Renewedhopeparenting

Creating a Family Standard

Thu, 13 Aug 2020 18:16:29 GMT

I encourage you to make time for family meetings. When things are calm, you can discuss expectations and consequences if necessary. You can openly discuss your expectations on behavior and following rules. Your kids can even be part of the boundary making process. You can also see where your kids may be lacking in the love tank area and find ways to fill them up.

Creating a family standard needs to include the opinions of everyone and reflect your family values. Certain boundaries can be made together, like agreements on screen time or curfew.

Kids need to be part of the family team so they feel important, valued, and loved. Ultimately, parents are the the team captains, but that doesn’t mean we don’t include the ideas and opinions of the rest of the team.

Here are some key points on creating a family standard and family meetings:

Kids are more likely to comply and help if they feel heard, appreciated, and part of a team.
Ask everyone what kind of family they want to be part of.
Ask everyone to talk about family values.
Establish expectations for behaviors. (Like doing homework, not asking for things over and over after being told “No”)
Discuss consequences. For instance, let your teen know they lose the privilege to drive if they don’t fill the car with gas or drive recklessly. Or, let your child know they may lose out on a movie if they don’t have their homework done or weren’t kind to you.
Let them know consequences vary based on age and not every child will have the same expectations and consequences.
Create mutual respect among the family by being empathetic, understanding, responsive, and allowing everyone to be part of the team.
It’s OK to disagree. But we have to learn to respectfully disagree.
Ask, “What can we do as a family to make us the best family we can be?”
Discuss areas we all need to work on.
If there are serious areas that need work, this may better be done in private with that child. We don’t want to embarrass them in front of siblings.
Use helpful language: “I noticed we are having this problem. How do you think we can solve it?”
Make lists of ways to solve problems.
Set a good example. Be vulnerable enough to admit you have areas to work on too.
Make sure you discuss love tanks. “How do you feel loved?” “What do I do that makes you feel loved?”
Have regular check-ins.

Maintaining a positive and safe family environment can take work, but it is well worth it. Again, we can’t prevent all undesired behavior. Sometimes kids need to mess up to learn consequences. That’s when we meet them with love and empathy and follow through on the outcomes. We can take some small steps within our family to prevent some grocery store meltdowns or battles over chores. Our relationship with our kids is worth the effort.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

Follow Renewed Hope Parenting on Facebook, Pinterest

You may also like:

Preventative Parenting

Teaching Kids to Argue

Becoming a Safe Place for our Kids: Communication Tips

The Advantage of Affection

Emotional Intelligence

Importance of Chores

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Preventative Parenting

Tue, 11 Aug 2020 17:05:44 GMT

Preventative Parenting

Taking a few moments to consider Preventative Parenting steps and working to include these into your family life, can decrease many common childhood misbehaviors. When we fall into the trap of thinking we need bigger and better consequences, we often fail to miss how easy it is to prevent undesired behavior. The key to Preventative Parenting is being proactive, so that you don’t have to be reactive when kids misbehave. Including these in your family life won’t eliminate all undesired behavior, but these practices can have a large impact on preparing for difficult parenting situations before they arise. There are some situations we simply can’t plan for. But we can use these principles to guide our parenting through the hard moments.

Here are a few of the most common methods of Preventative Parenting, or parenting to prevent misbehavior. Remember, this is about being proactive.

Relationship & Connection: The biggest thing we can do in our parenting is focus on our relationship with our kids. It is the foundation of all our parenting. When we focus on loving our kids, filling their love tanks, and connecting with them, they are less likely to have major behavior problems. Our kids will still make mistakes, but we can have them deal with the consequences while still being empathetic and loving.

Be Aware & Recognize Triggers: Maybe you’ve had several grocery store meltdowns or numerous fights over homework. Or you just know there’s a sibling fight brewing. Constantly being aware of what causes undesired behavior or what causes kids to feel like their love tanks are running on empty sets us up to prepare for these moments before they arise. When you know what sets you or your kids off, you can talk about it in calmer times or discuss what consequences will be. Have a discussion in the car before getting to the grocery store and have consequences ready if our kids still make mistakes. Talk about homework before the battle starts and lovingly follow through.

Teachable moments: We are our child’s first teacher. Not only for academics, but for life. We are their first and most important teacher for social norms, friendship, empathy, and how to love and live. This means we need to find teachable moments throughout our interactions with our kids. Not only showing them letters and numbers at the grocery store, but also finding opportunities to talk about discipline and following rules. We need to teach them the basics and build upon that as they grow. While driving to school, we can talk about why we don’t speed. Not just to avoid a costly ticket, but also because it keeps everyone safer. On the way to the grocery store, we can have a discussion about what we expect. We can let them know how we expect them to behave while things are calm.

Questions will stimulate their thinking: Helping them focus on what they can do helps keep them positive. Creating a family blueprint or family standard allows everyone to see they are part of a team and a needed part of the family dynamics. Ask them what they think good choices will be.

Emotional Intelligence: Sometimes when our kids are struggling, it’s because they are overwhelmed with their own feelings. There is often something underlying when we have behavior problems. We can teach them it’s OK to feel our feelings, but we have to manage how we express these feelings. We can teach them to label our feelings and what healthy coping mechanisms are. (Read more on teaching Emotional Intelligence here.)

Work on Your Child From the Inside Out: Much like working on your relationship, this idea focuses on internal work. Notice your child’s positive character traits and things they do well. Point those out and foster their unique skills. The more we build up our child, the better they feel about themselves, and the better they want to behave. (Here is an article on building self-worth.)

Choices & Control: Giving away control is both a preventative measure and a way to manage behavior. The more choices we give our kids, the more power they have in their lives. Power struggles typically happen because kids don’t feel like they have any control or power in their lives. This is also a common reason behind bullying. To prevent power struggles, we tell parents to give their kids as many choices as possible. This can be as simple as, “Do you want the red or blue cup?” “Do you want to eat three more bites or four?” “Do you want to come home at 9:30 or 10?” “How do you want to solve this problem?” The options you give are all fine with you but it gives your child the chance to have control over their lives. We all need to have that feeling of control, and when kids don’t have it, they try to fight for it. (Read more on The Power of Choices here.)

Creating a Family Standard: Creating a family standard needs to include the opinions of everyone and reflect your family values. Certain boundaries can be made together, like agreements on screen time or curfew. Others happen in the moment, like the first time your toddler hits someone, or the first time you hear the words, “I hate you!”

By: Emily Scott, PhD

Follow Renewed Hope Parenting on Facebook, Pinterest

You may also like:

Teaching Kids to Argue

Becoming a Safe Place for our Kids: Communication Tips

The Advantage of Affection

The Importance of Empathy

The post Preventative Parenting appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Easy Family Conversation Starters

Mon, 01 Jun 2020 01:22:04 GMT

Our relationship with our kids is the foundation of our parenting. We need that strong attachment and firm relational base. One of the best ways to foster this relationship is through conversation. Here are a few of our favorite easy conversation starters with kids. These can be adjusted to any age. Have fun and answer the questions yourself!

Follow Renewed Hope Parenting on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter for more on parenting!

You may also like:

Emotional Intelligence for Kids

Chores are the Biggest Predictor for Adult Success

Building Self-Worth

Boredom Doesn’t Need a Quick Fix

Parenting on the Same Page

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Quick Tips to Renew Your Parenting

Wed, 11 Mar 2020 20:50:53 GMT

Over the years we have worked with many parents on renewing their parenting. Here are a few of our favorite quick tips on renewing your relationship with your kids and your overall parenting.

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All quotes and images (c) Emily Scott, PhD Renewed Hope Parenting

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

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Emotional Intelligence: The Key to Raising Healthy Adults

Sun, 08 Mar 2020 02:14:45 GMT

Emotional Intelligence

The Key to Raising Healthy Adults

Teaching emotional intelligence to our kids is one of the best things we can do for them. Emotional intelligence is one of the keys to raising a successful and emotionally and mentally healthy adult. It is also a huge preventative parenting step. The better we teach our kids what emotions are and how to deal with them, the better choices they can make and the less behavior problems we often have.

Research has shown that kids who have parents who emotionally support them and who become able to manage their emotions do better in school, relationships, can bounce back faster when distress hits, have resilience, and have fewer behavior problems. Having a parent who is an emotional support has also shown to act as a buffer to some the negative consequences of parental separation.

But in order to help them create a life that is full of better experiences, we need to help our kids learn the valuable lessons of emotional health.

We need to show them how to handle the many feelings and emotions that go into life.

We need to coach and support them.

We need them to know there are numerous emotions they will feel, and that they are usually only temporary. It is OK to feel a mix of emotions (as we often feel a mix of sadness and excitement as our kids grow up).

The emotions we feel tell us something about what’s going on inside ourselves and we can learn how to more effectively handle the uncomfortable emotions like anger and sadness.

Furthermore, modeling healthy emotions is important for our kids. If they see us blow our tops each time we get angry, what do you think their reaction will be when they get angry? They learn to live what they see. It is incredibly difficult to manage our own emotions as adults, especially when our kids do the many things that can lead us to frustration. (Believe me I get it.) And we can’t be perfect all the time. So, when we do get angry and yell, we need to show our kids how to apologize. When we get so angry, we don’t know what to do, we need to model how to take a break to calm down before we let a reaction become a regret.

Emotion Dismissing Parents

We will start this discussion with what an emotion dismissing parent looks like.

Often emotion dismissing parents are impatient with negative emotions. We either don’t want to deal with the negative emotions, get overwhelmed with them, or just want our kids to move on and be happy again. We don’t need to tell our kids “to get over it” or “you shouldn’t feel that way.” Or anything similar. Their emotions are valid.
We also don’t need to rush in a rescue from sad emotions.
Parents who have a focus on emotions are also careful not to dismiss emotions simply because they came from a child. It is easy to tell our kids not to be scared of the dark, but that fear is very real to the kids. It is important for us to show kids that their feelings have value and are real for them.
Allowing kids to feel their uncomfortable or inconvenient emotions helps them see that they are their own person with feelings. Instead of seeing their emotion as an inconvenience, we see it as a means to build our relationship and connect, or as a way to solve a problem.
Sometimes we simply want our kid to feel better quickly or we are too busy to deal with the problem at hand. We all do it from time to time.
We may also punish a child for their feelings. And important point to make here is that we don’t want to punish a child because of their feelings. All feelings are valid. But, kids need to learn that their behavior when they are angry or sad is what matters. So, while we don’t want to punish for anger, we should have logical consequences for calling Mom or Dad a name while they are angry, or hitting little brother.
Sometimes this type of parent thinks that an uncomfortable emotion being expressed from a child is a bad reflection on them as a parent. If my kid is angry, I must be doing something wrong. Or I am a bad parent because I can’t keep my kid happy. Life is full of complex emotions and these are often strong for kids.

Emotional Support Parent

So, what does it look like to emotionally support our kids and help them grow into adults who can self-regulation and handle life when it gets hard?

Here is what an Emotional Support Parent often looks like — Think of this as a “How-To” of teaching emotional intelligence:

Validate their experience and respect their feelings, however silly they may seem.
Teach them to label emotions.
Teach them to have healthy coping mechanisms or tools to work through emotion. Maybe that means taking a break, or hitting a pillow, or taking deep breaths, or special recognition (count 5 blue things in the room).
We can open the lines of emotional communication with our empathy and understanding. Always, always, always lead with empathy before lectures, advice, or help. This opens their minds to thinking and shows them we are there in support.
Asking questions is usually better than making statements. It’s gets them thinking. “How are you feeling?” “What made you feel this way.” What questions are typically best, because they can describe what happened.
They also set important boundaries with love. Sure, it’s OK to get mad at your sibling. But it is never OK to hit them out of anger, and there will be appropriate consequences for hitting (not the anger).
Emotional support parents also know it’s OK to show emotion while parenting. We can show our kids that we get angry and frustrated too. We label our emotions and find healthy ways to express and cope. We apologize when we get overwhelmed and yell.
One key trait of an emotionally healthy and emotion supporting parent, is that they notice small emotions before they become big and overwhelming. You may notice your child feeling frustrated and intervene before it becomes full blown anger.
Take these opportunities to connect. Give your child a safe place to get their feelings out. Some of the stronger emotions can be scary for kids. They can feel out of control of their bodies, and having us as a safe place to express that is important.
Use preventative parenting. When things are calm, talk about what your child can do when they feel overwhelmed or angry. “Let’s figure out a plan for when you’re feeling angry, so we don’t hurt anyone.” “Let’s make a list of 5 things to do when you feel sad.” “Next time you feel angry, count 5 blue things, or list 5 things you are thankful for.
Separate the emotion or behavior from the child. Your child is not the problem. But maybe, they don’t make great choices when they are overwhelmed. Those choices are the issue you want to help fix, not the child.

And remember, we can’t do this 100% of the time. But, we can take as many opportunities as we can do coach our kids. They deserve our time and attention when we can give it.

Impact of Emotional Intelligence at a Glance

Kids who have had consistent emotional support as their brain developed, usually have a better response to stressful situations. Small stressors don’t usually bother these kids as much as other kids, who can easily become off balanced or distressed by small, uncomfortable moments. This ability to bounce back from hard moments is key in building resilience and building strong relationships.
Kids with emotion support parents have also been shown to relate better with their peers, help themselves handle stress, have fewer behavior problems, and do well in school.
They have a better handle on delayed gratification, impulse control, reading other’s social cues, and motivated themselves to feel better when times get hard.
They have learned how to go from uncomfortable feelings or more comfortable feelings, giving them the ability to self-soothe.
These kids see their parents as a source of support when they need it. They feel a strong connection to their parents and their family unit.
These kids have seen how they can overcome uncomfortable feelings and problem solved. This is how we build resilience.

No matter your child’s age, you can support their emotional intelligence. And be sure to support your own as well! Our empathy, understanding, and support are absolutely crucial in helping them become successful adults.

(If you feel your child is dealing with severe anger or depression, or anything else that is causing problems or hurting someone, please reach out to a therapist or their pediatrician. We can help them handle the daily emotions of life, but sometimes things are too big for us to handle alone. Be their advocate and support, and get everyone the help they need.)

By: Emily Scott, PhD

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You may also like:

Tips for Trust and Communication

Focusing on Your Child’s Mental Health

Empathy

Building Self-Worth

Teaching Kids to Argue

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post Emotional Intelligence: The Key to Raising Healthy Adults appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Boredom Does Not Need a Quick Fix

Sun, 01 Mar 2020 21:08:33 GMT

Summer is here. Kids are out of school and parents everywhere are about to hear the phrase we dread (and I don’t mean, “Can I have another snack?”).

“I’M BORED!”

I am thrilled to have our kids out of school for the summer, but the boredom will soon ensue.

When kids go from constant entertainment and engagement to nothing, they easily get bored. They want and feel they need to get a quick fix of entertainment. So many times this leads to TV and iPads, or bugging Mom for something exciting to do.

But this summer, our kids are going to get to experience the true joys of boredom. I’m sure we will still have our electronic entertainment, because let’s face it, this technology isn’t going anywhere and our kids need to learn how to use it responsibly. And we still plan to go swimming, take a trip, and do lots of other things to create lasting memories of our time together.

Being bored is so good for our kids. One study done on boredom showed that kids needed to be bored for 12 minutes before their creative juices kicked in. When they don’t have something to entertain them, they have to find their own entertainment. This leads to their own unique development of creativity and interests, their own games and ideas, their own ways to solve problems and entertain themselves.

Here are a few reasons boredom is so great:
Stimulates creative and imagination thinking
Helps kids find their own ways to entertain themselves, instead of getting a “quick-fix”
Helps them learn to problem solve
Helps them develop unique interests
Helps them exercise their brain
Helps with critical thinking skills
Helps them unwind and process their day and what they have learned
Kids don’t get as bored as easily
Kids explore and learn at their own pace
Learn time management

As parents, we often feel like it’s our duty to fill our kids’ lives with engaging and educational activities. This is often especially the case during the school year, when we have dance, gymnastics, Kung Fu, baseball, soccer, Girl Scouts, cross-country, plus hours of homework. We want to give our kids every opportunity to succeed in life. But overscheduling them can be detrimental. Many of today’s kids and teens have trouble with anxiety, depression, sleep issues, and mental health issues because of constant stress in their lives.

It is important to note, that although we don’t want to give our kids things to constantly occupy their time, we need to be cautious of what they do. Kids left unattended or unsupervised can get into trouble. This idea of boredom means times when they want to watch TV or do something exciting, and you’re trying to teach the importance of downtime and entertaining ourselves.

Doing nothing is not wasting time. Doing nothing can be productive and beneficial for our kids. Allowing for downtime is just as important as many of the other things we feel we need to pack our schedules with. Boredom is not something that needs a quick fix. It is something to be embraced.

So, the next time your kid comes to you with that inevitable phrase, “I’m bored!” tell them how great it is to be bored!

Ideas for “I’m bored!” statements for younger kids:
Crafts
Outside play- watch the clouds, play with sticks, etc
Painting, drawing
Random craft/lego/blocks to build and create
Simple toys
Pretend play, imagination play
Cleaning
Reading, books, magazines

For more on parenting:

Follow Renewed Hope Parenting on Facebook, Pinterest, or Twitter

Focusing on Your Child’s Mental Health

Calming the School Morning Rush

Why Chores Are So Important

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post Boredom Does Not Need a Quick Fix appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Key Thing Kids Need to Become Successful Adults

Mon, 17 Feb 2020 19:55:32 GMT

What are your memories of chores as a kid? Fun, punishment, tedious tasks, moments of growth?

How we view many of these things from our childhood will dictate how we parent our own kids. And despite how we may feel on some things, there is research on chores that cannot be denied. The longest longitudinal study ever done on people, which dates back to people living in the 1930s, found that the one thing that would lead to a mentally healthy, successful, content, and productive adult was doing chores as a child. Additional research has shown that regular chores help kids develop a strong work ethic and a “pitch-in” mentality. Chores teach kids how to serve, how to be part of a family, develop moral character, reduce selfishness, and promotes responsibility. (Kids certainly need many more things other than chores to become successful adults. But chores or jobs around the house are usually always on the list of things kids need to be ready for adulthood.)

Despite this information and many parents knowing how important chores are for kids, most of today’s parents do not have their kids regularly do chores. One study found that only 28% of parents make kids to chores. Not having our kids do chores isn’t sparing them from work; it is setting them up for difficulty in other ways.

I get it. Chores aren’t fun. Kids don’t always want to do them, and we don’t always want to listen to them complain about doing them. But we need to show kids that things won’t be done for us and that we need to develop the work ethic and skills of the world.

Are your kids too busy for contributing? Kids today are in school for long hours and usually come home to more hours of homework. Throw in dance class, a baseball game, a basketball tournament, and there often isn’t much time left. This “too busy being busy” aspect of our lives today is another issue in itself. But kids should never be too busy to help out.

It’s all in the Presentation

Now in my work with parents, I have found that the presentation of chores is crucial. Yes, learning to be self-sufficient in cooking and laundry will be useful as an adult. But the process of chores is what will lead to contentment and productivity. If we present chores as punishment or tedious tasks, our kids will not take on the full benefit.

When we present chores as “family contributions” that everyone needs to do in order for the family life to run smoothly, we are showing our kids how important they are to the family. This sense of worth and value is crucial to young children. From the preschoolers who can’t quite fold a towel, to the teenager who mows and rakes the lawn, contributing to family life should be presented as invaluable. When we are thankful for our kids helping, even when their abilities aren’t amazing just yet, we show them how much we appreciate their help and how valuable they are.

When kids know they are valued, they are less likely to have behavioral, academic, and social problems. They have a sense of purpose and worth. They have an important role in the daily functioning of a family. Making it a fun family affair and helping each other out is an excellent opportunity to bond. Kids who are not motivated to work at home won’t be motivated to work at school, sports, or adult life. Doing family contributions and dealing with consequences for not doing them are great opportunities for teachable moments.

To the Best of Their Ability

When kids are small and don’t have the ability to do things our way, it is easy for us to not want them to help. I do this often because I like things done my way. But perfectionism is something we have to let go of as parents. It’s OK if little ones can’t do things correct just yet. Encouraging them to help and making the process fun will set them up for wanting to help more as adults. It is more about the learning process than the end result. The end result for our kids doing laundry is usually messier than I like. But it’s done to the best of their ability and I will praise them for their help. With time and practice they will become excellent folders. (See Why I Let My Kids Do Chores: Focusing on the Learning Process)

Do Chores = Money?

What about paying kids for contributing? Financial decisions are best made within the family. But paying kids for every little contribution they make can set them up with a “what’s in it for me?” or “I won’t do that job because it doesn’t pay enough” attitude. Choosing to pay kids for bigger contributions is up to your family, but every kid should have work to do around the house that is free of charge. (See Chores- To Pay or Not to Pay?)

Service

I want to add a note on service. Having the family value of contributing will teach kids service, but as someone who values service, I want to show this to our kids. That means I will do things for them from time to time. Sure, they can pack their own lunches or make their own breakfast, but it’s nice to do things for those we love, especially if it is appreciated and fill their love tanks. I know my love tank gets filled when someone does something nice for me. And our kids deserve the same.

A child can never be too young or too hold to pitch-in around the house. Sparing them from helping isn’t helping them. We want to show our children they are valued members of our family and their contributions to daily life are important, noticed, valued, and beneficial. I don’t want our kids to think everything will always be taken care of for them. Sure, I am happy to help them out if they need it. Our family is a team and every member of the team must work together.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

Renewed Hope Parenting on Facebook

You may also like:

Focusing on the Learning Process

Chores: To Pay or Not to Pay

Communication Tips

Ways to Foster Responsibility

Working on Your Child’s Self-Worth

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post Key Thing Kids Need to Become Successful Adults appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Helping Kids Process Through Tragedy

Tue, 23 Jul 2019 01:36:15 GMT

Unfortunately, many children must face devastating events during their childhood. Thankfully, these events don’t have to be as tragic and disheartening as they often seem. Our family experienced this firsthand when we lost our home in the 8^th largest wildfire in California history. The Carr Fire destroyed almost 1100 homes in July 2018.

Although this tragedy was a difficult thing to experience, we were fortunate to be able to walk with our children through the experience. We have been asked many times how we parented through such an event. As I said in this article, we parented as consistently and as normally as the situation would allow, we parented with empathy, we allowed our children to be sad, and more than anything, we parented with hope and confidence that we could all form resilience from tragedy.

Below I have outlined several points to consider as you parent your children through tragedy. Keep in mind, it is important to remember that all children, all situations, and all families are different. Knowing your child is absolutely crucial in walking them through a devastating event in your lives.

Children and teens can experience extreme fear after a tragic event and can exhibit changes in their typical behavior. You may see a young child have trouble sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, or any other form of regression. Kids of all ages may experience anger and frustration, sadness, or an inability to focus.

All of this is normal behavior when a young child or teen experiences toxic stress in their lives. The important thing to remember about toxic stress, is that it can be extremely damaging to a child’s developing brain. (See my article of Adverse Childhood Experiences.) BUT, it doesn’t have to be a detrimental experience. When adults walk alongside the child, work with them through emotions, and offer support, the stress can lead to resilience.

Additionally, it is important for parents to know where their child is developmentally. Younger children may react differently than teens. Younger kids may cry and be irritable, while teens may want to isolate themselves. Some kids may want to talk about what happened, while others may want to shut the event out of their mind.

Kids of all ages may not have appropriate coping skills for their feelings. Open discussion and healthy modeling are crucial at this point to help kids avoid risky and dangerous choices as a means to cope. (Think smoking as a way to calm stress, or driving recklessly to feel in control.) Some younger kids may benefit from drawing pictures, writing, or singing about what happened. Older kids may benefit from journaling or making gratitude lists.

Since many kids don’t have the ability to express themselves, teaching and modeling healthy emotional intelligence is another important step in this process. Giving feelings a name, and learning that all feelings are OK is the basis of emotional intelligence. Additionally, teaching that how we respond to our emotions is important. Feeling angry is OK, but hitting out of anger is not. Feeling sad is OK, but secluding ourselves into sadness is not. After loss or a tragic event, kids can feel powerless, afraid, sad, lonely, that life isn’t fair, and many other emotions. All of these are valid and OK. How we respond to them is what’s important.

Keep dialogue open. Make sure kids have factual knowledge of what happened and allow them to express any concerns they have. Many kids may fear something horrible like this will happen again or that the world isn’t safe. Be sure to listen to them when they express concerns, even if they seem trivial. To your child, these concerns are not trivial, but very real.

How you react to tragedy is as important as how you walk your child through it. They look to you for guidance and as a model for how to live and handle situations. Remaining calm is important, but it is also important for your child to see you handle sadness, anger, frustration, and devastation.

Make a plan for the future. Children find comfort in knowing what’s going on. It can be beneficial for kids to know what to do when emergencies happen. Have a meeting place, know what to grab in the event you are evacuated, sign up for emergency alerts, make a communication plan, make lists of phone numbers or documents or items to have handy, and pack emergency kits.

Teach kids its OK to ask for help. This one was a struggle for me. I don’t like asking for help, but in the days following the fire we had as close to nothing as you can imagine. With little time to evacuate, we weren’t able to pack much. I literally had one pair of shorts and flip flops. But when tragedy strikes, people want to help. We were blessed with so much from our community. When we get to the point we can give back, we plan to do that so our kids can be part of the giving. Let your kids know they are not alone in their struggles.

Get back to normal as soon as you can. For us, after our home was destroyed, we had to live in a hotel for two weeks and then moved into a rental house. Our life was chaos for several months as we started rebuilding and trying to find our new normal. But whatever aspects of life we could get “normal” we did. Our daughter still attended dance camp the following week. We still went swimming at the hotel pool and Grandpa’s house. We parented as close to normal as the situation allowed.

If you believe your child has experienced true traumatic stress from a devastating event, please seek professional help. It was months after the fire that our daughter mentioned having nightmares. Coincidently, it was months before I had reoccurring nightmares about the fire. Signs of traumatic stress may not present right away. But if you or your child need extra help, please reach out to a licensed therapist in your area. Your and your child’s mental health are incredibly important and worth the time.

Processing through trauma, loss, and tragedy can be an emotional rollercoaster. The grief process can be debilitating, scaring, and difficult. But there will come a time when the pain of grief isn’t as strong as it is in the beginning. When we make healthy choices during the grief process, we can build resilience and come out of the process stronger than ever.

You can read more on our journey after the Carr Fire on our Facebook page. Here are a few stories:

Be the Hope

Rebuilding

We Finally Found Home, Only to Lose it One Month Later on Her View From Home

By: Emily Scott, PhD

The post Helping Kids Process Through Tragedy appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

How Are You Feeling, Momma? Book Review

Wed, 24 Apr 2019 00:43:47 GMT

How Are You Feeling, Momma?

Sometimes we are sent a person who we know didn’t come into our life by chance.

Sometimes we read a book or have a discussion that changes the way we think.

How Are You Feeling, Momma and its authors are exactly these things.

I became familiar with Lisa Leshaw and Shelby Spear through a writer’s network. We have written for some of the same online publications and I have followed their writings for years. And I have yet to find two women who are so differently perfect for one another in encouraging women and mothers.

(Please know that all opinions in this review are my own and I receive no compensation for this review or if you purchase this book. I recommend it from my heart because it touched my heart, and I believe it will touch yours too.)

What emotions and feelings have you felt today as a mother? Probably a range from happiness, to exhaustion, to overwhelm, to even anger. I think that many times, as moms, we feel these emotions and feel as if we are alone. Or we feel lonely in our parenting journey.

How Are You Feeling, Momma is proof that we are never alone in how we feel as parents. Not only do others feel the same, but Lisa and Shelby openly discuss how hard parenting can be. They provide support and love for those of us who are struggling.

Lisa and Shelby highlight many of the emotions of parenthood, including fear, loneliness, confusion, depression, guilt, patience, insecurity, jealousy, overwhelm, pride, sadness, thankfulness, exhaustion, motivation, and worry. They walk us through 31 different emotions of parenting, providing each writer’s individual feelings and reactions to each emotion. The authors discuss how they come from drastically different backgrounds and have a combined decades of parenting and grandparenting. They share stories, tears and laughter. They share their hearts and touched mine deeply. They are authentic, vulnerable, loving, and down-right hilarious at times. I loved reading through their stories of parenting, including so many I have experienced myself. They do not shy away from sharing the fun, the difficult, the messy, and the frustrating.

Particularly, on page 37 Shelby mentions that many people are given a gift of helping others, offering counsel, or sharing wisdom.

“God gave humans the wisdom to counsel, scientists the smarts to create healing elements, and angels on earth the ability to console and guide us. Accept these gifts. Be well. You have my heart.”

Shelby and Lisa and these angels on earth. They have been given the ability to express what we all feel as moms, and provide us with wisdom and support on our walk.

Not only does this book walk us through the many emotions of parenthood, especially for moms, but it validates so much of what we feel and what we experience. Through grace, wit, humor, and love Lisa and Shelby walk us through these feelings and let us know we are not alone. Never again do we need to feel isolated or alone in our parenting walk. Never again do we need to become overwhelmed with the feelings of insecurity, impatience, guilt, distress, or depression. We are not alone in our walks as mothers. We are all in this together.

My only criticism of this book is that it did not include a coupon for a coffee-chat with Lisa and Shelby!

You can purchase a copy on Amazon

Follow Shelby Spear on Facebook

Read more from Lisa Leshaw on Her View From Home

Review by: Emily Scott, PhD

Renewed Hope Parenting

The post How Are You Feeling, Momma? Book Review appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Calming the School Morning Rush

Wed, 03 Apr 2019 22:12:47 GMT

Calming the School Morning Rush

By: Emily Scott, PhD

Another morning of begging our TKer and first-grader to eat something before school. Another morning of rushing to get dressed. Another morning of running out the door by 7:30. Another morning of getting frustrated that a school water bottle was left outside. After dropping them off, I realized I hadn’t really even talked to either one. We didn’t make it past the first week of school before I felt bad for how our mornings were.

We hadn’t had a chance to connect because we were (and I mean “I was”) so focused on making sure their clothes were on, they ate something, little brother was dressed, I was dressed, both lunches were packed, all the shoes were found, all the teeth were brushed, I found my keys, everyone went to the bathroom, the show-and-tell item was packed, and we were out the door on time.

I hadn’t taken the time to work on my relationship with our kids and to make sure they felt loved before school. I always make a point to hug them as soon as they wake up and again when we drop them off or pick them up. But what about the time in the middle?

My focus has been on making sure we get out the door, when it should have been on having a great morning with our kids. What do we need to do to reframe our thinking away from getting things done to enjoying our time together?

Taking the time to focus on our relationship with our kids is one of the most important parts of our parenting. Our relationship with them is the single most important factor to how well they will do in life. They need to know we love them unconditionally.

I would rather send them off to school with mismatched socks than the memory of a frazzled mom who was rushing them around. I would rather send them off to school with their hearts full. I would rather take the time to make a connection, and give them time to move from one part of the day to the next. I would rather have a conversation about nothing in particular.

We have so many things to do between family life, work life, school life, and extra-curricular activities. These are all important, but nothing is as important as connecting with our kids and sending them to school with their love tank full. Take the time to get the stressful parts of the morning taken care of the night before, so you can take the time to connect every morning.

Let’s stop rushing our kids. From rushing them to school, rushing them to bed, rushing them to the next activity. Let’s slow down more to their pace and focus on our relationship with them.

Here are a few tips on making school mornings a little easier:

Give the responsibility over to your kids. Chances are, if you are worried and stressed about their homework and backpack, they won’t be too worried about it. Important lessons can be learned from forgetting homework. School mornings are great practice for kids in preparing them to be responsible adults.
Use charts or checklists for kids to help them remember what they need to do before bed or before leaving for school.
Have your kids pack backpacks and lunches the night before. Sunday evening prep nights work great for many items.
Pick out school clothes the night before, or Sunday evenings for the whole week.
Have backpacks, folders, shoes, etc by the door, or even in the car ready to go.
Make part of breakfast the night before, or freeze easy breakfasts. Keep things on hand you know they will eat and are easy to prepare. If you have a long commute maybe they can eat in the car.
Have a routine that works for your family. Eat, get dressed, brush, shoes on.
Eliminate distractions. TV while trying to get out the door isn’t helping.
Talk and model. Show your kids how YOU get everything YOU need ready ahead of time. Model responsibility. Talk about what’s next. Give them warnings before changing activities or leaving. Take the time to slow down if they need time to adjust.
Be ok if things don’t go smoothly. Today our daughter’s socks didn’t match. Last week I forgot to brush my own teeth. Oh well. Not every morning will go perfectly. And that’s okay.
Ask for help. I am fortunate enough to have a husband who gave up going to the gym every morning to work out in the garage and be there to help with the kids. Ask for help with prep work or carpooling. Your kids can be great helpers too!

What works for your family? What are some tricks you use to calm the morning or bedtime rush?

This article was originally published on Her View From Home.

Check out my other articles on Her View From Home.

The post Calming the School Morning Rush appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

The Messy Life of Parenting Book Review

Wed, 03 Apr 2019 16:23:12 GMT

Book Review of The Messy Life of Parenting

By: Lori Wildenberg

There are few people I have come across who have a true heart for helping others, coupled with knowledge and compassion as they reach out to other’s hearts. Lori Wildenberg is one of those people. Because of these characteristics, I jumped at the chance to read her book The Messy Life of Parenting.

I have followed Lori’s writing for a while now and her book beautifully reflects the love and compassion she puts into her work. Not only that, but I have experienced first hand her empathy and warmth. I was supposed to read her book last summer, but because of the loss of our home in a wildfire, I wasn’t able to read it for several months. Lori reached out to me, not concerned about if I read her book, but with concern over the well-being of my family and me. She continues to check-in and provide long-distance support and encouragement.

(Please note, all of the opinions in this review are my own. I received a free copy of The Messy Life of Parenting, but I receive no compensation from this review or if you purchase the book.)

As a parent of younger kids, I see the great need to look at the wisdom of those before me. With older children of her own, and immense experience working with families, MOPS, and writing, Lori provides the information, guidance, and wisdom young parents can great benefit from. Additionally, she writes in such a way, that parents with older children can gleam her wisdom.

The Messy Life of Parenting tackles many of today’s most important parenting concerns:

including emotional intelligence
stage and age-related information
toxic and emotional abuse
healing wounds
raising kids based on their uniqueness
helping kids gain self-awareness
being a united family
balancing independence and support
creating connection
step-parenting and single parent families
the messages we send our children with our words
unconditional love
kindness
sibling rivalry, comparison and competition
character building
entitlement
most importantly relationship

Each of these topics, and more, are discussed in an easy-to-read, and not-easy-to-put-down style. Lori uses examples from the many families she has encountered in her work, writings of fellow parenting coaches, and support with Christian values.

This book may discuss many of the “messy” parts of parenting, but it gives more hope and encouragement than anything else. We all struggle with some, or many, aspects of parenting. Books like this can provide us with wisdom and support we may not receive anywhere else. The heart of this book is love and hope, two crucial parts of parenting.

I believe this quote sums up the heart of the book,

I want to live in a home where family resides, one where people rely on one another, laugh with each other, share tears, and do life together. I want my kids to know, no matter what, they are part of a family that helps one another (Page 12).

I think as parents we can all agree with that statement. I recommend this book, not only as a parenting guide, but as a book that will bring parents back to the heart of parenting. Our relationship with our kids is the most important part of our parenting journey. The Messy Life of Parenting provides key examples to help us as parents. Working together as a united family, while also coaching our kids to become strong, independent adults, is not as easy task. But we can do it.

To read more from Lori, you can visit her website

Or find her on Facebook:

The Messy Life of Parenting can be purchased on Amazon:

Review by: Emily Scott, PhD

Renewed Hope Parenting

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Unbound Book Review

Sat, 14 Apr 2018 01:54:47 GMT

We all have different paths to motherhood. Whether we like our path or not, we are set on a course designed for us. Sometimes our path is easy, and others are more difficult. We are often taught lessons we don’t want to learn and experience setbacks that break our hearts. Often, we find ourselves wishing we had someone else’s story, forgetting that ours was designed for us to teach us what we need. And sometimes during the struggles, we forget to find the parts of our lives that are joyful.

Jamie Sumner shares her struggles with infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy complications, a newborn diagnosis of Beckwith-Wiedmann Syndrome, NICU, and her hopes and triumphs in motherhood in her book Unbound: Finding Freedom from Unrealistic Expectations of Motherhood. I have followed Jamie on her blog and Facebook page for several months and have always identified with what she writes. I was excited to hear she had a new book coming out and jumped at the chance to read it. I didn’t get past page two before I needed a highlighter to remember her wise words.

Jamie takes us through her journey of infertility, the use of hormones, and IVF, along with her heartbreaking miscarriage, difficult pregnancy, a newborn with special needs who spent the first few months of his life in the NICU, to the joys of motherhood. For those dealing with infertility, her story gives hope and solidarity in knowing you are not alone. For those who conceived without needing help, Jamie’s story gives eyes into the journey so many parents have to take. For all of us, her story gives us a reminder of how precious the gift of children is.

While reading through Jamie’s story, I found myself rooting for her as I would a character in a novel. She is a beautiful writer who mixes humor and hope into a difficult story. Additionally, she mixes her personal narrative with Biblical women, making them more relatable to today’s mom. Her reliance on faith during her times of struggle is admirable and honorable. So often when we struggle, we turn from God. But Jamie and her husband stuck with Him, knowing that He was sticking with them.

I highly recommend the book to any mother, even those who never experienced infertility struggles or children who have spent time in the hospital. Jamie provides great lessons for everyone, especially those questioning their own personal journey of motherhood. Why can’t I have it as easy as her? Why is this so hard? If only things were easier. We have all been there.

Just remember that your path is the one you need to be on. Even if your lessons seem harder than those around you, or you feel you are having to learn lessons you don’t want to learn. God knows what He is doing by putting you on your path.

“God makes us mothers to bring us to our knees, to get down in the dirt and see the nature of things. This is the greatest lesson we can learn in life. There is a plan and it is not ours. It is better.” (page 204)

By: Emily Scott, PhD

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*The opinions of this blog are my own. I received a free copy of Unbound, but that had no impact on my personal opinions of the book. I receive no compensation if you purchase Unbound through these links.

The post Unbound Book Review appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Never Allow Someone to Make You Feel Like a Bad Parent

Thu, 15 Mar 2018 17:22:50 GMT

Don’t ever allow someone to make you feel like a bad mom or parent.

Whether you work from home, go to work, or stay home with your kids.

Whether you breastfed, bottle fed, or did a little of both.

Whether you have one kid, or five.

Whether you had a natural birth, were induced, or had a C-section.

Whether you let your kids have Goldfish and pudding, or whether you only eat all-natural food.

Whether you follow one kind of parenting philosophy, or another.

Whether your kids go to public school, private school, or home school.

Never let the way someone else does something make you feel like a bad parent.

There may be some things that just don’t work for you and your family, regardless of how hard you try, what the newest research shows, or what your friends do. We all find what works for our family.

We are all trying our best to raise our children to be the people they were made to be. We are all doing our best to keep our kids happy and healthy, while also trying to focus on all the aspects of their lives, and our own. We all have good days and bad days. We all have parenting fails and parenting wins. We all wish we had moments we could relive or redo.

And when it comes down to it, your care and love for them is what makes you a great parent.

We are all struggling with and enjoying this parenting journey. Wouldn’t it be better if we did it together instead of against each other?

By Emily Scott, PhD

Originally posted on facebook.com/renewedhopeparenting

You may also like:

The 5 Day Loving Your Child Challenge

Communication Tips for Openness and Trust

Teaching Our Kids to Argue

Building Self-Worth

The post Never Allow Someone to Make You Feel Like a Bad Parent appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

The Advantage of Affection

Sat, 03 Mar 2018 19:23:35 GMT

We have long been taught that holding our babies is good for them. We are taught to meet our baby’s needs and show them warmth. Unfortunately, that physical touch often stops when our children outgrow infancy and toddlerhood. Touch is often considered inappropriate past a certain age, and especially with certain genders or social situations.

Some believe that too much touch will make a boy “soft” or that it is inappropriate for girls once they enter puberty. Parents need to be cautious to continue to show affection to all children at all ages. Girls need to know their bodies are beautiful and not to be ashamed. Boys need to know that physical affection is not weak, but is actually healthy. We are mammals who were created for connection. But we need to be cautious of our child’s personal space and respectful of them. Finding this balance will depend on individual personalities and family life.

Research shows that holding babies and continuing to show our love and affection to our children through physical touch throughout their childhood is an important part of their development and well-being.

As parents, we have the opportunity to use physical touch as a means of showing love. For some kids, this affection is the key to us showing them we love them. Physical affection is what drives them, it is what makes them know you love them. For other kids, physical touch isn’t as strong of a need, but generally, most kids need to have their parents show love through touch and affection.

There has even been research to back these claims on the importance of physical touch and parental warmth. These studies have shown that parental warmth and loving touch leads to more adult happiness when the child grows up. Longitudinal studies have found that babies and children who were part of physically affectionate families and were raised in warm environments had lower levels of emotional distress, hostility, and difficulty in social situations. Additionally, children who receive lots of physical attention typically have lower levels of depression and anxiety, have high self-esteems, and do well with friends and in school. There is also research that says parental warmth can help prevent abuse.

Affection is a key way to communicate unconditional love and fill our child’s love tank. This is important when we need to discipline our child or are wanting to ensure we have a strong attachment with them. All the parenting skills in the world will not matter if our child does not feel loved by us, attached to us, and secure with us. When they are securely attached to us, they are more likely to take our influence and guidance.

Perhaps one of the easiest ways to show love to our children is hugging them, scratching their backs, holding hands, or making eye contact. Many humans crave physical loving touches. A 30-second hug, or taking the time to stop what you are doing to make eye contact, or just a sweet pat on the shoulder can show your child you love them. How we interact with our children when they are young helps them develop social skills and sets up their relationships as adults.

For many parents, touch can be uncomfortable. Find ways you can show physical love that is comfortable for both you and your child. Not all kids are huggers and kisses, but maybe they would benefit from more high-fives or pats on the back. Some kids are big on touch, while the parent isn’t used to showing that kind of affection. As their parent, sometimes we need to find ways to be comfortable in the uncomfortable if it will benefit our child. Make an effort, and make the time, to show your child you love them.

Here are a few reasons physical touch is so important:

Release of oxytocin, the love hormone responsible for bonding
Better parent child communication
Lower levels of depression and anxiety
Emotional health as an adult
Helps develop healthy self-image
Helps develop social skills
Sets up adult relationships
Communicates unconditional love
Important for emotional development
Fewer behavioral problems
Children often do better in school

Here are a few ideas on how to increase loving physical touch:

Be warm, inviting, caring, empathetic
Hugs, kisses, bear hugs, family hugs
Pats on the back or shoulder
Wrestling, rough and tumble play
High fives
Scratching backs or heads
Sitting close while reading or watching TV
Always greet or say goodbye with some kind of touch
Cuddle
Dancing
Tickling
Hold hands
Back or foot rub

By: Emily Scott, PhD

You may also like:

Communication Tips for Openness and Trust

Building Resilience in Kids

Tips on Fostering Responsibility

The 5-Day Love Your Child Challenge

Teaching Kids How to Argue

Fostering Self-Worth

Parenting Styles

Focusing on Your Child’s Mental Health

The post The Advantage of Affection appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Parenting on the Same Page

Tue, 20 Feb 2018 17:44:50 GMT

When two people come together in marriage or a relationship raising children, their differences are often highlighted. We see many couples who come to parenting classes seeking help working as a team and being on the same parenting page. This is a very admirable thing to do. As parents, it is important to work together for the best of your children. Acknowledging your different parenting styles is the first step in coming together and working as a team.

Focus on what you have in common. Find the core family values you both want to pass on to your kids and seek out ways to model these. Find the ways you parent the same and magnify those.

Find ways to appreciate what is different. You are different people, with different backgrounds, and will therefore, probably have different opinions on many things, parenting included. We are all unique, and it is that uniqueness that makes us special. Additionally, research shows that men and women will often parent differently. Research also shows that parental involvement in a child’s life, especially the father, is absolutely crucial to their development. Find ways to blend your two styles to what works best for your family.

Be consistent. Without consistency, a child can easily become confused and anxious. Children who are anxious or confused will often act out with misbehavior or disobedience. Think about your job. Would you function better in a more predictable environment, or one where your boss could snap at any moment, or sometimes rules are enforced and other times they aren’t? Children will meet many inconsistent people in their lives, and ensuring their home life is a safe haven provides security. They need to see they can always trust their parents.

Avoid power struggles. No one wins a power struggle, even if you end up getting your way. Power struggles between children and parents can lead to fighting and alienation. Power struggles between Mom and Dad can lead to issues in their marriage. When you are in a power struggle, you are not working together. You are in two positions of opposition. You win arguments by coming together and getting to a “yes” and agreeing together. Avoid arguments, especially when you are angry. Taking time to calm down when you are frustrated or angry helps you to think more clearly and models emotional control to your children. Take time to sit calmly and discuss the issue instead of battling.

Be a united front. How often do your kids think, “Well, Mom said no to this, so I’ll go ask Dad and see what he says.”? We teach parents to make sure their no means no, and their yes means yes. This goes to the other parent as well. If Mom says no then Dad also says no. If there is a reason Dad thinks the answer should be yes, it is acceptable for him to tell the child that he needs to discuss it with Mom, but until they have had a chance to talk it out, his answer is still no. We tell our kids that, “Mommy and Daddy are on the same team” and they know we are because we have set that boundary in our home. If this isn’t a current boundary in your home, it will take time before it is set in stone, but keep working at it.

Communicate. Talk about things and make sure you are on the same page. Find the time to sit a calmly discuss issues you may be having. Avoid using “you” sentences. “You need to do more when the kids are ____.” Criticism like this is an attack. Whereas making a structure complaint can be stated as an observation. Instead of “You always do this…” try “It seems like ___ is a struggle.” How you say things matters as much as what you say.

Understand where the other is coming from. You may not agree with how the other is parenting, but take a moment to understand WHY they are parenting that way. Is there a childhood wound they are parenting from? For example, do you want to buy your children a lot of Christmas presents because you never got any as a child? Or do you want to pay for your teenager’s car because you had to pay for your own (or visa versa)? Parenting from a childhood wound does not always justify parenting that way. But understanding why you or your spouse is parenting a certain way can help you come to agreements and common ground.

There are ways for two completely different people to come together for their children and make things work. As parents and adults, it is our job to step up and provide our children a safe, loving, and consistent environment. Your spouse is your partner. If you have tried everything you can think of and are still struggling, reach out for help with a local therapist or counselor. Sometimes having a mediator present can help you sort things out.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

You may also like:

Teaching Kids to Argue

Communications Tips for Openness and Trust

Focusing on Your Child’s Mental Health

Overcoming You Own Adverse Childhood Experiences

Building Resilience in Your Children

The Power of Choices

5 Impactful Ways to Foster Your Child’s Self-Worth

The post Parenting on the Same Page appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

5 Day Love Your Child Challenge

Tue, 13 Feb 2018 18:39:03 GMT

5 Day Love your Child Challenge!

We are excited to spend 5 days focusing on loving our children and working on our relationship with our kids. As their parent, you are the most important influence on them, more so than teachers, peers, the media, or anything else. Ensuring you have a strong relationship with your child and that you are engaged and involved is crucial to their development.

This challenge will focus on loving your children the way they need to be loved and will help you discover new ways to connect. Finding a way to say, “I love you” in a way that your child understands and speaks to them is important in making sure they feel loved by the most important people in their lives.

Day 1: Focus on Unconditional Love.

The love we have for our children is amazing. The love we show them needs to be unconditional and based on our love for them based on who they are, just as they are. Conditional love is based on performance or achievement. We do not have to love every behavior or decision our children will make. But we do need to love them, and show our love, even when we are sad, frustrated, angry, or unhappy.

Our use of the words, “I love you” or an action of love should not come with strings attached. Yes, we often use rewards as a way to encourage kids to clean their room, or we say we are proud of their hard work. But the love we show for our kids should not be conditional to their abilities or actions. When children feel truly loved, they are better able to succeed and respond to consequences and learning.

Challenge: Pay attention to how you show love to your children. Do you usually give praise only when they do something well? While providing encouragement when they work hard is important, we don’t want to only show this affirmation when they do something well. When was the last time you told your child you love them for who they are and listed their positive characteristics? Let them know today that you love them for just being them.

Day 2- Speak to Their Heart

Each person will feel loved in a different way. We can say, “I love you” all we want, but if we do not show love in a way they understand, the person may never truly feel loved. Additionally, what speaks to one person may not speak as strongly to another. Some people respond more to loving touch, others to kind words of encouragement and love, others to doing things together, others to being helped. Furthermore, and especially for children, how we best receive love can change over time.

Children are no different. Some children will feel more loved when their parents hug them, while others may feel more loved when their parents make time to do activities together. As parents, we need to find a way to say, “I love you” that speaks to their heart.

In order to fill a child’s love tank, we need to focus on all areas we can love them. Always offer love in the form of kind words, hugs, snuggles, quality time, helping, or gifts. But we need to have a special focus on what directly speaks to their hearts.

Challenge: Pay close attention to each of your children and see or ask what makes them feel loved. It may take time for you to recognize exactly what speaks to their heart. Take several days to observe what makes your child feel loved. Ask over the course of a few days what you do that makes them feel the most loved. Record their response and see what speaks directly to their heart. For example, we have noticed our son responds more to physical touch (scratching his back or playing rough and tumble with Dad), while our daughter craves quality time with us. Speak and show love in all areas you can as often as you can, but focus on what will speak to your specific child. (You can learn more on specific love languages at 5lovelanguages.com).

Day 3- Focus on the Little Things

There are many times throughout our time with our children that we can show little acts of love. We can leave them little notes, make them feel special, take the time to sit and talk, or build them up. Once we know what speaks directly to our child’s heart, we can make a point to do that more often. But we can also focus on all the little things that show a child we love them.

Challenge: Jump at all the same chances you have to show love. Put a note in your child’s lunch. Put the picture they made up on the fridge and tell them how much you appreciate their hard work. Tell them you are proud they worked hard at school or practice. Tell them you love being with them. Buy or find them a small gift of love with no strings attached. Give them hugs, kisses, pat their shoulder, scratch their back, tickle them, and give them undivided attention and eye contact. Keep a list of special ways to show them love, especially those that speak to their heart.

Day 4- Focus on Communication

When our children are upset, who do we want them to talk to? We will want them to talk to us! Unfortunately, some kids do not feel their parents are a safe place to go when they are upset, need to confide in someone, are in need of help, or are in danger. How we respond to our children can dictate whether they find us a safe place, and we want to be that safe place for them.

Research has shown that when a child does not have someone to connect to or their emotional needs are not being met, they will disconnect. When a child is in need their instinct is to reach out. But when a parent is not there to respond, the child will disconnect as a means of coping.

There are times when we want to engage conversations with our kids and try to get them to open up. But there are other times when we want to just listen. As parents we often want to “fix” everything. But there are times our kids come to us just to have us listen, not to fix or respond. Learning this and putting this into practice is hard. Often while listening, we are simply just waiting to respond. Sometimes we just need to listen to listen.

Our children need time to sit with us in conversation. This is the best time to learn about them, teach them, build their self-worth, build a friendship, and show we care. They will never outgrow the need to have quality conversations with us.

Challenge: Find time to sit in conversation with your child. Show them you are engaged and listening. Ask questions about their day and feelings. Do you best to respond to sad choices and frustration with empathy instead of anger? Are you spending most of your talking time with them correcting their behaviors, or simply conversating?

You may also like: Communication Tips for Trust and Security

Day 5- Be Mindful of Punishment

As we discussed on Day 2, every person will feel love differently. Some respond more to kind words, others to quality time, others to loving touch. The Challenge for that day was to observe your child to see what speaks to their heart the most. Once you have recognized that, now it is time to be careful how you use it.

We need to be mindful of how we discipline our children. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. When we punish kids, we make them suffer for their sad choices. When we discipline kids, we guide them to make better choices. When we punish our kids, we are having them fear us, not fearing the consequences of sad choices.

For discipline to be effective, a child must feel loved. For us to guide them and teach them, they need to feel unconditionally loved by us. Our guidance will be easier to take when their love tanks are full. It may feel wrong to nurture and love a child who is misbehaving, but chances are, this is just what need. So often in our parenting classes we have parents seeking the next best punishment because what they are doing just isn’t working. They see so much improvement when they turn the focus from punishment to a focus on keeping their child’s love tank full with discipline and guidance.

Using what makes our child feel loved as a means to punish can greatly hurt and impact them. For example, spanking a child who craves loving, physical touch would be more detrimental than spanking already is. Belittling a child who craves kind, loving, and encouraging words would be even more hurtful than belittling already is. Isolating a child who craves quality time with you, will cause more harm than isolating already does.

We can easily become frustrated with our child’s choices. But remember, your love for them comes with no conditions, and we need to continue to show love even through our frustration. Responding with empathy is key. Many misbehaviors are the result of a child just seeking attention. To them, even negative attention is attention. When their love tanks are nearing empty, we see more misbehaviors.

Challenge: Avoid falling into the “punishment trap” where you try to find bigger and better punishments to correct behaviors. Instead, focus on the logical consequences of their sad choices and continuing to fill their love tank. Focus on discipline and guiding them, instead of punishing. Pay attention to what you use as consequences or punishment. Be careful that you don’t use what speaks to their heart as a method of punishment. And, more than anything else, continue to fill their love tank.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

The post 5 Day Love Your Child Challenge appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

How Parental Stress Impacts Kids

Wed, 07 Feb 2018 18:03:28 GMT

Parental Stress: What it Does to Your Children

If cold and flu season teaches us anything, it is that kids pick up everything. This is not limited to only germs, though. From the time they are in the womb, until they are young adults, our kids can even pick up our stress and anxiety.

As parents, we have a vital, instinctive, and emotional connection to our children. This connection allows us to sense when they are in trouble, what we need to do to help our baby when she cries, and how to protect them. It is this connection that fosters our parent-child bond and allows us to pick up on their insecurities, needs, and desires. This bond gives us what we need to care for our children, while ignoring the fact that we are exhausted and overwhelmed.

This connection also goes another way. Our children are connected to us as well. And through this connection, they can pick up on our stress and anxiety throughout their lives. A child’s mirror neurons, which they will later use to develop the skill of empathy, causes them to be sensitive to our state of emotions. They mirror our stress, without even realizing it, and release their own stress hormones. This is what causes us to be able to read other’s emotions, and babies and children are born with this and continue to develop it into adulthood. While this is a good thing for our relationships, it can also have negative impacts on us, especially when what they are exposed to is stress and anxiety.

Today’s Stress

Parents and children today are facing stressors our past generations did not face. We deal with hectic schedules, lack of sleep and rest, overworked parents and children, school stressors, bullying, cyber bullying, anxiety over marriages, health, finances, and our attempts to balance it all. We are trying to help our children grow into responsible adults, while also trying to enjoy their childhood. Many parents overfill schedules in an attempt to give their children the best possible childhood they think they need. Kids have more homework and intense social lives. All of this adds up to stress. Children today are experiencing higher levels of stress, anxiety, and mental health problems than ever before.

The Impact of Stress

Stress is more than just a word. It is a chemical reaction within our bodies which causes us to release our fight-or-flight hormones. This stress response can be beneficial when we are in danger or need to react, but constant stress over smaller issues can cause problems and cause our responses to be overdramatic. Being in constant states of stress or allowing our bodies experience too much stress can have dramatic effects on our health, from heart disease, to allergies, to autoimmune diseases, to mental health problems. During pregnancy, these hormones can cross the placenta as well. Researchers have found that high levels of stress during pregnancy are correlated to children with ADHA and other behavior issues.

We are born with specific DNA codes and our biology plays an important role in who we become. But just as important, if not more, is the environment in which we live. While we are born with a specific DNA sequence that defines who we are, the environment in which we are raised can greatly impact our brain development. Specifically, trauma during childhood can cause developmental problems in the gray area and hippocampus area of the brain, which can result in immune problems, health problems, social issues, addiction, and other developmental problems later in life. Additionally, through the process of interaction with our caregivers and environment, our brain’s neuron connections can be heightened or harmed. Research has shown that our underlying genetic basis is the result of our genes, while the expression of these genes or what genes are “switched” on or off, can vary based on our interactions with our natural and social environment. Therefore, our natural and social environments play a large role in determining our health, development, and personalities.

Although stress is often a factor in the development of these issues, it is, of course, not the only precursor. Daily life, diet, exercise, and other aspects of our lives can contribute to our health problems. Many of these issues do not have one single cause.

The Good News

Our parental stress can cause health problems to both us and our children. But we are in control of our lives and our choices. We can take the necessary steps to manage stress, build resilience, and help our children deal with their own stressors. We can create a healthy and loving environment for our children. We can choose to make time for connection and foster a loving relationship with our children. We can walk them through times of stress and model examples of how to effectively handle stressful situations. We are their most important ally and we have the innate connection with them to guide and lead them on their journey.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

Originally published on:

https://www.parent.com/how-parental-stress-impacts-kids/

You may also like:

Five Ways to Tame Stress

I Believe- 7 Letters to Enact Change

How to Be a Safe Place for Your Kids: Communication Tips

Focusing on Your Child’s Mental Health

Adverse Childhood Experiences

Overcoming ACEs

The post How Parental Stress Impacts Kids appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Focusing On Your Child’s Mental Health

Thu, 26 Oct 2017 17:27:17 GMT

As parents, we put a lot of energy into our kids and making sure their needs are met. Are they eating enough vegetables? Should we do dance or gymnastics? Are they getting their homework done? But one area we often don’t focus on is our child’s mental health. Maybe because we don’t think about it or maybe because we don’t know how important it is.

For starters, do you focus on your own mental health? Many people believe reaching out for help or therapy are signs of weakness. Others may not realize how important taking care of your mental health is. We focus on our physical health and exercising. We focus on our eating habits and relationships. All of which are very important.

Kids today are facing large amounts of stress. Stress many of the past generations didn’t have. Research shows nearly 25 per-cent of teenagers have anxiety and depression levels at this age group are higher than ever. Stress comes from many areas for today’s kids and teens: school, sports, home life, peers, low self-esteem, being overscheduled, lack of sleep, bullying, and social media pressures.

When kids face stressful situations, their bodies release stress hormones. Small amounts of this can be beneficial because it allows our kids to learn how to manage stress, which is especially true when they have a loving adult to help. But chronic, unpredictable stress can cause cellular damage to the developing parts of their brains, which can set them up for immune system problems and other health issues later in life. These biophysical changes can cause inflammation of the brain and health issues as an adult.

Here are a few ways you can focus on your child’s mental health:

Take care of your own mental health. Step 1 is taking care of yourself. You cannot take the best care of your children if you are not taking care of yourself. Do what you need to do to be healthy and centered. Eat better, exercise, get rest, meditate, or seek medical help.
Manage stress. Just as your child can catch your cold, they can also catch your stress. We may not even realize how our children can pick up on our stress. But research shows that children, even while in the womb, can sense and take on our stress. Find ways to manage stress and model how to your children. Try meditation or deep breathing.
Teach your kids about resilience. Resilience is our ability to recover from challenges. When we view a challenging experience as a learning or growing opportunity, we are better able to handle the situation and other stressful times. Resilience is something we must learn and practice, and as we do, we become better equipped to handle the challenge experiences of life.
Identify stress triggers. Find what is stressing your child out the most. Is it homework? Sports? Friends? Identify areas of stress and find ways to manage it. Maybe you will need to hire a tutor. Maybe you need to find more time to relax as a family. Managing trigger areas can help reduce stress.
Focus on your relationship with them. We need to communicate to our children that we love them unconditionally. Our love for them is not based on how well they perform, how good their grades are, or how well they washed the dishes. Your relationship with your child should be the primary focus of your parenting. Create a healthy environment of love.
Build their self-worth. Children who have a strong self-concept typically do better with friends or school. They go into the classroom believing they can succeed. Children who have a low self-concept often won’t even begin a homework assignment because they believe before they begin that they will fail. There is perhaps nothing more important to a child’s self-worth than the time you spend with them. Their value will grow when they know Mom and Dad want to be with them and love them regardless of their achievements. Giving your child your undivided attention and pursuing time with them shows your love. This is the time when you assist in their character and self-worth development.
Seek help. If you are or your child is dealing with depression, anxiety, panic disorders, or any other kind of mental health problem, please seek help from a medical doctor or therapist. There is no shame in seeking help. It is a brave and crucial step to take.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Your child’s mental health is always more important than whether or not they did their homework, got a good grade, or made the football team.
Create a healthy environment. Ensure you and your family eat healthy, get outside, exercise, read, spend time together, and engaged in a loving family environment. Don’t make your kids grow up too fast. Let them enjoy childhood and have fun.
Let them face challenges. Allowing our children to deal with small challenges is a good way for them to learn there are capable of handling tough situations, and how to manage the release of stress hormones. We can be there are support and help them work through hard times.

What can you do to focus on your child’s mental health?

By Emily Scott, PhD

Followed Renewed Hope Parenting on Facebook!

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Building Your Child’s Self-Worth

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Adverse Childhood Experiences

Helping Your Children Build Resilience

Resilience: What’s Missing in Your Life

Overcoming Your Own ACEs and Breaking Generational Hurt

7 Ways to Help Kids Grow Responsible

How to Become a Safe Place for Your Children: Communication and Trust

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you purchase through one of the product links, we will receive a small compensation used to keep the website running. These books are recommended by us because we have read them and recommended them to fellow parents. We do not receive compensation from the authors or publishers. We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

The post Focusing On Your Child’s Mental Health appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Our Favorite Parenting Books

Sun, 15 Oct 2017 20:49:44 GMT

This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you purchase through one of the product links, we will receive a small compensation used to keep the website running. These books are recommended by us because we have read them and recommended them to fellow parents. We do not receive compensation from the authors or publishers. We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

The post Our Favorite Parenting Books appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Teaching Our Kids to Argue

Thu, 24 Aug 2017 19:28:35 GMT

Teaching Our Kids to Argue and Disagree

As a parent of three, I often find myself reminding our kids to stop arguing. Or I find myself telling them to stop arguing with me. But instead of using the word “stop” over and over (and over), I have found the need to teach our kids how to argue effectively.

As an adult, we need to know how to argue effectively and how to disagree with others calmly. We need to know how to say what we mean, how to prove our point, and how to disagree with others and still be kind, strong, and personable.

Power Struggles

Kids will argue with us over pretty much anything. Often because they are just having a hard time and don’t want to do something. We all feel like this sometimes. For kids, they are trying to be autonomous and independent, and have some control over their lives. Testing limits is one way they try to be autonomous. This is normal, healthy development, although it may be frustrating. When this happens, my favorite line is, “I love you too much to argue.” Using this phrase helps me avoid a power struggle with them. As parents, we do not want to overpower our children or fight with them. They are merely trying to have some control in their lives. When our kids argue about getting ready for bed and I continue to remind them or explain over and over why it is bed time, we are in a power struggle. No one wins in battles with our kids. I may get them to get ready for bed, but arguing with them doesn’t mean I won the battle.

Emotions

Although there are times our kids are arguing just to argue, there are many more times when they are trying to tell us something. Take the time to listen to them and find out what is going on. Think about times when you have needed to express something. How do you react when your feelings are blown off or you aren’t listened to? Now think of how a child would react to the same response. We should respond to our children the same way we would want something to respond to us. Determining why they are arguing can provide you with insight into what is going on. When our kids are trying to express emotions, feelings, or beliefs about something, we need to take the time to let them express what they are feeling and we need to be there to listen. Using love and empathy, we can listen to what they are trying to express and help them understand their emotions. One of the most important things we can teach out kids is how to manage their emotions.

Choices

One way to avoid power struggles is by giving kids as much power as you can. We all have a need to have some control and power in our lives, kids especially. But kids don’t usually get to have much control and power over their lives. By giving kids choices and allowing them to make decisions gives them a sense of control. Giving away power we don’t need can allow us to get power back when we need it. Allowing our kids to make lots of small decisions gives us the chance to get power back and make the bigger decisions. “I gave you lots of choices throughout the day, now it’s my turn to make a decision.” Children who do not get much control over their lives often grow into adults who do not know how to make decisions and often do not know how to handle the power and freedom that comes with adulthood.

Pick Your Battles

If you know a trigger area that always ends in a power struggle or arguing, plan ahead. If you have a child who never wants to go to bed, plan for bed time each day. Allow them to have lots of choices leading up to bed and let them know you love them too much to argue about bedtime tonight. Trigger areas are usually consistent, and we need to plan for them.

Disagreements

As I mentioned, as adults we need to know how to disagree effectively. As parents, we need to teach this is our children. Step one in an argument is managing our emotions. Teaching our kids emotional intelligence and how to manage their emotions is an important part of parenting. Additionally, when we listen to our kids as they express their feelings we are modeling an important part of arguing. We need to listen to the other person and try to understand their point. Instead of brushing your child aside while he is trying to express genuine hurt or concern, take the time to listen. Sometimes in a disagreement, we need to negotiate, sometimes we need to find common ground, sometimes we need to determine if another plan is better. As a family we will have lots of disagreements, and we need to find ways that work for our family to manage disagreements. Allowing our children to be part of the process models and teaches effective ways to disagree with others and find solutions.

Why are you disagreeing with this?
What do you think would work better?
How can we handle this differently next time?

By: Emily Scott, PhD

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you purchase through one of the product links, we will receive a small compensation used to keep the website running. These books are recommended by us because we have read them and recommended them to fellow parents. We do not receive compensation from the authors or publishers. We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

The post Teaching Our Kids to Argue appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.