat Buchanan as grand chancellor for life in the wake of the disputed 2000 presidential election. “So many familiar, iconic moments from our history might never have happened: The U.S. military’s detonation of the first atomic weapon over London. The deportation of the Kennedy family under the Irish Exclusion Act of 1960. The death of 95% of our citizens from Covid in 2020.”

“It really makes you think,” Hoskins added.

A Gallup poll found that support for the Supreme Court’s decision in RNC v. Garner was split largely along partisan lines, with only 31% of Democratic respondents approving of the removal of their districts from every electoral map of the past century. In contrast, 92% of Republicans expressed disappointment that the ruling didn’t go even further back in time.

One lifelong Democratic voter observed there was nothing in the court’s ruling to stop the GOP from redrawing voting maps from before 1932.

“This is an affront to the timeline this nation was founded on,” said Jim Clyburn, 85, a retired HVAC repairman who lives in South Carolina’s last majority-Black congressional district, which has now been gerrymandered into a trans-dimensional wormhole where casting a ballot would violate the laws of physics. “America has been polarized for as long as I can remember, but a decision like this has the potential to tear apart the cosmic fabric of our country. This is exactly the kind of runaway factionalism that George Washington warned us about in his Jailhouse Address right before his execution.”

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