The Babylon Bee

EGYPT — Zaphenath-paneah, also called Joseph, successfully rescued the land from the grip of severe famine this week after wisely advising Pharaoh to stock up on emergency food buckets from My Patriot Supply.

PITTSBURGH, PA — Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Aaron Rodgers decided to give up the psychedelic ayahuasca after getting sacked last Sunday by Big Bird.

FRAMINGHAM, MA — In a surprising twist on a popular home décor motif, the home furnishing retail chain HomeGoods was now selling signs that read, "Live, Laugh, Strangle Your Kids If You're Sad, Love."

TULSA, OK — Eyewitnesses at a local Teppanyaki steakhouse sat with growing anticipation on Thursday after observing head chef Hiroshi Tanaka smiling slyly as he clearly had something clever planned for the onion he had in his hand.

U.S. — After a terrorist attack on the Mall of America was narrowly thwarted yesterday, experts warned that terrorist activity could spread beyond Minneapolis to the United States of America.