ARISTIDES: Greetings, Pheidippides! Why are you covered in sweat?

PHEIDIPPIDES: It is because I ran all the way here from Marathon. My friend, I bring important news.

ARISTIDES: Oh, my prayers have been answered! We have all been waiting anxiously for updates. What has happened?

PHEIDIPPIDES: I have achieved a PR!

ARISTIDES: A “PR”?

PHEIDIPPIDES: Oh, I apologize. I forgot you are not a runner. Or rather, you are not yet a runner. PR stands for “Personal Record.” I ran that distance in three hours and thirty minutes. I mean, it is technically the first of its kind, so it would have been a record whatever I did, but I certainly beat my expectations.

ARISTIDES: What happened with the Persians?

PHEIDIPPIDES: Hold on one moment. Let me take some time to transcribe the details.

ARISTIDES: That is a good idea. This way we can circulate the updates through the city faster. But please hurry. Every moment matters, and I am anxious to know what happened.

PHEIDIPPIDES: Here you go.

ARISTIDES (takes the papyrus): “Start Time: 08:36. End Time: 12:09. Distance: 26.2 miles. Elevation gain: Approximately—” Sorry, what is this?

PHEIDIPPIDES: Oh, elevation is crucial, and it is so often overlooked. But when you have a hilly terrain, versus a slight decline, it is a completely different experience.

ARISTIDES: This document just transcribes the statistics of your run.

PHEIDIPPIDES: Yes. I know, it is a vice. But if I do not record it, it is as if it never happened.

ARISTIDES: But what happened with the battle at Marathon?

PHEIDIPPIDES: At Marathon? There absolutely was a battle, but it was a good distance from Marathon. The first fifteen miles, I could really feel my training working. My heart rate was barely elevated, and my muscles and joints felt fine. But around mile eighteen, lactic acid was building up, and my IC band was becoming inflamed. I was in such pain. I thought to myself: “I am in a battle with my body.” But then I realized I was not in a battle with my body; I was in a battle with my fears. My fear of suffering. My fear of giving up. My fear of failure. My fear of—

ARISTIDES: What happened with the battle with the Persians?

PHEIDIPPIDES: Oh, they were defeated.

ARISTIDES: Oh, praise to the gods!

PHEIDIPPIDES: Do you happen to have any ambrosia? I need to replenish my electrolytes.

ARISTIDES: Alas, no. I am sorry. But this is fantastic news. How did this happen?

PHEIDIPPIDES: One word: sandals. Far too often, people overlook the importance of footwear. But the difference between good and bad arch support is the difference between a complete marathon and a DNF.

ARISTIDES: How did we defeat the Persians?

PHEIDIPPIDES: I am sadly not sure. Before I started running, I was a nervous mess. It was hard to focus on anything else. I was able to get into the zone, but only moments before my run began. So I do not know the details.

ARISTIDES: You must address the Assembly!

PHEIDIPPIDES: I mean, I really do not wish to boast, and I do not know if I have any special insight. Honestly, I am just a regular guy who decided to give it a try, and forgot to stop running. But I suppose that if my story can inspire even a single person to take that risk, to push themselves to—

ARISTIDES: We must tell them the news of the Persians.

PHEIDIPPIDES: Do you mind if I hold onto your shoulder while I stretch? I apologize; my body is so sore.

ARISTIDES: Have the Persians fled?

PHEIDIPPIDES: Some of them have. Others are headed to Athens.

ARISTIDES: Oh, my stars! Is it a trap?

PHEIDIPPIDES: Not traps, per se. The pain is mainly in my lower body, although I do feel soreness in my obliques and my delts. This is why I am so grateful that I did cross-training.

ARISTIDES: If the Persians are headed to Athens, we must warn the council immediately. Something must be done.

PHEIDIPPIDES: I know exactly what to do.

ARISTIDES: Yes? What is it?

PHEIDIPPIDES: I shall swim out to intercept them. I have been meaning to get into triathlons anyway.

McSweeney’s

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