There are so many characteristics that can define a positive parent.  Typically, we think of a positive parent as kind, empathetic, disciplined, guiding, loving, and so many other things.

Positive parenting has been around for many years now. Here is a quick recap of positive parenting:

• Focus on positive guidance and not harsh punishment. We focus on guiding our kids to be their best self, not scaring them into behaving.
• There is mutual respect between parents and kids. Parents don’t usually demand respect from their kids, but model and foster it. The best way to teach kids how to respect others is by treating them with respect.
• Positive parenting can easily be confused with permissive parenting. We don’t let our kids get away with things or never have to deal with the consequences of their actions. Kids need to know that there are consequences to their choices, sometimes good, sometimes bad. And they also need to learn they are strong enough to handle them. We are there to support them during the process.
• We are proactive. Kids have a hard time sometimes and we are prepared to deal with those situations as they arise. We also know that things like connection, relationship, and discussing expectations when things are calm can help prevent many childhood “misbehaviors.”
• Parenting isn’t a power trip. We don’t want to battle with our kids and exhort power over our kids. We want them to learn their own self-control, with our guidance, not be under our control. No one wins a power struggle. They only damage relationships.

Here are five of the many important virtues of a positive parent:

Patience:

Parents can be patient with their kids when they make sad choices and when our kids are in a learning process and maturing. Sometimes it’s a lot quicker and easier to punish our kids to stop their behavior. But we need to be patient to figure out what’s going on. Many kids just need to test boundaries to see what they can get away with. Sometimes kids just aren’t clear on what’s expected. Other times kids are not developmentally able to follow a certain rule. Often habitual behaviors are because a child is seeking connection or something deeper is going on. It takes a lot more work to get to the bottom of a problem, but the overall results are worth the effort. Harsh punishment can hurt our relational base or fail to fix the problem. We don’t want our kids to fear us.

Here are some ideas on how to become a more patient parent:

• Remember where your child is developmentally
• Use empathy when they are upset
• Foster a family attitude of patience and calm
• Use the family mantra, “We get to practice being patient.”
• Ask for help
• Recognize your triggers and be proactive
• Take care of yourself

Empathy:

Empathy is our ability to see another’s point of view and to share their feelings. Being empathic with or kids when they have to deal with consequences is especially important.

Why is this so important in parenting? Showing empathy toward our kids is important because:

• It shows we care.
• Our kids will feel less alone.
• Our kids feel understood.
• Empathy encourages acceptance and tolerance.
• Empathy is the foundation of relationships.
• When we model empathy, our kids are more likely to learn it, and therefore, have stronger relationships themselves.

You can read more on Empathy: What is it? Here and Empathy: Helping Kids with Big Feelings here.

Ways to be more empathetic:

• Understand that your child’s behavior is a way of communicating.
• Get to the bottom of their behavior to help yourself understand what’s going on with them.
• Try to see things the way they see it.
• Withhold your own judgements.
• Manage your own stress and work on your emotional intelligence.
• Be curious. Ask questions.
• Be willing to be vulnerable.
• Read Empathetic Statements here.

Emotion Coaching:

There has been considerable research on how important our emotional health is. As parents, we can help our kids develop their emotional help from toddler years to adulthood. Again, helping them with emotional health doesn’t mean we allow all behaviors or allow our kids to run the show. It’s about fostering their health.

Read about Emotional Health for Parents here and Emotional Intelligence for Kids here.

Here are some tips on implementing emotion coaching in your family:

• Validate a child’s experience and respect their feelings, however silly they may seem.
• Teach them to label emotions.
• Teach them to have healthy coping mechanisms or tools to work through emotion. Maybe that means taking a break, or hitting a pillow, or taking deep breaths, or special recognition (count 5 blue things in the room).
• We can open the lines of emotional communication with our empathy and understanding. Always, always, always lead with empathy before lectures, advice, or help. This opens their minds to thinking and shows them we are there in support.
• Asking questions is usually better than making statements. It’s gets them thinking. “How are you feeling?” “What made you feel this way.” What questions are typically best, because they can describe what happened.
• Be sure to also set important boundaries with love. Sure, it’s OK to get mad at your sibling. But it is never OK to hit them out of anger, and there will be appropriate consequences for hitting (not the anger).
• Emotional support parents also know it’s OK to show emotion while parenting. We can show our kids that we get angry and frustrated too. We label our emotions and find healthy ways to express and cope. We apologize when we get overwhelmed and yell.
• One key trait of an emotionally healthy and emotion supporting parent, is that they notice small emotions before they become big and overwhelming. You may notice your child feeling frustrated and intervene before it becomes full blown anger.
• Take these opportunities to connect. Give your child a safe place to get their feelings out. Some of the stronger emotions can be scary for kids. They can feel out of control of their bodies, and having us as a safe place to express that is important.
• Use preventative parenting. When things are calm, talk about what your child can do when they feel overwhelmed or angry. “Let’s figure out a plan for when you’re feeling angry, so we don’t hurt anyone.” “Let’s make a list of 5 things to do when you feel sad.” “Next time you feel angry, count 5 blue things, or list 5 things you are thankful for.
• Separate the emotion or behavior from the child. Your child is not the problem. But maybe, they don’t make great choices when they are overwhelmed. Those choices are the issue you want to help fix, not the child.

Acceptance:

Positive parents don’t expect kids to do things they aren’t capable of. We understand that there are certain things kids can’t do at certain ages. We not only accept this, but we work to guide our kids in a loving manner until they are ready.

We also accept our kids for who they are. Some kids are more strong-willed than others, some are shyer. And while we will sometimes make our kids stretch in ways in which they aren’t comfortable, we understand and accept our child for who they are.

We also accept that we can’t get it right every time. We’re human and we will have our moments where we yell or unjustly punish our kids. We accept grace for ourselves, apologize to our kids, and learn from the experience. Our growth as a parent will benefit both ourselves and our families.

Connection:

Humans were wired for connection. From infancy, attachment and connection are huge in how well our kids develop, how well they behave, and how strong our family structure is. Research has continually shown how important this attachment is to our kids. As parents, we can look for opportunities to connect with our kids. Not only because connection can help with behavior, but because we want to create a relationship that lasts longer than the 18 years they live at home.

• Find ways to connect often with your kids, both individually and as a family.
• Study your child. See what makes them tick. Learn their love language. Find what truly speaks to their heart and show them love in those ways.
• Have fun together.
• Live life together. Be open and honest. Let them help. Offer to help them.
• It’s important to be the parent/authority of your family and have expectations for your kids. But remember your relationship is what will last.

Read Everything You Need to Know About Connection-Based Parenting.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

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Other blogs you may like:

Building Your Child’s Self-Worth

Helping Kids Develop a Growth Mindset

Helping Kids Develop an Optimistic Mindset

Becoming a Relationship-Based Parent

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Emily Scott, PhD and Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

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There are dozens of parenting labels out there – connection parenting, attachment parenting, positive parenting, gentle parenting, conscious, intentional. Most of these have a positive spin to them, although they can easily be misunderstood as permissive parenting. There are more that have a more negative connotation – helicopter, authoritarian, detached, neglectful, punitive. Parents can easily get too bogged down in labels and ensuring we fall completely into the philosophy we choose. It’s important to not allow ourselves to focus too much on labels, but it is important to focus on our parenting habits and how healthy our family is.

Connection-based parenting is one of the many terms to describe a relationship-based, respectful parenting philosophy that helps foster a family connection, positive, guided discipline, that aims to raise healthy, responsible, and capable adults.

These points on connection-based parenting are a great starting point for parents of young kids who are just beginning their parenting journey, and for families of older kids who are looking to rewire their parenting minds and rework their parenting habits.

Key Points on Connection-Based Parenting:

• When kids have unmet needs (physical, emotional, etc), we often see behavior problems. Many undesired behaviors are a symptom of something deeper.
• Parents can often focus on the behavior, instead of the person. It’s better to focus on the person first and find underlying problems that may be leading to undesired behavior. This takes more work than simply punishing the child for the undesired behavior, but it’s worth the effort.
• Treating kids with respect, kindness, and dignity teaches them how to treat others the same.
• Kids shouldn’t have to earn dignity.
• We understand that undesired behaviors are part of a child’s developmental process (all kids will push and test boundaries at some point) and often a symptom of something bigger (like disconnection or internal feelings).
• Lack of connection can have an impact on emotional and physical wellbeing. This means that when kids feel disconnected, their feelings will be seen in their behavior.
• This type of parenting takes effort and work. It’s often easier to punish kids for misbehavior or tell them to “stop crying” or “get over it.” Looking behind the behavior and working on relationship or emotional intelligence when times are hard takes more effort. But it gives kids the skills they need, instead of punishing a problem away.
• We have a focus on emotional intelligence for both ourselves and our kids. We don’t push away our kids’ uncomfortable feelings, but instead share in problem-solving to feel better and manage how we feel. (You can read more on Emotional Wellness for Parents and Emotional Intelligence for Kids here).
• We model what we want our kids to see. Want your kids to handle conflict well? Want your kids to have emotional regulation? Want to see them treat others with respect? They need to see you live that and they need you to teach them how.
• We are proactive. We see emotions when they are small and deal with them before they become big and overwhelming. We work on connection when things are going smooth to keep our kid’s love tank full.
• Being a connection focused parent doesn’t mean that we don’t have expectations for our kids. We can still expect them to do chores, homework, work hard, etc. But we don’t just place these expectations upon them without being there to guide or support them when needed.

Connection-Based Parenting versus Permissive Parenting

Connection-based parenting is not the same as being a pushover parent or a permissive parent. There is often a lot of confusion here. It would be easy to veer from connection-based parenting to being a permissive parent.

Permissive parenting allows kids free reign, no boundaries, or consequences. There aren’t many or any rules or behavior help. Kids are often given too much independence or have to make decisions they aren’t capable of making yet. Permissive parents give in to demands, often because they don’t want to deal with conflict. Often these parents want their kids to like them or don’t own their authority as parent. They often rescue kids from failure or disappointment.

I’m sure most of us have exhibited some of these characteristics in our parenting journey. And that’s OK. We can’t expect ourselves to get it right every time. However, if we notice unhealthy patterns of behavior that are negatively impacting our family, we should make the conscious effort to improve.

You can read more on the three main parenting styles here.

In contrast to the permissive style, connection-based parents still enforce boundaries and allow kids to deal with consequences. We don’t solve all our kid’s problems or hover over their lives. We are involved in their lives, but not ruling over their lives. We hold our boundaries (even though we may be willing to discuss them with our kids if they find them unfair).

31 Days to Renew Your Parenting is available now!

Practical Application of Connection-Based Parenting:

So, what are some practical examples of what connection-focused parenting looks like? Here are a few examples of connection parenting in action.

Look behind a negative or unwanted behavior:

A child who refuses to do homework may not being rebellious, but maybe is struggling with something else. Many times, when we see our kids struggling with behavior, there is something going on underneath. Often, they aren’t even sure what’s going on within them that is causing them to feel off.

Find ways to connect:

Relationship is the key to parenting. When our connection is strong everything else will typically be easier. We work to build a strong, secure relationship with our kids, fill their emotional bank account, give them realistic encouragement, let them know we believe they are capable, and enjoy our time together.

Empathy and understanding:

We don’t have to agree with our child’s choices to still feel empathy for what they have to deal with. Furthermore, understanding who our kids are and what’s going on in their lives will help us relate to them and build our relationship.

You can read more on Empathy here.

Positive discipline:

All kids will test boundaries and break rules. Some more than others. This is a healthy part of development. Instead of punishing our kids for making mistakes or pushing limits, we use logical or natural consequences and we are loving and empathetic. Making a kid feel worse won’t help him behave better, especially in the long run. When problems arise, we work as a family to come to solutions. We don’t punish our kids for having problems or feelings, but instead guide them to make better choices, solve problems, or feel better.

Proactive parenting:

You can read more on Proactive Parenting here, but in a nutshell, it means that we plan for trouble. Maybe you notice your child starting to struggle with certain things, so you talk with them and work together to find a solution before it becomes a big problem. This can go for emotions too. We notice small frustrations before they become full blown anger and guide our kids to learn to manage small feelings. Additionally, being proactive means we have some idea of how our kids will likely develop. We understand that a 3-year-old doesn’t have the ability to sit still for long, so we help them manage themselves when they do.

Family values:

While parents are the authority of the family, they don’t rule with a non-wavering iron fist. Instead, they allow kids to have a say in boundaries and rules that the child is able to help with. This doesn’t mean we necessarily allow our teen to choose a 3am curfew, or allow our 5-year-old to choose to walk across town alone. Instead, it means we work together as a family to have rules or boundaries, as well as family values we all work to hold up.

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Remember, parenting is a life-long relationship that requires a lot of work on your part. But the work is well worth the effort. Our kids deserve us doing the best we can, even when times are hard. And although we can’t get it right all the time, we can always love our kids well.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Emily Scott, PhD and Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post Essential Guide to Connection-Based Parenting appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Parents today are facing many hardships that make the already difficult task of parenting even harder. We can feel overwhelmed, alone, undervalued, unappreciated, and worried. Parenting is such an important job, and we want to do our best. But sometimes we don’t know how to do “our best.” And sometimes, that struggle can cause us to lose our focus, lose our heart for loving our kids well, or feel like we are failing and want to give up.

Seeing the pain in parenting today truly hurts my heart, not only because of how hard it is on my fellow parents, but because I feel it sometimes too. I see so many parents give up or lash out, feeling defeated and alone. I see parents at their wits’ end, fed up with their kids, and not enjoying their family. I don’t believe this is what parenting should be. Although we can never get rid of the struggles we face as parents, we can equip our hearts to continue to parent with joy, intention, and love—even when times are hard.

Find the encouragement and support of 31 Days to Renew Your Parenting here!

I wrote this guided reflection not only so that you know you aren’t alone, but also to help guide you to be the best parent you can be for your unique child and family. I believe there are some parenting universals (like unconditional love, mutual trust, understanding, security, and empathy) that we should all understand, but make our own because our families are so unique. Our own self and the uniqueness of our children can make it difficult to follow formulas created by parenting experts. And while I believe their information can be incredibly helpful to read or try out, only you can know what is best for your family. As a parent coach, I’m not here to tell you how to raise your kids, but instead to guide you to be the best parent you can be for them. So, let these daily reflections guide you over the next few weeks to renew your heart for parenting your children.

This idea of renewing your parenting is focused on learning what you need as a parent—what areas you need to improve in, along with recognizing what you are doing well. The overall goals of renewing your parenting are to foster a healthy and supportive relationship with your kids and create an environment where your family can flourish. This is the center of all your parenting. You are the expert on your child and how to best raise them to be who they were created to be. We can easily fall into the trap of behavior control without relationship, which causes continued power struggles and hard times. This can take the joy out of parenting and even make us not want to spend time with our kids. By remembering to love them unconditionally and focus on building a strong relational base, we can renew our hearts and bring the joy back to parenting. Sure, there will still be struggles; that’s just life. But we can utilize tools to handle those struggles better than we have in the past. And we can use these struggles to build our resilience. Struggles don’t have to be painful; they can be influential.

Each day you’ll read about one aspect of parenting that often troubles parents. Maybe one day won’t speak to you in your current season, but perhaps it’s something you’ve dealt with in the past or will one day. I encourage you to take it one day at a time and spend a few minutes truly reflecting on how this aspect speaks to where you are in your parenting journey. If you are making changes to your habits or trying to renew your heart for parenting, take one thing at a time. Focusing on too many things at once can be overwhelming. Also, be sure to recognize small successes when they happen. Maybe you were able to pause and respond calmly when previously you would have yelled. That’s a great step. Remember when your kids were learning to walk? Those first few baby steps were so wobbly and small. But they were amazing, and we were so excited. If only we recognized our own baby steps with such excitement and positivity.

31 Days to Renew Your Parenting is available here!

Being an effective, loving parent takes time and effort. And sometimes in parenting we can feel alone. The overwhelm or the mundane of parenting can cause us to lose focus or lose our heart for parenting well, with love and enjoyment. I am here to offer you encouragement and guidance to renew your heart for parenting with love, intention, and purpose.

The post 31 Days to Renew Your Parenting Book appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Parenting is training our kids to become successful, respectful, responsible adults, while also focusing on building a strong relationship that will last a lifetime. One important area of focus is in teaching life skills. The skills we teach our kids set them up for success as adults. These life skills are much more lasting than any lecture we can give. In order to teach our kids how to thrive as adults, they need to know many basic skills and how to handle themselves. Being an adult is hard and it’s even harder if we aren’t prepared.

I think many adults enter adulthood unprepared for many of the challenges they will face. And it’s impossible to teach our kids every lesson they’ll ever need to learn as kids. But we can make an effort to teach our kids important and necessary life skills. The process of learning these skills is what really matters. The problem-solving and resilience in learning will serve them well as adults.

We want our kids to learn as much (and make as many mistakes as possible) while they are young. Mistakes are usually easier to bounce back from when they are younger, rather than as an adult. This is especially true when they have supportive parents. So, it’s important to allow them to do things themselves and use their own ideas. Safe mistakes are great ways to learn.

When we talk about life skills, I don’t only mean cooking and laundry. Social and emotional skills are incredibly important. Having a good handle on our emotional health can help us when we encounter a physical skill we need to learn.

Start teaching life skills:

Make 2 lists:

1. Think of life skills you learned as a child that you are thankful you learned.

2. Think of things you learned as an adult that you wished you’d learned as a kid.

Combine your two lists and find fun, creative ways to teach your kids these skills.

Teaching Life-Skills:

• Create real-life scenarios.
• Avoid rescuing them from struggles, but always be there to consult if they need help.
• Let them handle and do things themselves.
• Have hypothetical what-if conversations.
• Let them help you with everything.
• Let them see how you manage your life.
• Model your own management, skills, emotional-regulation, problem-solving.
• Let them try out their own (safe) ideas to learn the cause and effect of decision making.
• Focus on the learning process more than the end result. The learning process is what will serve them later when they encounter a problem they have never faced.
• Remind them they can do hard things and are capable of learning anything. (Read more on Helping Kids Develop a Growth Mindset here.)
• Kids feel good about themselves when they accomplish something. This can build their self-worth.

These are all important skills to learn, but don’t feel like a failure if you can’t teach your kids everything. Ensuring they have a growth mindset and the belief they can persevere through hard times can greatly help them when they encounter something they feel unprepared for.

Social-Emotional Life-Skills:

• How to motivate themselves
• Manners, being polite
• Dealing with failure
• Time-management
• Growth Mindset and Resilience
• How to handle rude/mean people
• Emotional management
• Conflict resolution
• Impulse control
• Asking for help
• Respect (for themselves and others)
• Apologizing, admitting a mistake
• Problem-solving, knowing how/when/who to ask for help

Practical Life-Skills:

• Applying for a job
• Banking, checkbook, accounts
• Making phone calls (doctor, dentist, etc.)
• Taxes
• Car care
• Cooking, laundry, dishes, cleaning, yard care, basic household jobs
• Organization of time and material
• Money management, taxes, credit, paying bills
• How to fix things
• Car care, flat tire, oil change, etc.
• Pet care
• Self-care
• Use a fire extinguisher
• CPR
• Grocery shopping
• Mail, email, send letters
• Follow a map
• Vote

This may seem like an overwhelming number of things you need to teach your kids. Please remember that it would be nearly impossible to teach your kids every life-skill, and there are some things we want them to learn on their own. The key is that you’ve given them the skills to figure out how to handle a situation they have never encountered.

As parents, we can keep these things in mind as we engage with our kids. We can find times to help them learn a certain skill. One of the best ways to do this is simply living life with them. Allow them to help with tasks and discuss the process. Have fun doing these things together. While we want to instill a lesson and skill, we are also fostering our relationship.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

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You may also like:

Helping Kids Develop an Optimistic Mindset

Emotional Intelligence for Kids

Why Chores are So Important

Conversation Starters to Build Emotional Intelligence

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Emily Scott, PhD and Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post Preparing Kids for Adulthood: Teaching Life Skills appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

It’s hard to hear our kids say unkind things about themselves. We parents often want to shift their thinking immediately so they have a more positive view of themselves. (We hear them say, “I’m so stupid!” and immediately counter with, “Oh no, you are so smart!”) And while we mean the best, when we do this, we can easily dismiss their real emotions and don’t help them learn to rewire their brains for long-term benefit.

Everyone has an inner dialogue, and it can vary between positive, neutral, and negative. This inner dialogue can guide us and help us process life.

Our brains are amazing, but they can sometimes become overactive. We can get sticky thoughts that are hard to turn off. Negative thoughts can easily become ingrained in our brains and become our beliefs. We can teach our kids that negative thoughts are not part of their identity and how to replace these with more positive, growth-based thoughts.

What negative self-talk is:

Negative self-talk is when we (or our kids) say negative things about ourselves or have negative inner thoughts. We all do it from time to time, but these inner thoughts can easily become wired and become detrimental. There are many forms of negative inner dialogue, ranging from catastrophic thinking, to seemingly mundane self-criticisms.

• “I failed that spelling test. I am so stupid.”
• “That kid is really good at soccer. I’ll never be that good.”
• “Those kids didn’t play with me. Everyone hates me.”
• “I only did good on my homework because my Dad helped me.”
• “My dad isn’t feeling well. He is going to die like Grandpa.”

Why kids develop negative self-talk:

There are many reasons kids could develop this kind of negative self-talk, but here are a few of the most common.

• Not being resilient
• Insecurities
• Negative/Unfavorable labels placed on them
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Fixed mindset (Read more on Growth Mindset here.)
• Pessimistic mindset (Read more on Optimism here.)
• Low feelings of self-worth and confidence (Read more on Fostering Self-Worth here.)
• Holding themselves to too high of a standard
• Conflict with peers or worrying about kids liking them
• Not feeling or experiencing unconditional love

When our kids have negative self-talk or have developed unhealthy patterns of thinking, here are a few things we can do to help them create more positive ways of thinking:

• Let kids know why they feel the way they do. Our brains are made to protect us, which often means that fear can get loud and scary. Let kids know their brains recognize fear to protect us, but we can control how much it runs our lives. Our brain can always develop sticky thoughts that are hard to get rid of. Sometimes it’s negative self-talk, sometimes it’s a scary belief that Mom or Dad might die, or another thought they can’t break. We can talk to our kids about their brains and how we can train them like we’d train a new puppy. We can break bad habits and rewire our brain.
• Talk about facts versus stories. Facts are facts. Stories are what we tell ourselves about the facts. It’s often these stories that cause problems. So, the fact may be that your kid failed a test and the story they tell themselves is that they are stupid. It is the story that needs to be countered before your child’s brain wires it as a belief.
• Don’t jump right in with, “Oh that’s not true. You are so smart!” or “Don’t say that. You are great at baseball.” We are trying to make our kids feel better, but the feeling they feel is valid to them. Young kids are learning metacognition. They are learning how to think about their thoughts and themselves. If we constantly and habitually dismiss their feelings, they learn not to trust how they feel. While we don’t have to agree with the feeling (especially the negative), we don’t need to dismiss it. Use empathy and validate how they feel. “It must be hard to feel that way.” Another one I’ve heard parents say is, “Aren’t you glad I don’t believe that.”
• Replace. Negative thoughts can easily get stuck. Our brains can have ‘sticky thoughts’ that are really hard to stop focusing on. (A great book on this is “Overcoming Unwanted and Intrusive Thoughts” by Sally Winston and Martin Seif.) Replacing them with something positive right away may not always work because our brains won’t believe it. Sometimes it’s better to start with something neutral and then move to something positive. With repetition, these new thoughts can replace the negative thought patterns. So, a kid who is automatically saying, “I am so bad at soccer!” every time his kick is off, can first learn to say something like, “I am learning how to play soccer” or “I am still new at soccer and learning more every time I kick.” Eventually, with practice, those kicks will get better, and the neutral thought can be replaced with something more positive like, “I am a good kicker” or “My kicks are getting stronger.”
• Practice Optimism. An optimistic person has a growth mindset and knows they can do hard things or learn from a challenge or mistake. Optimism is a mindset we want to foster in our kids. Read more on Optimism for Kids here. Optimism and toxic positivity can easily be confused. We don’t want to give our kids a pair of rose-colored glasses with which to view the world. They need to see reality, but they also need to see themselves as capable of growth. Read more on Helping Kids Develop a Growth Mindset here. A child who is optimistic will have a more positive outlook, be more willing to face challenges, and build resilience.
• Reflect. Whenever our kids overcome something hard, ask them how it feels. Let them know they are a person who can do hard things and can use that same mindset and skills the next time they face a problem.

Here are some reflection questions:

• How does that feel?
• How did you do this?
• Was there a problem? How did you solve it?
• What steps did you take?
• What worked well?
• What didn’t work so well?
• What would you do different/same next time?
• What did you learn?
• When can you apply this lesson again?

Final thought:

Parents have a lot of power in how our kids develop their metacognition and view of self. The way we speak to our children and about our children can have a major impact on how they view themselves. Be cautious of what you say about them when you think they aren’t listening. Also, be cautious of overly praising or giving them too much “constructive criticism.” We don’t need to make kids feel bad to get them to behave or work harder. Kids need to know they are loved even when they have negative self-beliefs, don’t get good grades, or make mistakes.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

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You may also like:

How To Foster Open Communication

Building Resilience in Our Kids

Helping Kids Learn Problem Solving

Helping Our Kids Develop an Attitude of Gratitude

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Emily Scott, PhD and Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post Ways Parents can Help Kids Develop Positive Inner Dialogue appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

Having an optimistic outlook is much than living life with rose-colored glasses. It’s a mindset that can really set us up for resilience and growth. Life is sure to throw us curve balls, and having an optimistic outlook can really help us through these difficult times without minimizing the difficulties we will face. Fostering this mindset in our kids can help them overcome life’s obstacles and build resilience.

Importance of Optimism

Optimism is important for many reasons. Having this outlook can help us:

• Be more resilient to stress
• Be healthier and happier
• Reduce depression
• Work toward our goals
• Face challenges
• Overcome setbacks

As parents, these all sound like things we want for our kids. Additionally, researchers have found how important instilling optimism in kids is:

“Kids who believe bad events are permanent, pervasive, and personal while good events are temporary, local, and externally caused are at heightened risk for getting depressed.”

“So we established that pessimism in a child puts him at risk for depression. And once depression sets in, the biggest risk factor for later depression is prior depression. A vicious circle has started, and children now react to each new setback by getting depressed again.”

Quotes from page 82 of The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience (2007) by: Martin E.P. Seligman, PhD.

What Optimism Isn’t

Optimism can easily be confused with toxic positivity or seeing the world through rose-colored glasses. The important distinction is that optimism is still grounded in reality, while the other two aren’t. Being optimistic doesn’t mean we discount struggles, but see them for what they are in reality, see how we can overcome them, and what we can learn for the future.

What Optimism Is

Optimism is a mindset that allows us to understand we are capable of overcoming hard things. This mindset helps us be resilient. A person who tends towards optimism will see their setbacks as something to overcome, whereas a more pessimistic person may see a setback as too much to overcome or something final with no solution.

Our explanatory style is how we explain what happens to us. It isn’t the “thing” (the stressor, the event), that can tell us what to think or feel. Instead, it is what we think or feel about the “thing.” It’s the story we tell ourselves. We can get so frozen in what we are telling ourselves that we can’t act.

8 Ways to Foster Optimism in Our Family

1. Give kids opportunities to succeed:

Researchers have found that repeated successes for our kids can lead to more optimism (Seligman, 2007). We, of course, don’t want to just hand successes to them or not allow them to struggle with manageable problems. But we can also help create situations where they thrive. We can foster an environment of active learning in things they are interested in or physical activity in things they can do well.

2. Foster positive thinking:

Negative thoughts can be hard to get rid of. Wiring our brains for more positivity is good for our mental and overall health. We can interrupt negative thoughts by recognizing when we tell ourselves something negative and countering it with something neutral or positive. We can help our kids do this as well with statements like this:

“I am telling myself ___, but that isn’t true because ____.”

“I have overcome hard things before, so I know I can ______.”

3. Foster reality thinking:

Our own thinking can lead us to believe things that aren’t reality. One bad grade doesn’t make a child a failure, but their minds can easily lead to that conclusion. Kids can become so focused on these negative thoughts that they are unable to solve the problem or move forward. We can help our kids counter these unrealistic beliefs with more reality-based thinking.

“Is this belief accurate to the situation?”

“What negative thoughts am I thinking?”

“What is a more accurate way to see this situation?”

“When have I overcome something like this in the past?”

4. Foster mental cleverness:

Our ability to see things from other perspectives and see the causes of problems can greatly help us develop

“This is the situation right now. This thing I am worried about hasn’t happened yet, but if it does I will _____.”

“I have overcome challenges doing ____ before.”

“This problem may need creative solutions. What’s a different way to look at it? What have I learned in the past that can help me here?”

5. Foster thankfulness:

When we focus on the good things in our life, we are more inclined to see the good more often. You can read more on the Importance of Instilling an Attitude of Gratitude here. Whatever ways you can make the habitual practice of expressing thankfulness work for your family will greatly impact everyone’s mental health.

6. Face challenges: Instead of running from challenges, help your kids face them head on, look for the cause, find solutions, learn to ask for help, and be proactive.

Read more on Helping Kids with Problem Solving here.

7. Be mindful of criticism:

Kids can really internalize our criticism, however “constructive” we mean it to be. Instead of saying, “You are just not so good at guitar.” Try something like, “I can see the effort you’re putting in.” or “I think this instrument is giving you a hard time.”

Instead of saying, “Spelling is not your strong suit.” Try something like, “This week’s spelling list was a tough one.” Or “I think we need to put aside more time for spelling each week.”

The key difference here is that we aren’t criticizing the child or putting a label (bad speller, crummy guitar player) on them. We are talking in more temporary terms and about things that can be changed. Kids need to know they can change things they struggle with. Their effort is always more important than their results.

8. Model it:

When our kids hear us speaking negatively about ourselves (or others) they will pick up on that attitude. If I want to see my kids live out a certain mindset, they certainly need to see me live it out.

Do you have a tendency to be negative or pessimistic? What steps can you do to help shift your own mindset? What ways can you model this in daily life and conversations with your kids?

By: Emily Scott, PhD

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You may also like:

Emotional Wellness for Kids

Building Resilience in Our Kids

The Power of Even Though: Building Resilience in Hard Times

Helping Kids Develop a Growth Mindset

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Emily Scott, PhD and Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post 8 Ways to Foster and Optimistic Mindset appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

One of the best things we can do our kids, is help them develop a growth mindset. Kids with a growth mindset believe they are capable and can handle challenges. These are definitely characteristics I want my kids to develop and have as adults.

Fixed Mindset: People with a fixed mindset typically believe they aren’t able to learn more or new things, or they get stuck when they make mistakes. They don’t usually like failure and can easily shut down when things get hard. You may hear your kid say, “I am not good at basketball.”

Growth Mindset: People with a growth mindset typically believe they can learn new things, expand their brain, and are willing to take on challenges. They know they can learn from mistakes. You may hear your kid say, “I can’t do this yet.” Or “I am still learning how to do math.”

Most of us have a little bit of both of these mindsets from time to time. The more we can foster a Growth Mindset in our kids, the more willing they will be to take on challenges and not give up when things get hard.

You can read more on Helping Kids Develop a Growth Mindset here.

Here are some conversation starters to use at family dinners, car rides, or anything other chance you have to engage with your kids that will help foster a growth mindset:

1. What did you learn today?

2. When was a time you didn’t give up?

3. When did you solve a problem?

4. What steps can you take to solve a new problem?

5. What is something you want to improve at doing?

6. When did you improve? How? How did it feel?

7. What are some goals you have?

8. What do you feel/think when you make a mistake?

9. What strengths do you have?

10. What can you do if you feel like you can’t do something?

11. Do you have negative thoughts about yourself or your abilities? How can we rewire those to positive?

12. How can I support you?

13. What is something new you want to learn?

14. What is something hard you did?

15. When were you challenged today/this week?

16. What was the last hard thing you did?

17. What made you think hard?

18. What is something easy you did that used to be hard?

19. When was the last time you asked for help?

20. When was the last time someone asked you for help?

These conversation starters are a great way to get your child thinking about themselves and their lives. Remember, modeling a positive, growth mindset is one of the best ways for our kids to learn how to do it themselves. Let them hear you talk about times you’ve overcome something challenging, or let them see you make mistakes and how you learned.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

We are here to support you on your parenting journey. Parenting support sent right to your inbox.

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You may also like:

5 Ways to be a Relationship-Based Parent

5 Impactful Ways to Build Your Child’s Self-Worth

Focusing on Your Child’s Mental Health

Easily Family Conversation Starters

Conversation Starters to Foster Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence for Kids

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Emily Scott, PhD and Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post Conversation Starters to Foster a Growth Mindset appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

We want our kids to do their best. We want them to succeed. One of the best ways we can set them up for success is helping them develop a growth mindset.

In this article, we will talk about two of the main mindset types: Growth and Fixed. We will also discuss a few ways you can help your kids develop a growth mindset.

Mindset Definition-

Our mindset, how we view ourselves and the world, has a great impact on our lives and relationships. Our mindset fuels our actions and how we view our actions.

Primary Definitions:

Growth Mindset-

A person with a growth mindset will see failure or mistakes as a catalyst for growth or a learning opportunity. They know they can learn anything if they try hard enough, put in the effort, and stretch their brain. They also see failure, not as a reflection of themselves and their abilities, but as a means to grow. People with this mindset will often be willing to try new things or take on challenges.

Fixed Mindset-

Someone with a fixed mindset will believe nothing can be changed. They will see a failure or mistake as a reflection of their intelligence or ability and that they can’t learn anything from it. They’ll often avoid risks and new things. You will often hear them say things like, “I am not good at this.” Or “I can’t do this/anything.”

We can all have a little bit of both a fixed and growth mindset. In order to tell which one your child has in certain situations, pay attention to what they say when they make mistakes, how easily they give up, or how stuck they get when things get hard. If your child usually gives up when things get hard or you hear them saying negative things about themselves, they likely have a predominately fixed mindset. Kids with a fixed mindset often get frustrated easily too.

Helping Our Kids Develop a Growth Mindset-

Researchers are finding that people with a growth mindset are often more successful than others. They don’t give up and are typically willing to try. This mindset is truly something that can help us succeed in life, and that’s something we want for our kids.

There are lots of ways we can foster this outlook. Here are a few ways to get your family started on developing a growth mindset:

• Help kids understand practice and perseverance help them achieve.
  • Talk with them through their struggles with your genuine empathy and understanding. Point out times they overcame something hard, or talk about when you did. When they don’t give up on something challenging, ask them what they did to succeed and how it feels when they accomplished the task.

• Make mistakes something to grow from, not something worth punishment.
  • There is value in mistakes and struggles, but many kids see a failure as final. Again, talk with them about how our brains can grow and circuits can expand when we preserve and learn new things. As parents, we often focus a lot on our kid’s mistakes and sometimes even punish or discipline harshly over them. I’m not saying kids shouldn’t be guided to make the best choices, but we can reframe mistakes as learning opportunities rather than something to be punished over.

• Foster internal motivation:
  • We learn because it’s good for us, not because we want good grades. This belief creates a more internal motivation to learn, not an external motivation (report card). We can’t force internal motivation, but we can foster it. We can allow our kids to feel their accomplishments, focus on the process more than the outcome, give them autonomy, encourage their self-discipline and self-direction, minimize external rewards or incentives, allow them to learn what and how they need, and point out what they do well and why they were successful.

• Help kids develop a positive internal voice:
  • When our kids have negative automatic thoughts, they often have a negative self-view. When we think certain thoughts over and over, they become automatic and difficult to control. We want them to counter those negative thoughts with something more motivating. So, if your child says, “I am so bad at reading.” You would want to help them counter that thought with neutral, “I am learning to read.” Which can eventually become something positive, “I am a good reader.”

• Make them stretch:
  • If kids are always doing things that come easy to them and things they are good at, they aren’t really stretching their brain. So, give them opportunities to do things they do well and do things they may struggle with, but that you know they can overcome. And, always be there to support them if they are struggling. Our brain needs to get uncomfortable in order to grow, and that growth is more likely to happen when there’s a loving, support adult walking along side them.

• Don’t compare:
  • We want to teach our kids to only compare themselves to themselves. Instead of looking at what someone else is doing, they can look at their own actions. Are they improving? Are they meeting their goals? As parents, it’s easy to compare our kids to one another, but it has been shown many times to not be the best practice. We want them to be the best version of themselves, not a better version of someone else.

• Focus on the process:
  • We rarely have much control over the outcome. But we can typically control what we put in, our effort. Results are important, but focusing on the learning process and the effort that went in, is much more beneficial in helping our kids learn to be their best self. How we praise their efforts is important too. Many of us are wired to say, “Good job!” But researchers continue to caution us to focus more on their effort than the end result. Instead, saying, “How did you accomplish that?” or “You look so proud.” Or “I bet that feels good/How does that feel?”

• Make it part of your daily life:
  • The best way for your kids to learn how to have a growth mindset is by watching you have one. It doesn’t come naturally for all of us, but it is something we can work into our daily lives. We don’t want our kids to feel like something is wrong with them as guide them on their journey, so it’s great for them to see us live it out. We can model how we handle struggles, ask them for their help with our own small problems (kids should never have to solve our problems for us, but we can include them in the process and ask them for suggestions so they can practice and feel important), and let them watch us grow our own brain. Having mindset conversations can become part of your family language, just like being thankful, and we can talk about how our brains grow and we do what we can to be our best selves.

Here are some questions to get a Growth Mindset Conversation started-

• What can you learn from this?

• When was a time you didn’t give up?

• What can you do to solve this problem?

• How did you get to this point?

• What is something new you want to learn?

• What is something hard you did?

Read the full article on Conversation Starters to Build a Growth Mindset here.

Positive Sayings for Kids-

• I am strong.
• I can do hard things.
• Mistakes help me learn.
• Challenges make me stronger.
• I can challenge myself.
• I want to learn new things.
• I can always improve.
• I choose to have a positive attitude.
• Practice helps me get better.
• I can train and grow my brain.
• I can always do my best and that is good enough.
• I am wonderful.

Try incorporating these into your own vocabulary as well. Modeling this for your kids is one of the best ways for them to learn.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

We are here to support you on your parenting journey. Parenting support sent right to your inbox.

Follow along with Renewed Hope Parenting on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter! We’d love for you to join us.

You may also like:

5 Ways to be a Relationship-Based Parent

5 Impactful Ways to Build Your Child’s Self-Worth

Focusing on Your Child’s Mental Health

Easily Family Conversation Starters

Conversation Starters to Foster Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence for Kids

The post Helping Kids Develop a Growth Mindset appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

The Power of “Even Though”

Building Resilience and Gratitude in Difficult Times

As parents, we want to equip our kids with the tools they’ll need to handle the struggles of life. Resilience is one of those tools we want to give our kids in their success toolbox. Building resilience is an on-going process throughout life. People who have been working on building resilience typically can handle hard times or know pull from past experiences to see their strength.

Resilience has many components. Teaching our kids to find the “even though …” in difficult times, is just one of many ways our kids can develop this vital skill. With this skill, we can accept the difficult situation and still look for ways to be thankful, find ways to overcome, or use skills we’ve developed in the past to feel better.

Importance of Gratitude

Instilling an attitude of gratitude in our families is important. The habitual practice of thankfulness has been shown to have many health benefits, from better mental health, to better sleep, to better relationships. (Read more on Instilling an Attitude of Gratitude in Our Kids here.)

Although we know that expressing gratitude is good for us, there are times in our lives when it’s difficult. Life throws us curve balls and we go through difficult seasons where it can be hard to find anything to be thankful for. In 2018, our family lost our home and everything we owned in a California wildfire. It was an incredibly difficult season, but we made a point to find any little thing to be thankful for.

Modeling

Our kids learn a great deal about life from watching us. Therefore, it’s important for us to model resilience and gratitude for them to see. We can talk with them when life gets hard and let them see how we struggle and overcome. I think showing our kids what is “real” is important. Let them see you struggle and how you overcome. Model what you hope to see in them.

(Read more on Parental Resilience here.)

The Power of “Even Though” in action:

“Even though I got a bad grade, I can study more.”

“Even though I didn’t do well on the test, I know I studied really hard.”

“This bad thing happened. And even though it happened, I am OK.”

“Even though this is a hard situation, I know I can do hard things.”

“Even though I didn’t make the team, I can still play with my friends or try out next year.”

“Even though our home burned down, we are all safe and can make a plan to rebuild.”

Toxic Positivity and Empathy

A quick note on toxic positivity: When someone is struggling, it isn’t usually helpful to discount their feelings and what they are going through. For example, we had many people tell us, “It was just stuff” that we lost in the fire. They truly meant well and were trying to help us get perspective. It was JUST stuff, but it was OUR stuff, and hearing this all the time didn’t help us feel any better. This is where empathy is so important. We don’t need to discount hard times when trying to find the “even though.” Being empathetic, understanding, and compassionate are truly the best ways to build relationships and help people through difficult seasons.

(Read more on Empathy with an Upset Child, Empathy, and Big Emotions here.)

As parents, we have many opportunities throughout our kid’s childhood to help them develop resilience. Finding the “even though …” in hard seasons is just one of the many ways we can help our kids practice gratitude and build mental strength.

By: Emily Scott, PhD

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You may also like:

Focusing on Your Child’s Mental Health

Emotional Intelligence for Kids

Emotional Wellness for Parents

Helping Kids Learn Problem Solving

Conversation Starters for Emotional Intelligence

Build a Strong Self-Worth

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Emily Scott, PhD and Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post The Power of Even Though appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.

The key to our parenting is our foundational relationship with our kids. We can know every parenting skill ever developed, and none will work as well if we don’t have the relational base with our kids. Focusing on enhancing and fostering your relationship with your kids won’t magically make all your problems disappear. But it is what will last. Your relationship with your kids is more important than grades, sports, or any other part of parenting.

To be a relationship-based parent, we first need to define what kind of relationship we hope to foster with our kids. This may look differently from family to family, but here are some ideas to get you started.

Mutual trust.

Respect.

Safety.

Security.

Support.

Comfort.

Honesty.

Communication.

Enjoyment.

Fun.

There are countless ways we can foster our relationship with our kids. Here are five areas of focus to get you started:

Focus on the Individual

It doesn’t always feel like we have what it takes to parent our kids. But we have an innate biological connection that can really set us up for success as parent. So, be a student of your child. Recognize their struggles and qualities. Discover what makes them feel loved and express your unconditional love. Also, understand that as they grow, your relationship may change, but it never becomes any less important. There is no one more important to their development than you.

Focus on Attachment

Connection, attachment, bond. These words are often used interchangeably to mean the basis of our relationship with our kids. From infancy, relationship-based parents seek to meet all the needs of their children and use warmth, affection, and love to foster attachment. As kids grow, we foster our attachment in different ways. Focusing on love languages, quality time, meeting needs, and showing interest.

Focus on Discipline over Punishment

There are dozens of parenting labels out there today, and it isn’t often helpful to get too bogged down in labels, but it can be helpful to see our own patterns of behavior and make changes in areas we need. Being too punitive, or too permissive, or too authoritarian, or too much of a helicopter, can be unhelpful in fostering relationship. Instead, focusing on healthy boundaries and allowing kids to live with the natural consequences of their choices, while being loving and empathetic are all ways research has shown to be an effective parent.

How we choose to discipline our children can have a major impact on our relationship with them. Living in a world with no consequences is as bad as living in constant fear of severe punishment. We don’t want to over punish our kids and make them fearful of us. Fear and punishment have no place in a healthy relationship. Instead, loving boundaries, sincere empathy and understanding, and non-punitive consequences show kids they are cared for and loved.

Additionally, when problems arise, parents who focus on relationship will look behind the behavior. Often, misbehavior is a child’s way of trying to tell us something they don’t know they need to say. Maybe they are feeling disconnected, maybe something is bothering them, or any number of other possible roots could be feeding the weeding misbehavior. Instead of focusing on the behavior, focus on the child.

Focus on Emotional Support

Research continues to show that kids who were raised by emotion coaching parents develop healthy relationship skills and are more successful in many aspects of life. Instead of constantly telling kids to “get over” their negative or uncomfortable feelings, emotional support parents help kids learn what they are feeling and how to deal with those feelings. (Read more on Emotional Intelligence for Kids here.)

Focus on Being Real

There are tons of labels out there for parenting. Helicopter, positive, permissive, lawn mower. Labels we put on our kids can be disabling, and it’s true for us too. Focusing on being a relationship-based parent is great, and so is being a real parent. Let your kids see you struggle and how you overcome. Allow them see you mess up and apologize or make amends. Let them see how you interact with the world. There are good and bad to all these parenting labels, and I think being a real parent is the best we can be.

These five areas of focus are just the start of being a parent who focuses on relationship building.

What other ways can you foster your relationship with your child?

By: Emily Scott, PhD

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You may also like:

Focusing on Your Child’s Mental Health

Fostering Self-Worth

Empathy With an Upset Child

Open Communication

Ways Parents Shut Down Conversation

Conversation Starters to Foster Emotional Health

This blog is written as an educational and general resource only. It should not be used to diagnose or as a substitute for parenting or relational therapy, advice, or counseling with a professional therapist or medical doctor. Renewed Hope Parenting is not responsible for results or use of the information provided in these pages if you choose to use them. Everything included in this blog and website is copyrighted to Emily Scott, PhD and Renewed Hope Parenting and may not be used without permission.

The post Five Ways to be a Relationship Based Parent appeared first on Renewed Hope Parenting.