Navigating the Lines Between Compassion and Codependency

Emil Moore serves as the Executive Director and Pastor of the Troy Dream Center in Troy, Missouri, where he and his team help men and women find freedom from addiction. The Troy Dream Center is the first and only faith-based recovery center in Lincoln County and for over 50 miles. This article is based on Emil’s presentation on the topic of “Helping the Hurting Without Enabling” during the 2025 Addiction & The Church session where he offered practical guidance on navigating the line between compassion and codependency.

As church leaders, we’re called to serve the hurting and broken in our communities. But when it comes to helping those struggling with addiction and life-controlling issues, many of us find ourselves in uncomfortable territory. How do we show Christ’s love without enabling destructive behavior? How do we maintain healthy boundaries while keeping our doors open?

These questions become even more urgent when we recognize that addiction is often a life-or-death battle. The stakes couldn’t be higher, yet many churches struggle to find the balance between compassion and wisdom in their ministry approach.

The Question That Changes Everything

In John 5, Jesus encounters a man who had been lying helpless for 38 years. Knowing everything about this man’s condition, Jesus asks what seems like an obvious question: “Do you want to get well?”

This question is foundational to helping anyone struggling with addiction or life-controlling issues. It’s compassion-driven, showing that you care about their wellbeing and genuinely want to help. But it also does something else—it places responsibility where it belongs.

Jesus didn’t ask why the man was lying there or assume he was ready for change. He asked a direct question that required an honest answer. As church leaders, we need to follow this model. We must ask questions and have a plan, but we also need to be prepared for an uncomfortable truth: some people don’t want help.

This sounds harsh, but it’s critical to understand. You cannot want to help someone more than they want to help themselves. If they’re not willing to receive help, there’s not much you can do. Change is scary—it disrupts everything familiar, even when that familiarity is painful. We must be sensitive to this reality while also recognizing that we can’t force transformation.

Understanding Codependency: The Silent Killer

When we struggle to accept someone’s rejection of help, we may be dealing with codependency. This is what many call the “silent killer” in ministry contexts. Codependency looks like love at its core, but it can cause tremendous harm.

Codependency is the relentless behavior that causes us to lose ourselves in obsessing over another person, their actions, or their life. It works hard to control, change, or eliminate something far beyond our control. It means unhealthily focusing on others’ needs to feel acceptance and safety while neglecting our own needs and boundaries in an attempt to fix or save them.

The difference between compassion and codependency is crucial:

Compassion is caring deeply about others’ suffering and wanting to help while respecting their independence and your own limits.

Codependency is unhealthily focusing on others’ needs to feel acceptance and safety while neglecting your own needs and boundaries to fix or save them.

Here’s the relief we all need to hear: It’s not our job to fix anyone, and we can’t do it anyway. We can guide and suggest, but we’re not the fixer—Jesus is the fixer.

The Parable of the Sower and Your Ministry Field

The parable of the sower in Matthew 13 provides a helpful framework for understanding our role. The farmer went out and scattered seed across different types of soil. Some fell on the path and was eaten by birds. Some fell on shallow soil and withered quickly. Some fell among thorns and was choked out. But some fell on fertile soil and produced an abundant crop.

What was the farmer doing? Simply sowing seed. He didn’t control where it landed or how it grew. He did his part and trusted the process.

Your church has a ministry field. You have people who come to you or whom you seek to reach. It would be wonderful if everyone you reached fell on fertile soil, but that’s not reality. Your job is simply to sow the seed. You can’t control the outcome, but you can be faithful in your part.

The YES Plan: A Practical Framework

At the Troy Dream Center—the first and only faith-based recovery home in Lincoln County, Missouri—we’ve developed what we call the YES Plan. This plan allows us to respond to people with yes while refusing to participate in their death, dysfunction, or defeat, and while supporting our own health, wellness, and healing.

We’re saying yes to hopeful, helpful, and healthy choices. This ensures we don’t confuse compassion with codependency.

1. Set Boundaries

Boundaries are tough love, and they’re emotionally difficult to establish and maintain. But let’s be clear: tough love is not abandoning, rejecting, shunning, or demeaning anyone. It’s about creating boundaries that help.

Yes, boundaries are painful to enforce. But without boundaries, we get completely out of bounds. Your yes is saying no to their death, dysfunction, and defeat. For them, it’s saying yes to life and real love.

The journey to wellness is never free from pain, emotion, or hard decisions, but it is absolutely possible. Boundaries may not be easy or fun, but they’re guard rails that keep everyone in a safe place.

2. Have a Plan

Unfortunately, relapse happens, and we need to be prepared. You can’t stop anyone from making their own decisions—read that again. You cannot stop anyone from making their own decisions.

This means you need a plan before something emotional happens. Here’s what that looks like:

Call three residential treatment facilities and learn their intake process so when someone says “yes, I’m ready,” you can take them there immediately.
Research transitional living options because sometimes someone doesn’t need full residential treatment but does need structured support.
Identify three outpatient facilities and understand their intake requirements.

Why do this legwork ahead of time? Because we all get emotionally charged when we encounter someone in crisis. When emotions run high, we’re not thinking clearly. Having a plan in your pocket means you’re ready when they’re ready.

3. Establish Homecoming Requirements

When someone completes treatment and wants to return home or you’re advising them on staying well, establish clear expectations:

Christ-centered commitment to recovery: A church home, Bible study, or other faith-based support
Recovery meetings: Celebrate Recovery, Recovery Alive, AA, NA, or other support groups
Physical fitness: Gym membership, cardio, lifting—something to channel energy productively
Financial stability: Employment is non-negotiable
Physical wellness: Managing doctor’s appointments, counseling, dental care
Benefits: Helping them access food stamps, SNAP benefits, or Medicaid if needed
Personal accountability: No more covering up for their lifestyle, behaviors, or choices

The key here is empowerment, not enabling. You can do the legwork and present options, but they must take ownership of their recovery. This is their life, their recovery, and they need to choose it.

When the Offer Is Rejected

Acts 3:6 tells us that Peter said to the lame beggar, “Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.”

Peter and John had a plan. They knew what they could do to help, and they offered it without emotional hijacking. This is our model: Ask the question, offer the plan, and accept the response.

Sometimes that response is rejection. I experienced this painfully with a young man in our program who left without notice. When I found him and offered to help, he initially agreed. But as we drove away, he changed his mind. He got out of my car, sat in his own vehicle, and through tears, waved me away.

My heart broke. Every instinct wanted to force him to accept help. But I couldn’t. The boundary was set, the offer was extended, and the offer was rejected.

Here’s what you must remember: If they reject your offer, the Lord is still with them. He’s the fixer. He’s the answer to everything. That young man had encountered Christ, and who am I to think I can outdo what Christ can do?

Moving Forward in Ministry

To help the hurting without enabling, remember two essential things:

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Navigating the Lines Between Compassion and Codependency

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