I’ve been giving some thought to the Proverbs 31 woman. The one who never sleeps, buys fields, wears purple, and provides sashes to merchants. I can’t decide whether to be inspired by her or to be a little bit mad at her. Both, I guess…

Ah, the Proverbs 31 woman. She’s the one we’ve all been taught to aspire to be. But as I consider all the days that my trading isn’t profitable and see that I’ve failed again this week to sew fine linen garments, I am left to wonder: Am I still worth far more than rubies?

Perhaps we should consider this truth: Proverbs 31:10-31 was actually a mother’s wise advice to her son (Lemuel), encouraging him choose carefully when he decides who to marry. Hmm. How about we commend our husbands for doing just that – and henceforth take the pressure off of ourselves to select some literal wool and flax.

To be fair, I do love looking at the lives of women I’ve known in real life who truly are or have been remarkable. Their families do arise and call them blessed. That’s what I want in my life too. You, too, probably. But we don’t have to be perfect to achieve this. I think we just need to love well. To do the best we can, with the Holy Spirit as our guide. To give our lives fully to Jesus.

The REAL Proverbs 31 Woman

In a moment of silliness or – and not to sound dramatic or whatever – perhaps in my time of need as I sought therapeutic healing from decades of believing that godly womanhood is measured only by achieving perfection, I decided to re-write the twenty-one verses of this passage.

At this time, please hand your family peanut butter and jelly sandwiches made on store-bought bread. Then sit back and read this. May it be a breath of fresh air and a ray of hope as we look at our lives and see that we are actually quite remarkable women, you and me.

Proverbs 31:10-31 From NIV (New International Version) to LVV (Laura’s Vulnerable Version)

¹⁰A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

Wait! I just found her. She is you! She is me! We are amazing! Rubies look good, but you and me? We look good WHILE we flip pancakes.

¹¹Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

Her husband sees the mess in the house but doesn’t ask “what have you been doing all day?” because by golly he knows better. She wears her favorite sweatpants – the ones with the stretched out elastic – because they are the most ~~valuable~~ comfortable. Her husband thinks she looks cute in her sweatpants.

¹²She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

She knows he is allergic to chocolate, so she makes snickerdoodles. She hides in the pantry to eat her hidden stash of chocolate because even if he can’t eat it, she can, and she’s a better wife and mom when she does.

¹³She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

She chooses clothes for her kids, knowing that wool is itchy and makes the kids whine, so she always looks for cotton shirts with no tags. She throws another load of laundry into the washer with eager hands because the contents of the dirty clothes basket smells like feet. She loses socks in the dryer. Some of them might have been made with a percentage of wool that she selected when she found a packages of socks on clearance.

¹⁴She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

She’s discovered the nearest Costco. Rotisserie chickens are five bucks there and she makes an entire meal around one bird. Sometimes she saves the bones to make broth but not always because she knows that her time is precious and she doesn’t always have time to chop onions and carrots in an effort to extract the gelatin from chicken bones for optimum nutrition.

¹⁵She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.

Daylight savings time has messed with everyone’s sleep schedule, so she scrambles eggs for breakfast while everyone asks her why it is still very dark. She is teaching ~~her top notch male and female servants~~ her kids to load the dishwasher.

¹⁶She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She found a really good sale on a package of Mrs. Fields cookies. She considers…and buys it. Because they were discounted, she has money left over to buy grapes. They came from a vineyard somewhere. Probably California.

¹⁷She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

She decides to clean out the junk drawer! She sets about this work with vigor. Her arms are strong until they get tired from scrubbing the goo off the inside of the drawer. She’s had to start the task over three times because her toddler wants to “help.” She finally gives up and throws everything back in, but she feels good because from the drawer she has eliminated three broken birthday candles and the small tires that fell off a Hot Wheel two years ago.

¹⁸She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

She trades alone time to intentionally smile and nod when her kid goes into extra long detail about a dream they had last night. At bedtime, she falls asleep with the lamp on. Girl is tired.

¹⁹In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She asks Siri what a distaff is. She learns that this goes with the wool and flax that apparently she’s supposed to be spinning into something useful while she grasps the spindle with her fingers. She decides to finally sew the missing button onto a jacket and wonders why it took her so long to get around to that five-minute task. She looks again at the definition of distaff and learns that distaff also refers to the maternal side of the family. She is, in fact, the maternal side of her family. Indeed, simply because of her female status, she holds the distaff. Easiest thing she’s done all day.

²⁰She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

Her kids bring home friends and she feeds them all the cheese and crackers and then cuts up an entire bag...

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