Janelle Amber

August Again

Mon, 22 Aug 2022 16:12:55 +0200

My heart is just so full. As I sit in the warm sunlight of an August morning, I can’t help but remember and rejoice at all the Lord has done these past few years.

Seven years ago this month my immediate family and grandparents moved to Tennessee, leaving behind my childhood home, friends, community — the only life I had ever known. Four years ago this month I started my college journey, a rollercoaster journey of highs and lows with covid smack in the middle. One year ago this month, I experienced heartbreak and the agony that accompanies broken dreams.

But here it is, August again. As I look back on my life I cannot help but wonder at the woman I am now. I’m the same and yet different.

I’ve grown and I’ve lost. I’ve loved and I’ve found. I’ve grieved and I’ve danced. I’ve moved and I’ve planted roots. I’ve thrived and I’ve raged. I’ve questioned and I’ve healed.

Grief is mingled with joy. Pain has mixed with health. Sorrow finds its way in the midst of happiness. Lingering chains erode in the light of freedom.

It is impossible to separate the brokenness of this Genesis 3 world from the beauty of the Kingdom at hand. It is completely possible, then, to be healthy and whole and still experience loss and sadness. There are no rules against it, no words that can keep you from experiencing it. It’s the inevitable of the broken world we live in, but the Gospel that we walk in.

My heart feels all flip-floppy, summersault-esque, full to bursting. This has been an incredible past two weeks as I begin this new season of my job. I have a new team, family, now, really. I have an office space, my own cubby, a Vanderbilt mug for tea. I have a beautiful new job where my main responsibility is discipleship and studying the Word. My team is advocating for my spiritual, physical, emotional, and social health and wholeness. I have roommates who are actively pursuing their relationship with Christ, and I have parents and siblings who are walking in the light and truth of salvation. I am meeting new friends and these beautiful women who are longing to grow and are hungry to hear and share the truth. I have baby friends to hold and get to witness young men love each other in spiritual and emotional brotherhood. It’s such a privilege and joy — the Lord is good.

But there are things I have wrestled with as well. It feels strange to have so little to do at Vandy other than show up and be present — I’m so unused to that. I feel out of place, like an imposter. I don’t really belong on this big campus, and it scares me a little bit, but I have to demonstrate some capability and confidence. And yet, I don’t have to put up the walls that I often do, this is a safe place to be fully myself, but vulnerability is still not my first inclination. I want to soak in, dive deep, be fully established, but I recognize that takes time and I don’t have to rush it. But I want to rush it. I want to be the one that barges into a freshman dorm and invites every person I see to come hear and receive the Gospel. But I hide still, staying back a little out of sight. I’m still learning my gifting and what I am good at, because I don’t really know.

But I do know. And when I stop and allow myself to rely fully on the Spirit and his ability to equip me for every good work, I don’t have to be afraid. I know my hope is in Christ, my identity is in him, and my heart belongs to him. There’s not a lot else that I need to fixate on then — He’s got me right where he needs me. The enemy would try to convince me that I can’t feel the negative emotions and I have to be someone I’m not in order to please the Lord. And that’s just total BS.

So here I am, cartwheeling my way down the path laid before me, spinning through all of the cycles of emotions. But I know I’m going to come out with my hands lifted high above my head, feet on the ground, looking ahead with my eyes fixed on Christ, because nothing can separate me from the Love of God! And so in the midst of grief over tragic loss, insecurity over a new season of life, or just some plain ol’ social trepidation, I am here. I choose to be in the thick of it. I choose the strength of the Lord as my joy, and the joy of the Lord as my strength.

Joy mingles with pain. Beauty mixes into the brokenness. Happiness fights out against the grief. Chains once broken can never be restored. I’m wading into the mess of it all, fully fighting, fully surrendered.

It’s another August. Now this one marks the beginning of my post-grad life, the start of my dream job, a new home, new roommates, new work family, a new heart.

Living in Freedom

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 03:35:58 +0200

May 23, 2022 - Journal Excerpt

“I do not start this new chapter without some trepidation. I can’t help but wonder if I’m ready, capable, prepared. … But I don’t want to be afraid. I want to be free. I want to be free of what should be joy but is actually doubt. I want to be free of escape and running from what matters. I want to be free of everything that holds me back from living in Christ’s fullness. I don’t want to be afraid.”

Freedom is a concept our culture has muddled and sullied for a while now, and in the past months or so, has only grown more heated and intense. For me, to grow up as a white, American woman, there is societal expectation that I have the right to certain freedoms — religious, political, physical, social. We, as a culture, have defined the word as something we are owed and often looks like permission to do, act, think, or respond in a specific way. I have the freedom to make choices and any denial of my choice can be seen as oppressive or unjust.

As soon as I checked in for my training with the Navigators, to launch into my new role of campus ministry, a job I had been excited about for months, I felt panicked. I had been so excited to get started but once I was there, I was washed in anxiety. I didn’t know anyone yet, felt completely unprepared, and was starting to second guess myself. So with some desperation, I grabbed my journal and started writing away under the shadow of pine trees, scratching out the prayers in my heart. The word ‘free’ kept coming to my mind and I didn’t realize at the time how much the Lord was waiting to unpack that for me in the days to come.

Live in freedom.

What I so often miss, what the Lord took great pains to show me, is that freedom is more than permission to do whatever makes us happy or satisfied. I am free to take this job. I am free to love my neighbor as myself. I am free for what I do with my body to be my choice. We take great pride and hold it in such high regard because we were created for it — freedom to choose, freedom to love, freedom to explore, discover, create. At face value, none of these things are bad, but more often than not, true freedom comes from “do not” commandments.

…Do not be afraid.

…Do not worry.

…Do not do X,Y, and Z.

How can that be freedom? It’s because Christ cares less about temporary satisfaction or convenience, but preparation for a fuller life. Galatians 5:1 says, “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” When we limit freedom to permission to do what we want, we limit the fullness we can experience as we step away from things that would hinder us. God set up boundary lines on our behalf, because to cross them is to step into a yoke of slavery. Fear does not lead to freedom. Exercising my freedom of speech does not always mean speaking the truth in love. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.

It’s been two months since I wrote those prayers in my journal, and in the last two months, I’ve learned a thing or two, and yet will never reach perfection. To live in freedom means to try new things, with new people, in new places. To go out and share what I’m passionate about, because I have nothing holding me back. But it also means that to live freely, I don’t need to control everything, that’s for the Lord to handle. I don’t need to live in fear of the future or of other people’s responses, I am free of their expectations. And for a culture that holds freedom as one of the highest values, true freedom and liberation means everything.

EDGE - Chapter 1 - The 30,000 Foot View

Wed, 08 Jun 2022 23:38:02 +0200

I never thought I would do anything but teach piano after I graduated. That was the plan. So when I was invited to consider coming on staff with the Navigators my junior year of college, my mind immediately said, “No, that’s not what I’ve been working towards.” But a quiet, still, beautifully small voice in my heart said, “Yes, this is the place you never knew you always longed to be.” Throughout a tumultuous senior year, no matter what I did, what changed, or what happened, I couldn’t stop thinking about joining the Navigators once I graduated. The Lord has used moment after moment to confirm even still, this is where I need to be. There are pages more I could write about how I got here and if you follow along, the rest will come in time, but for now, this is the backdrop of my story.

I flew to Colorado Springs four days after graduation, wanting to catch up with some people before I started my training. I hadn’t been back since before college, so seeing the Rocky Mountains again was breath-taking — quite literally, love that elevation gain! I’m not the same person I was when I started my degree, and definitely not who I was when we moved in 2015, so being an adult in the city I was born and raised in was a very unique experience. Taking myself to the park where I grew up and driving past the house I lived in for 11 years, seeing old friends and family, it felt like the epilogue to my childhood.

My Navigators experience started when I was a student on campus, but my staff experience started at a castle. The Navigators purchased Glen Eyrie, a literal mountain castle, in the 1950s and has used it as a place for conferences, events, trainings, and retreats. On May 15th, I pulled up to the Glen, my home for the next week, met about 30 soon-to-be friends, and watched a lunar eclipse rise above the red rocks of Colorado. It was a tremendous start to the week, and a week I will not soon be forgetting. In the course of seven days, we experienced tears and laughter, dancing and worship, sun, rain, snow, hail, wind (yes, snow in May!), and all sorts of late nights, early mornings, quiet moments alone and busy adventures together.

Going into the week, I thought I had a couple of very specific things to wrestle through with the Lord and I was mentally prepared to work through them -- armed, ready, excited. But as the Lord does, He saw fit to bring so many areas of my life, my heart, my dreams, my passions into the light and really go through them with a fine tooth comb. I had amazing conversations with people I had never met before, unpacking some of the tightly wound pieces of my heart and I came out of the week feeling uplifted and excited but also a little raw.

Over the next several posts, I plan to share some of the things that I learned and took away from this wonderful start to a grand new chapter of my story, but in the meantime, I have to leave us with this: The Lord desires to know you fully and to meet you in the smallest of places. Whatever you’re experiencing that feels big and overwhelming, he’s there, he’s got you. He can see from the 30,000 foot view and know all that is to come. But whatever you’re facing that seems small, insignificant, easy to brush aside, he wants to be there, too. He wants to be that quiet, still, beautifully small voice that says, “Child, do not be afraid. I’ve got you. Do not be afraid.” The God who made the mountains designed the smallest snowflake, and this is truly a gift to us.

More to come. This is just the beginning!

An Uneven Trade

Tue, 10 May 2022 16:09:26 +0200

At the beginning of the week, I left the house with a work laptop and came home with a lease. I was reminded by my family that I had swapped my ability for financial gain for rent, which feels a bit like an uneven trade.

I’ve been doing remote work before it was cool. Since the summer of 2018, I worked for a charter school in Nashville, TN as an intern in the finance department. What started as summer help turned into a flexible, part-time, remote job that I could do on campus during school. I’ve carried two laptops in my backpack for the last four years and confuse a solid number of people when I pull a second one out.

While I know that I never intend to take another finance job, I learned a lot about bank reconciliations, tax forms, and excel formulas. Working this job has given me a strong appreciation for good leadership, attention to detail, and being proactive. Some of these things I learned because I was surrounded by it, and I learned the rest of those qualities because it was lacking. I watched a lot of people come and go from my department — Kristina, Colby, LaToya, Leroy, to name a few. I became one of the longest termed employees in our department by several years. I learned a lot about what it looked like to be responsible to complete my tasks so that others could accomplish theirs. I learned a lot in regards to management and how to lead with grace but also lead with direction. But more than any of the life lessons I found within the hours of this job, I learned more from the paycheck.

We don’t often talk about money, sex, or politics in the church. We know these things impact us but it makes us uncomfortable to talk about because it opens a little window into our heart and can give an all too clear picture of things that may be divisive to those around us. In regards to money, we all need it and most of us would probably like more of it, but we can’t really talk about it because it produces a special kind of vulnerability.

When I decided to go to school and get a music degree, I felt a conviction from the Lord that I needed to go debt-free. It was daunting to think about getting into a private school and not having to take out any loans. One professor I told laughed at me and merely said, “Good luck.” Working in a finance department of a school was not something I had ever seen myself doing, but the Lord provided that as an opportunity for me to work faithfully and experience his faithfulness while also being a full-time student. Federal, state, academic, music, and achievement scholarships covered what they could and then I spent many long hours in the summer, late nights after homework, and early mornings before classes working this job. I didn’t think I’d always make it, but by golly, I was handed a diploma last week with a zero dollar balance.

   When my new boss with the Navigators told me to look into renting a house walking distance from Lipscomb, I was confused, and probably even rolled my eyes. How did he think I would be able to afford a three bedroom house in Green Hills? Dave and the Lord must have been on the same page, because after just about a month of communicating with the gals living there currently, I found two other roommates, signed a lease, and have a move-in date for August. To live in a house that is under my anticipated budget, with a backyard and a driveway to park in…it feels a bit like a dream, or there’s a fine-print catch somewhere that will come out of nowhere and keep it from happening. But the Lord is good, and he is faithful.

   I know we don’t talk about things like this often but this is something the church is going to have to get better at. I know that my situation is very different from many people and I don’t share any of this to pat myself on the back. I know there are plenty of people in the world that don’t bat an eye at a price tag and so many people who aren’t sure if there will be another paycheck. But I do think we should talk about this for two purposes: for my sake and your sake.

   This is a reminder to me that the Lord will provide for all my needs. Not all my wants, not all my material goals or desires, but for what I need. And if he puts a conviction on my heart, he is faithful to provide in that. He doesn’t just abandon us to our own devices or cause us to be slaves to a corrupt system of metal and paper. God is our good provider and I need this reminder to both be humble and also to rejoice. I need to be reminded to look at what he has done. I do not need to fear what lies ahead because the God of the past is the God of the future and he is a good God in the present.

And this is for your sake then, too. He sees you. Whatever you’re walking through that seems impossible, whether good or bad, He will not forget you. He is a good God who will meet all your needs. Not all your wants, not every material goal or desire. You may feel that you have plenty but would like a little more cushion or you may feel the desperation of not having nearly enough for the things you need. Trusting in Christ is one of the most costly things we can ever do but in reality, he is our greatest reward. It may feel like an uneven trade, but we’re really the ones gaining. God doesn’t need us, but we definitely need him.

So at the beginning of the week, I left the house with a work laptop and came home with a lease. I left knowing that God had been providing for me, is currently providing, and will continue to do so. I don't know what all he has in store for me, but I trust that he is good. May this be a testimony of his faithfulness to you today! I for sure need to remember.

The New Chapter

Wed, 04 May 2022 19:36:21 +0200

I graduate on Saturday.

Three days from now, I will be handed a piece of paper with my name on it that symbolizes the hours, dollars, and effort I have put in over the last four years. It’s crazy to be on the brink of a new story, a new beginning. Everyone I have talked to seems to ask, “Hasn’t it flown by? Doesn’t it feel like only yesterday?”

And to a certain extent, yes, it’s been a quick four years. So much growth has happened over the course of this degree that it amazes me how much could change so quickly. An exponential amount of change has occurred in my life, heart, mind, body, and soul, and I am better for it. I have loved, learned, grown, led, and danced in the rain. I have made beautiful, life-long friendships and had so many giggle attacks with good and dear people. I am better for it — these last few years — and I know that what I have learned would never have been felt as deeply without being in this place.

And yet because of the growing pains, the last four years have been long. A overflow of sickness, masks, late nights, floods of tears, heartbreak, insecurity, crippling self-doubt. I have loved, lost, despaired, and been wrecked by the brokenness of the world. I have had so many friendships turn into acquaintanceships and at times, enemies, good people destroyed by sickness of the body and mind, and I struggled to learn that my value is not determined by the people around me. And still I am better for it. What I have learned would never have been felt as deeply without being in this place.

I began with a piano performance degree at Lipscomb University in 2018, started dating a boy that fall, and dreamt of what life would look like as a piano teacher when I graduated. Covid wrecked the end of my sophomore year and in my junior year I learned how to adjust to the pain of not getting to see the smiles of my friends and family and wrestled with who I was in the face of everyone’s expectations of me. And now, as I wrap up my senior year, I’m finishing school with a music degree from Lipscomb University in 2022, single, and a week away from starting a job in campus ministry.

I’m not doing what I thought I would be when I started. I’m not who I thought I would be. I’m not where I thought, what I thought, or any of the expectations I had for myself. But I’m doing what I have been called to do. I am becoming who I was meant to be. I am trying to be obedient to Christ, his Word, and the Gospel. And with that desire, I arm myself, prepare myself, and humble myself as I step into the next chapter.

The picture on the left is my first day of school in August 2018. The right, my last day, May 2022. Some things remain the same — my unchanging wardrobe, my likes, my interests. But so much is different, underneath the surface. And it’s there, truly, that the work really matters.

I graduate on Saturday.

Three days from now, I will be handed a piece of paper with my name on it that symbolizes the redemption, grace, and love I have received over the last four years. It’s crazy to be on the brink of a new story, a new beginning. I guess I can’t wait to get started.