Sure, it’s not April anymore, but who has any good sense of time anymore? Parents are ussually late anyways, and especially time-challenged these days.

Good parents raise good children but GREAT parents tweet about all of the not-so-great things that happen when they’re raising their children…or something like that. Raising kids isn’t an easy job but someone has to do it, which is why HowToBeADad puts together a monthlyish Twitter roundup about the pains and occasional joy of parenthood.

So take a look below for some of the funniest parent tweets we’ve found this month!

And there you have it! A somewhat comprehensive (but not really) list of the funniest parenting-related tweets this month. Looking for more? Follow HowToBeADad on Twitter!
 

Nursery rhymes. The name itself seems to recall a simpler and more innocent time. Maybe you remember chanting a nursery rhyme on the playground with your friends as a kid. Then again, maybe, you don’t. The odds are you didn’t grow up in the 1800s and spend your time singing and dancing with a bunch of chimney sweeps (many of whom developed cancer of the ball sack because of the work they performed).

Even if you don’t happen to be a chimney sweep the chances are that you probably know a few nursery rhymes. You may not, however, know just what they were about. It turns out that a lot of nursery rhymes aren’t exactly kid-friendly and some aren’t even that adult-friendly either. So let’s go find out what’s happening to London Bridge and Ring Around the Rosie and a few of these other old-timey earworms… if you dare.
 

London Bridge Is Falling Down
 

The real question here is “why is London Bridge falling down?” in the nursery rhyme. It could be due to regular old wear and tear or even a Viking attack that took down the bridge in the early 1000’s.

The most disturbing theory holds that London bridge was falling down because the builders didn’t appease the Gods with a sacrifice. According to legend, it wasn’t uncommon to bury children… errrr candy… in a bridge’s foundations to keep it upright. Case solved. London Bridge was falling down because the workers didn’t bury candy… alive… in its foundations.

Mary Mary Quite Contrary
 

At first, this nursery rhyme sounds like a bit of gardening advice.

Person: Hey Mary? How does your garden grow?
Mary: With silver bells and cockleshells….and pretty maids all in a row.

Wait what? What are maids doing in a garden? Why are they in a row? Spoiler alert. This isn’t a garden at all. It’s a graveyard and the Mary in the nursery rhyme is Queen Mary I, who was known as Bloody Mary.

Was she called Bloody Mary because she liked her steaks really rare? Maybe. More likely, however, she got her nickname for executing hundreds of her subjects for choosing a Catholicism-free brand of religion. It turns out that those silver bells and cockleshells aren’t all that innocent either. Instead of being pretty little trinkets to plop into a garden bed, they were actually instruments of torture.

Three Blind Mice
 

It’s safe to say that if you’re nicknamed Bloody Mary you’re going to get some bad press, and Mary must have really pissed off ye olde nursery rhyme makers back in the day.

The three blind mice in this rhyme are actually a group of Protestant bishops who attempted to overthrow the Queen and were burned at the stake as a reward. The most likely reason the mice are blind is probably a reference to how “blind” they were in thinking that they could try to overthrow someone called Bloody Mary and live. After all, it’s not like she was called “Have a Fruit Basket Mary.”

Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush
 

What’s so bad about walking around a bit of shrubbery? But also, what’s so great about it. Sure, people in the mid-1800s didn’t have the internet or fidget spinners, but this seems excessively mundane.

Then again maybe you’re forced to walk around the mulberry bush for exercise like the female prison inmates in this nursery rhyme. This was typically done by the light of the moon. Such fun.

Ring Around the Rosie
 

A common theory about this little ditty is that it refers back to the bubonic plague that ravaged London. One common feature of the cheerily-named Black Plague was a ringed rash or “rosie” that could erupt in buboes. What’s a bubo? Imagine a giant lump of flesh that finally bursts into a weeping sore. Then again don’t. Too late? Sorry.

In addition to being painful, buboes didn’t smell all that great which is why posies or other flowers were used to mask their scent and to ward off infectious “vapors.”

Whether or not they worked as an old-timey deodorant, posies weren’t that effective as an air sanitizer for the dreaded disease, which ultimately struck down as much as 30% of Europe. “Ashes ashes, we all fall down” comes either from the cremation of millions of diseased cadavers or it’s a reference to “ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”

Unfortunately, some buzzkill historian has come up with a more likely interpretation of this nursery rhyme and claims that it’s really about a religious ban on dancing. So apparently instead of singing about a dreaded disease, kids who chant “ring around the rosie” are really protesting a ban on dancing like the movie “Footloose,” but way more OG.

Humpty Dumpty
 

Some people think that the Humpty was just an average town drunk. After all what’s more appropriate than small child chanting a rhyme about a drunk who falls off of a wall and then breaks his skull?

Another theory holds that Humpty is actually King Richard III. The “Humpty” part refers to the belief that Richard had a humpback, though it was actually scoliosis. The King did not, however, inspire the early-90s hip hop sensation “The Humpty Dance” by Digital Underground.

The great fall that Humpty took was really a tumble that Richard took off of his horse which was, unfortunately for the king, during a battle. After finding himself on the ground, Richard was quickly chopped to bits by his enemies, and all the kings’ men couldn’t put him back together again.

Whether it’s about a town drunk or a humpbacked king there’s no interpretation of this nursery rhyme that feels all that child-friendly.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
 

Georgie Porgie is thought to be George Villiers (1592–1628), a man with a big appetite for pudding and pie…and sex. According to history, George was stunningly attractive and used his good looks to hump his way through a large part of England.

In addition to being the rumored lover of King James I, George also “had relations” with a lot of women as well. Unfortunately for Georgie many of those women were married and their husbands weren’t all that excited about them being “Porgied” which is probably why he ran away when the boys came out to “play.”

—

Let’s take a look at what a nursery rhyme might look like today:

So yeah. That was a nursery rhyme about Jeffrey Dahmer.

Now that you know the secret history of these olden tunes, a little piece of your childhood is probably dead, or buried alive in a bridge. Sorry about that but, on a lighter note, Cardi B singing about WAP doesn’t seem all that bad now, does it?
 

 
Congratulations! You’re having a baby! Actually, to be technical about it, your wife is having a baby. Other than going to prenatal classes, late-night emergency food craving grocery runs, and letting her crush your hand into a box of broken crayons during labor, comparatively, you’re just along for the ride. That doesn’t mean you can’t be supportive in other ways.

One of the hallmark times a would-be father can share in the miracle of life is during the first sonogram, so it’s important to really show up strong. Below are a few helpful tips to make the most out of the experience for your wife, your unborn child, and you.

Keep it Light
 

Your soon-to-be-baby’s first sonogram is typically a wonderful experience that you’ll cherish for the rest of your life. As magical as the event can be, however, it’s often filled with anxiety.

This is the first time you’ll be hearing your child’s heartbeat and, until that happens, the mood can be a little tense. Best to lighten things up with a little humor. Try an icebreaker like “I didn’t think it was going to be that kind of a get-together” when the tech rubs lube over your wife’s belly, or if you can see the baby, “looks we’re having a xerox copy of a root vegetable!”

You can even get physical and make a balloon sculpture of the fetus! See what happens when you fart on the sonogram wand, it’s bound to be entertaining!

The jokes you make are sure to be appreciated by all in attendance. And if not, grab the transducer probe (the “wand”), tap it like a standup comedian and ask,”Is this thing on?”

Be Useful
 

Everyone could use a little help from time to time, and doctors and sonogram techs are no different. Sure, you could sit back and simply observe this special moment, but fatherhood isn’t a spectator sport. Good dads are DOERS! So get in there, champ!

You can try giving the sonogram technician a shoulder rub to help loosen them up for the task. Gently dab their forehead and whisper soft words of encouragement in their ear while they try to locate and listen for your soon-to-be bundle of joy.

Feel free to fiddle with the dials and knobs on the ultrasound machine so they’re operating at peak performance. Check the outlets and wires to make sure they’re organized to your satisfaction, get to work if they are not.

If your instrument and wiring adjustments have slowed the process down, a motivating comment like “are you sure you’re using that thing right?” or “think you could break the world record for fastest sonogram, eh eh?” might do wonders for speeding the process along.

Provide Helpful Instructions
 

The eager anticipation can make waiting to see your baby for the first time seem like an eternity in slow-mo, on sleeping pills.

Searching the dark, murky depths of the womb can be difficult. You can ask to hold the sonogram wand to demonstrate potential improvements in their angle and motions. Or simply ask to have a go at it yourself!

You can also suggest a search pattern like a good game of Battleship, to zero in on your little fetal submarine. Draw a grid on her bulging bump (use a sharpie so the belly lube doesn’t smear it). Then shout your commands, “Scan sector B-5!”

If that fails and your baby still remains undiscovered, or you’re asked to leave the room, let her know that it’s probably not because she’s going to be a bad parent. You could also maybe mention that at the 6-8 week mark the baby is so tiny it’d likely lose a fight with a tadpole.

Get Involved!
  

This is your time to show your deep investment as a father! She’s bound to appreciate all of your active interest in the process.

Once you’ve got a visual on the elusive jelly bean, you can contribute to the process by bringing a tape measure to double-check the measurements the tech is taking down. Bring your own clipboard, medical professionals will love that.

When they whip out the doppler and you hear your love nugget’s heartbeat, start beatboxing some wicked dubstep along with the fast, surging techno “whoosh whooshing” sound. Bring some glowsticks to add to the good time.

Be curious and ask questions like, “Is that heart rate normal? Just checking because it seems really fast,” or, “How long before we can see what kind of junk it has?”

You can really join in the jamboree by taking off your shirt and asking to be sonogrammed yourself to see how that burrito you had for breakfast is doing. Heck! Give the technician and turn and compare food babies!

–

Your wife’s first sonogram can be fraught with emotional peaks and valleys, but never fear! With the right attitude and these helpful tips you’ll give your wife an experience she will remember and remind you of for the rest of your life.

Good parents raise good children but GREAT parents tweet about all of the not-so-great things that happen when they’re raising their children…or something like that. Raising kids isn’t an easy job but someone has to do it which is why HTBAD puts together a monthlyish Twitter roundup about the pains and occasional joy of parenthood.

So take a look below for some of the funniest parent tweets we’ve found this month!
 

And there you have it! A somewhat comprehensive (but not really) list of the funniest parenting related tweets this month. Looking for more? Follow How To Be A Dad on Twitter!

There are bad birthday presents and then there are BAD birthday presents. And then there are the birthday presents that leave you scratching your head and wondering “what in the hell were they thinking?” The answer? They probably weren’t. However they came to be, these toys are out there lurking in darkest corners of the internet just waiting to destroy some poor child’s emotional stability and, perhaps, the very fabric of society itself. So please avoid these legendarily awful presents when planning your kid’s next birthday party…unless of course you really, really, really don’t like your child.

Fugglers – The Toys with Fake Human Teeth!

Starting off at the top of the list are Fugglers, the plush toys with teeth. Some things are meant to be together. Chocolate and peanut butter are a great combination. Kale and a garbage can pair nicely. Plush toys and teeth do not go well together unless, of course, you’re the kind of parent who wants to keep your kid in a constant and trembling state of anxiety for hours at a time. Concerned that Fugglers aren’t creepy enough? Worry no more! In addition to a full (and sometimes more than full) set of fake human teeth, some Fugglers have buttons for eyes. After all, nothing is more off-putting than a doll with buttons for eyes unless, of course, it’s a doll with teeth AND very realistic looking glass eyes. Every Fuggler comes with a complimentary visit from a priest schooled in the art of exorcism… at least it should.
 

You Can Shave the Baby – The Doll You Can Shave?

How many times have you looked at a doll and thought “Damn I’ll bet that infant could use a shave?” Never? Then you’re in good company…unless you’re the company that came up with very descriptive but less than catchy name for the next product on our list. Meet “You Can Shave the Baby” the doll you can…well…presumably shave if you wanted to. With its lush orange mane and thickets of ankle hair you might actually want to shave the baby but you can’t. The doll was originally created by the artist Zbigniew Libera as a “piercingly subversive play with stereotypes of contemporary culture” so unless you’ve got a hankering for unusual art and a pocketful of disposable income this toy is off the market. For a cheaper alternative consider picking up some hair trimmings at your local salon and supergluing them to a doll of your choice. Or not.
 

Erwin the Little Patient – The Plush Toy for the Curious Young Sociopath

Introducing Erwin the Little Patient, the plush toy with a chest cavity you can unzip like a suitcase! Erwin’s innards are filled with stuffed versions of all of your favorite internal organs including a heart, two lungs, a liver, a stomach, and much, much more! There’s even a full set of kidneys! Every organ is carefully constructed from plush fabric so your little sociopath in training doesn’t hurt his tiny wittle finners on a sharp edge or use the toy to bludgeon the family pet. When asked by their parole officers which toy they loved the most three out of four of Hannibal Lector’s kids agreed that it was Erwin the Little Patient!
 

Pole Dancer – The Little Stripper that Could

There are many different qualities parents look for in toys for their kids.

Music? Good.

Style? OK.

Flash? Errrrrr what?

These are all words used to describe the Pole Dance doll. In addition to music, style and whatever “flash” might be the tiny pole dancer also comes with a miniature stage and a disco ball and her parents’ dissappointment. The only things missing are a bouncer and a cover fee! Buy just one or collect the whole set for the young entrepreneur looking to manage a crew to dance the night away.
 

Baby’s First Baby – The Biological Wonder

Some people have an idea and ask “why?” Other people have an idea and ask “why not?” And then there are the people who didn’t question much of anything and sprang Baby’s First Baby upon an unsuspecting public. Baby’s First Baby is…well pretty self explanatory and appears to be specifically designed to confuse the hell out of inquisitive young minds. Is your little tyke curious about where baby’s come from? Instead of having an awkward conversation just give them Baby’s First Baby and let them try to figure it out (spoiler alert if they figure it out then please have them contact us because we’d really like to know too). And just in case Baby’s First Baby wasn’t enough of a head scratcher, Baby’s First Baby ALSO HAS A BABY. It’s like a biologically impossible set of Russian nesting dolls but only slightly less off putting.

The Thing with No Name and Teeth in Its Butthole

The words “gaping butthole with teeth” aren’t often used to describe a toy because THEY SHOULD NEVER EVER BE USED TO DESCRIBE A CHILD’S TOY!!! As such this toy which will be referred to as “The Thing with No Name and Teeth in Its Butthole” which, it turns out, is not exactly meant to be a child’s toy. Instead it’s a creation from the troubled mind of Joshua Ben Longo and developed as an artistic statement about…well something. Some time ago Longo wondered, as many of us have, “what would plush animals would look like with teeth…in their buttholes?” because art is in the anus of the beholder. Unfortunately Longo went a step further than just noodling about the idea and began creating them because, apparently, children these days need another reason to go into therapy. Yikes.

And there you have it. The top six toys that make you go “huh?” Thanks so much for joining us today and please be sure to grab a handful of mind bleach on the way out.
 

Something strange happens to the English language when men get married. Like a cute little caterpillar that slowly turns into Mothra, the language you’ve understood for most of your life can take on a different, and often confusing, meaning.

Suddenly a misused word or phrase can have horrible consequences and the next thing you know you’re sleeping on your sister’s couch in Terra Haute, and not the nice part of Terra Haute, or even the good couch. More often than not, your new living arrangements were caused by a few simple verbal misunderstandings. So let’s unlock the language of marriage and translate it into something that everyone can easily understand.
 

Pronoun Problems

Beware the pronoun and its ability to cause problems in even the best of marriages. Typically pronoun problems involve the incorrect use of the word “we” instead of the word “you”. So be sure to use the right pronoun. Your marriage might just depend on it.

What she says: We really need to wash the dog.

What she means: You really need to wash the dog.

What men hear: At some point one of us should really wash the dog.

The Question That Isn’t

The Question That Isn’t often appears to be an actual question which can be the cause of most of the confusion. Upon closer inspection, however, the question being asked is really more of a polite suggestion. You can easily identify these non-questions as they usually start with the phrase “Do you think.” which of course most of us haven’t. If we’d have taken the time to think about it we’d probably already be doing what our spouse was “asking” about in the first place.

What she says: Do you think you’ll be warm enough outside with just a t-shirt?

What she means: Maybe you should put on something warmer like a coat over your t-shirt.

What men hear: That’s an ugly t-shirt. I’ve never liked it and I wish you’d put something over it.

The Call for Help

Whether it’s a call to a plumber to unclog a toilet or to a wildlife rescue service to get a badger out of the closet men view the Call For Help as a judgement on their handiness and overall masculinity. Often however it’s just a call to take care of an unpleasant task and not necessarily an unspoken statement about his ability to…ummm…perform.

What she says: I’m calling someone to fix the toilet.

What she means: I’m calling someone to fix the toilet.

What men hear: You’re incompetent and I’m leaving you for a plumber.

The Observation

The Observation is the flip side of The Question that Isn’t but with similar and devastating effects. The Observation is really meant to be a question but, instead, is usually understood to be a really dull way to start a conversation.

What she says: The grass is getting pretty tall.

What she means: You need to mow the grass before we lose one of the kids in the lawn.

What men hear: The grass is pretty tall.   

The “Not Fine”

“I’m fine” is typically used to answer a question about how a person is doing but requires some careful attention. Was it followed with more words to indicate how really “fine” the person was or simply dropped like a dead rat in response to the question? If it’s just the two words followed by a cold and complete silence then trouble is on the horizon.

What she says: I’m fine.

What she means: I’m super pissed off because you forgot our anniversary.

What men hear: I’m super pissed off at you for not fixing the toilet.

The Trap

In case you missed the heading of this section THIS IS A TRAP. There is no hard and fast correct answer to The Trap because it requires some thoughtful consideration. Best to strap on a parachute and jump out of the nearest window.

What she says: How does this look?

What she means: Let me know how this outfit really looks and don’t just say “you look great.”

What men hear: Tell me I look fantastic in this outfit even if I’m wearing a Chewbacca suit.

Communication is the key to any successful relationship. With just a little forethought and some patience, these pitfalls can be avoided and, instead of heading to Splitsville, the two of you might be headed to Poundtown in no time. Or at least remain in the same zip code.

Welp. It’s all fun and games until that hair-raising shrill background music starts playing. Justin Bryant created these horror film reimaginings for us to laugh and cringe at. Maybe don’t show these to your young kids, though. Chutes and Ladders may never be the same again.

(Affiliate links have been added to all the games for your convenience and so HowToBeADad can make a buck or two. Gotta make that coin, yo.)
 

1) Hungry Hippos

Everything is quiet, a hush of anticipation seems to weigh thick in the air. Then, suddenly, all hell breaks loose as the violent feeding frenzy begins. And that’s just the game, not the movie. The clattering roar sounds like someone threw a bag of ball bearing into a dryer’s spin cycle. Good times!

Shop Hungry Hippos on Amazon

2) Operation

The idea of surgery is scary by itself, but imagine a movie where unqualified and unlicensed contestants compete to try to perform several operations on a conscious person, using an electrified pair of tweezers. Seems pretty durned horror-movie worthy.

Shop Operation on Amazon

3) Chutes and Ladders

This game does a subtle job of preparing kids for the brutal ups and downs in life. However, this film poster ironically says “Choose wisely” as if there were any choice about plummeting down the chutes we often encounter in life.

Shop Chutes and Ladders on Amazon

4) Don’t Wake Daddy

This game is great for people who like the fun and excitement of Russian Roulette without the risk of death. You move on the board and take turns pressing the button to see if dear ol’ sleeping dad jump-scarily sits bolt upright. The cinematic terror of a sleep-deprived abusive father is easy to imagine.

Shop Don’t Wake Daddy on Amazon

5) Candyland

The game Candyland always seemed so bright and cheery. Even when you’re losing you’re surrounded by lollipops and ice cream. But this reimagining looks like Tim Burton was hired to remake Willy Wonka but read The Lord of the Rings on acid during the entire production.

Shop Candyland on Amazon

6) Don’t Break the Ice

The horrifying anticipation of plunging into the freezing death of the deep dark sea will have you on the edge of your seat, but it really needs a giant monster to really round things out in Hollywood.

Shop Don’t Break the Ice on Amazon

7) Uno

It’s not hard to imagine a connection between a game of Uno and demonic murder. When someone drops a +4 on you when you’re holding your last card, blood can boil a bit and the screeching howls can be deafening.

Shop Uno on Amazon

8) Mouse Trap

Like a film in the Saw series, as players, you’re basically assembling the game as if you were constructing a complex, Rube-Goldbergian prison grave for your friends or yourself. Thrilling!

Shop Mousetrap on Amazon

9) Guess Who

The process of elimination gets very dark when the elimination is literal and it involves a swan dive into a meat grinder as the penalty for an incorrect guess.

Shop Guess Who on Amazon

What’s better (or worse) than one dad joke?
A THOUSAND DAD JOKES!!!

The Dad Joke Hall of Shame book has been created to irritate your friends, amuse your coworkers and possibly even drive your spouse mad with desire. Then again maybe not so much that last part. All for only $12.99!

Despite the name, dad jokes are for everyone; young or old, male or female. You don’t even need to have kids to enjoy the Dad Joke Hall of Shame, just an appreciation of the unique genre of dad jokes and a desire to inflict one-line groaners upon an unsuspecting audience.

The book is chock full of the dadliest dad jokes available and covers several topics. Including fashion:

…and diet…

…even culture!

Nine out of ten unaccredited doctors agree that laughter is the best medicine. By purchasing this book you’ll not only be giving yourself and loved ones a chuckle, you’ll be contributing to the health and wellness of society itself.

For only $12.99, that makes it just over a penny per joke! Such a deal!

So be a hero and pre-order Dad Joke Hall of Shame book right now! Your family and friends might even thank you. Or sigh and roll their eyes.

Back in the good old days a parent could shove a pork chop or two in their kids’ winter coat pockets, send them out to play with the local wildlife until suppertime and no one batted an eye. Unfortunately, times have changed and those days have gone the way of lawn jarts and child-sized chainsaws.

Whether you’re a work-at-home parent or a stay-at-homer, it’s tough to keep your kids from dying rather loudly from boredom. But! With just a little imagination and even less effort, you can keep your kids occupied for hours at a time! So what are you waiting for? The only time you’ll waste will be your kids’.
 

Escape!!!

From the time they escape from the womb, all kids are like little Houdinis. First, they’re escaping from their diapers and cribs and the next thing you know they’re unbuckling their seatbelts and trying to get out of a moving car. Instead of hampering your little escape artists, give them something they’re supposed to get out of… like an escape room!

Over the course of an afternoon (or two), your kids will enjoy puzzling over vaguely worded clues as they sleuth their way to freedom. Is the key in the floorboards? An AC vent? Maybe it’s behind the drywall! Maybe the key was within themselves all along. Who knows? After spending hours arguing engaging in a spirited debate about how to find their freedom, they won’t care once they’re out, at which point you’ll have escaped to a different part of the house.

The Quiet Olympics

The Summer and Winter Olympics only happen every four years but the Quiet Olympics can happen whenever you want! Have your kids test the limits of their patience in the Hide and Stay Hidden event. Engage their sleep-anywhere nature in a Long Duration Napping competition. Put your children’s all-around silenceability on display at the Silentcathalon. Whether your kids win the Gold chocolate coin of excellence or the shameful sock full of copper pennies, you’ll become a Champion of peace and quiet.

Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em

Looking for an educational and fun way to keep your kids busy for hours while introducing them to a financially rewarding career? Look no further than the exciting world of high-stakes poker! In addition to learning about risk versus reward, this classic game also introduces your youngsters to important real-world scenarios like crushing debt and overwhelming interest payments. So whether it’s No-Limit Texas Holdem or Five Card Stud —heck, you can even bet on Go Fish—your kids can gamble away the day, their allowance, and maybe even all of their toys in hours of self-guided fun!

Writing Complaints

Kids have an inexhaustible capacity for whining and complaining, so why not put it to good use? Turn their ability to kvetch and snark about everything on God’s green earth to your advantage and have them write their gripes down in the form of a letter!

Are your kids mad at Common Core? Their teacher would love to receive a letter on the subject. Is your little tyke angry because peppermints are so “spicy”? A large candy manufacturer would be happy to provide an apologetic reply to your kid’s passionate letter…maybe. In addition to doing wonders for their writing skills, having your kids crank out a series of gripes will keep them from complaining to you for hours on end!

Trick Shot Champion

It’s hard not to be just a little concerned as you watch your kid blow an hour or two or even five mindlessly flicking away at a fidget spinner. Kids can be easily entertained by some of the most mundane tasks…as long as they’re not useful things like putting their dirty socks in the hamper or flushing a freshly used toilet.

So, try getting them obsessed over the marginally interesting pastimes of bottle flipping, impossible tosses, ninja-star flicking playing cards, and ping pong ball trick shots. They’ll spend hours calculating angles and cross winds as they learn practical lessons in geometry and physics instead of begging you for screen time like Golem whining for his Precious. So set up that bouncetacle course and get those cameras rolling. If it takes off, your kiddo could depressingly become a financially-independent YouTube star overnight!

Data Entry

No one likes watching their children blow countless hours and a few million brain cells in unproductive screen time. So, turn screen time into grind time! Whether they’re mining the Matrix for Bitcoins (if that’s still a thing) or filling out surveys for valuable cash-like prizes, their keyboard-jockeying is just a wifi connection away.

In addition to possibly being more useful than watching unboxing videos, with the chance of making a few bucks, these activities will give your children the skills they need for a dull and soulless life as a corporate drone!

Thunderdome 

Are you tired of breaking up your kids’ constant arguments? Then stop even trying to referee them and have them settle their score on the glorious field, or basement, of combat! Arm those little tykes with a few cardboard tubes, give them a pillow as a shield and let them whack away at each other, preferably in a room as far away from you as possible. As a caring parent, put a pair of underwear stuffed with a t-shirt on their heads for a makeshift helmet for extra protection and hilarity.

Remember, in Thunderdome, two children enter but only one child leaves…to be exiled to the bathroom with a piece of toast for the rest of the evening or something.

So kick back and relax as you watch your little ones duke it out in the basement or train for the Quiet Olympics. Active kids make for happy kids but they also make for even happier, and well-rested, parents.

VALENTINE’S DAY IS COMING. It’s a thought strikes fear into the bravest of men’s hearts. When most people with a pair of testicles think about the holiday, they usually do so with the grim certainty the Starks talk about winter in Game of Thrones. But don’t worry!

Whether you’re looking to add a little romance to Valentine’s Day or just trying to show your sweetheart that you’re thinking of her and you’re not an emotionally distant monster, here’s list of just about everything your loved one could possibly want for this most dreaded time of year.
 

Give the Stylish Gift of Time

Jewelry is always a great gift for Valentine’s Day, but anyone can go out and buy a pair of diamond earrings or a tennis bracelet, as long as they’re willing to sell a kidney.

Not everyone, however, can provide their one-and-only with the gift of time. Show that special someone in your life how much you really care with a big ass bejeweled clock necklace. It’s the perfect blend of fashion and function. 

She’ll appreciate the constant reminder of all that she needs to get done in the day hanging around her neck. And she’ll always know “what time it is” when you give her your best come hither look and suggestively lick your lips. Romance o’clock, baby!

Give her Thoughtful Vibrance

Cut flowers are soooo played out and pretty insensitive if you think about it: giving your sweetheart a bushel of freshly-murdered flora. Even weirder, flowers are the reproductive system for plants. So technically this gift is as thoughtful as putting roadkill ovaries in a vase.

Unless she’s weirdly into rotting vegetation, consider giving her a planter box of wheatgrass instead. It’s good for her and if cared for properly it should stay a vibrant green for months, serving as a constant reminder that her digestive health is always on your mind.

Get Her What She Really NEEDS

There’s so much wasteful consumerism surrounding gift-giving holidays, we wind up with a lot of junk. Your dear heart is bound to swoon at the sensibility of your economical approach.

But don’t just get her a replacement for that wonky old can opener, you need to pop for something truly proportional to your love for her, like a new vacuum. You can even wrap it up romantically.

Nurture Her Body

Any idiot can buy their sweetie a box of chocolates, so don’t be any idiot! It’s really not that much of a step up from purchasing her some candy bars during your last stop at a gas station.

Show her you love her with something that will nourish her body and soul without all of those sweet, delicious, mouth-watering empty candy calories and instead give her a fourteen pound turkey! Ladies love a guy who can provide a surplus of sustenance that’s a tasty and lean protein with B vitamins, selenium, zinc, and phosphorus.

So get her gobbling on some nice moist poultry to set the mood for the evening. Make sure that bird registers 165°F or you may be spewing the mood for the next few days.

Women Love a Project

Not every woman wants a man to do it for her. Some of them like a good project which is probably the reason why she started seeing you in the first place! 

If you’re in a relationship with a do-it-yourselfer, consider buying her some furniture that requires full assembly. Or buy all of the tiles and materials for that bathroom remodel she’s been nagging you for so long about.

Don’t worry about helping her finish the project. If there’s one thing we’ve all learned about women it’s that they still love a man even when he can’t finish.

Buy Something for Yourself

She loves you. She loves seeing you happy. So imagine the gleam in her eye when she sees you enthusiastically using her Valentine’s gift every day. Get her a ride-on mower or that high-end lightsaber replica you’ve had your eye on. Whatever sparks joy in you!

Giving can be one of the most fulfilling acts a person can perform, so basically you’ll be giving her the gift of giving.

Give Her a Mystery

Everyone likes a little mystery in their life and there’s no better time for one than Valentine’s Day! 

Move her keys randomly around the home! Hide a fancy piece of cheese behind a dresser! Enter her email into a bunch of subscriptions for the art of balloon twisting! Mail her an anonymous ransom note for a pet you don’t own!

The sky’s the limit when it comes to the number of things you can do to add a little intrigue in her life. The key is to get her thinking about what brought you together in the first place.

Make A Poem of Your Love

Teddy bears are great but there’s something just a little creepy about buying a stuffed animal for an adult you’re sleeping with. Instead write lovey dovey a poem like a grown ass adult! Don’t worry about rhyme or meter or talent, just let your heart speak. Feel free to use this as inspiration or go ahead and rip it off word for word:

Roses are red
My love is true
Now let’s get it on
Before my balls turn blue

The important thing is to not think too much about it, even though it’s the thought that counts. She’ll be so happy to see how sophisticated you’ve become!

So stop fretting! Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be an annual dread fest! Just follow these tips and you’ll be sure to have an unforgettable holiday that she’ll never let you forget.

None of these are going to get you into trouble at work, especially since a lot of people are working from home in these “unprecedented” days. Well, maybe if your kid walks up and asks why a woman is “wrestling” naked with a stork… that’d be awkward.

While these aren’t too explicit, if you blush when you see an eggplant emoji, you might need to take a deep breath so you can gasp a lot while you’re clutching your pearls. No. Not that kind of pearl necklace, I said this wasn’t too raunchy. But like, not completely un-raunchy.
 

Welp. Hope this tickled your funny bone and really hit the spot, leaving you breathless (with laughter). Okay. I’ll stop.

If we’ve learned anything about gender reveal parties over the past few years it’s that some people have remained remarkably stupid despite several thousands of years of human progress. Unfortunately, these shindigs have become a freakish combo of Likes-culture combined with daredevil oneupmanship.

It’s all well and good to be excited about the different milestones that come with pregnancy. It’s a beautiful process, aside from the morning sickness and the mood swings and that whole part about pushing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon. The prospect of bringing a new life into the world is magical enough, so there’s no need to bring the thrill of potential loss of life or limb to the celebration.

Here are a few Don’ts when it comes to announcing the type of genitals your baby is going to have, as well as some alternatives for those who simply cannot shake the reveal fever.
 

Don’t Make Wildlife Part of the Party

Wild animals are not tame. It’s right in their name. Having an alligator eat a melon full of blue Jell-O is certainly a unique method, but it’s kind of anticlimactic and generally has a lot of possible answers to the question “What could go wrong?”

Bringing “tamer” animals like birds or squirrels into the celebration is usually a bad idea as well. As much as you might think the critters would enjoy a good party, you are wrong. So don’t be cruel and go dyeing a dove pink and jamming it in a box. Please forget about feeding blue oatmeal to your dog so he can dump a gender turd at a backyard reveal.

Instead…
Just adopt a puppy. Like babies, puppies are cute, lack bladder control, have huge appetites and erratic sleep schedules, which will all be good training for the arrival of your little bundle of the aforementioned qualities. NOTE: Best not to practice breastfeeding on the puppy.
 

Don’t Use Fireworks

There are two types of people who use large bore fireworks: trained professionals and meth addicts. Unless you qualify for one of these two groups, please don’t use fireworks. Also, if you’re a meth head, maybe you should look into rehab or some alternative plans for the raising of your child.

There’s really no need for your kid to grow up with his friend’s referring to you as “Stumpy.” The party can be “lit” without sending colorful fireballs into a crowd of family and friends. You want people to scream for joy, not for their lives.

Instead…
Just wait for the Fourth of July or even New Year’s Eve to get your fix if you’re that addicted to pretty explosions (or meth). You can also set up a video screening, there are tons of YouTube clips of people who have already gone to the trouble of setting off blue or pink ground-to-air tactical-gender munitions.
 

Don’t Use a Sports Theme

Professional athletes spend years honing their skills. The odds are you have not. Also the odds aren’t exactly stellar of you hitting a home run with that ball of chalk, slamming a powder-filled basketball, or kicking a winning glittery field goal. However, the odds of injury are certainly high.

Instead…
Go relive your glory days at the next high school reunion like a normal person. There are also tons of highly realistic sports video games out there if ya just gotta scratch that itch.
 

Don’t Use Cars

You wouldn’t try to rake a lawn with a car or use its engine to cook bacon, would you? Well, maybe these geniuses below would, but most people would have to agree that using a mode of transportation for something other than transportation might produce unintended results.

 Instead…
Just use your car to safely drive to your gender get-together and then tell people by speaking with your mouth that you’re having a girl or boy. Maybe eat some food and hang out. Crazy idea, right?
 

Don’t Use Confetti Cannons

Like firearms, confetti cannons are a no-no when it comes to gender reveal parties, but also pretty much any other celebration. Anything with the word cannon in its name is trying to tell you something. And the something starts with “cannon” and ends with damage to persons or property.

Though it’s amusingly ironic to announcing your baby’s sex whilst removing your ability to have any more children, just no.

Instead…
Just throw fistfuls of colored aquarium gravel at the audience. It’s more environmentally friendly and less likely to burst in someone’s face or other delicate parts of the body.
 

Don’t Use Explosives at All

Typically blue represents a boy and pink means it’s a girl. But when you set off a massive wildfire, the fiery orange tells the world that the baby’s parents are a rare and special breed of idiot. You’re having a baby, not making a Beavis and Butthead movie directed by Michael Bay.

 Instead…
Ummmm. Maybe put the baby up for adoption? It might be the safest course.
 

Just Don’t

Whether you’re pooting blue dust out of your butt or skydiving with smoke bombs it seems pretty obvious that, when gender reveal parties are concerned, the possibility that things will go wrong is entirely disproportional to the importance of the event. 

Remember, even when it’s not over-the-top, things go wrong.

So the next time you’re thinking of hosting a gender reveal party please just consider not doing one.

The beginning of the year is always a great time for us adults to take stock of the past and anticipate the future in preparation of the year ahead. It turns out that toddlers are no different from us bigger people, just with less fine motor and bowel control.

Wee ones have the same sorts of fears and hopes that us older folks have when it comes to thinking about the New Year. After interviewing thousands almost a handful of toddlers we’ve learned a little bit about their dreams for the New Year, successes and failures in the past as well as some predictions for the future. 
 

What are some challenges you faced this past year?

Tommy: I like poopin’ but I REALLY like poopin’ in the closet. My momma kept trying to keep me from pooping in the closet but I wouldn’t let her. I like pooping in the closet. 

Shelby: My parents eat a lot of meat but I don’t like meat so much. I guess I’m a vegan but I also don’t really like vegetables either. Especially peas. Peas are gross and mushy. 

Jon: I don’t like socks. The seams drive me nuts. My dad wears sandals and socks which is just so gross but so are his toes. He says he has a fungus  or something. 

Jennifer: I was greatly concerned about the Federal Reserve’s policy over the last twelve months. Given the current economic conditions I think that they should have be much more aggressive when cutting interest rates. 
 

Any regrets?

Tommy: I really think I could have pooped even more in the closet. Like I said though, my momma watches me like a hawk. She even started keeping me in a playpen with really high gates which makes it very hard to poop in the closet. 

Shelby: I don’t believe in regrets. Regrets are just opportunities that haven’t been fully experienced unless you’re eating the flesh of an animal. I’d regret that. And eating steamed carrots. Bleah. 

Jon: I mentioned that whole socks and sandals thing didn’t I?

Jennifer: There’s been talk of returning to a gold standard which would be a huge mistake by any measure. While a gold standard limits inflation, which is at a historical low right now, it effectively limits the amount of wealth available globally and hampers liquidity. 
 

What about a success you’ve had in the past year?

Tommy: I thought I already mentioned that I’ve been able to poop in the closet. 

Shelby: I took dairy and gluten out of my diet this year. It made my mom a little made. Technically I probably should be breastfeeding but I’m a vegan which I might have said before and it’s not conducive to my lifestyle. 

Jon: I FINALLY got gammy gram to wax her lip and chin and also most of her cheeks. It was like an all aver facial sort of things but it had to be done. She was starting to look like Gandalf. 

Jennifer: I think that the success of our economy speaks for itself. 
 

Predictions for the New Year?

Tommy: I’m gonna keep poopin’ in the closet. Also, I’ve been talking to Jennifer and apparently we should all get out of the oil and gas industry. It’s going to be an outdated source of power soon and the technological breakthroughs with clean energy are going become more efficient as time passes. 

Jon: Cozy is in. I’d look to see a lot of soft textiles on the runway this year. Also, I’m pretty sure Kanye and Kim are going to split. And that kid Tommy is probably going to keep pooping in the closet. 

Shelby: I really don’t like predictions. I’ll just call it more of a hope. I hope that people all around the world become a little more self-aware. A little kinder. Especially my cousin Sarah who’s kind of a bitch. I think it’s because she eats too much dairy. 

Jennifer: I predict that the recent difficulties with China will greatly affect trade and increase the odds of a moderate-to-severe global recession. That potential downswing however could be countered domestically somewhat by continued growth in the tech and manufacturing sectors. Tommy will also, most likely, continue defecating in the closet. 
 

New Year’s Resolutions?

Tommy: I’m going to start branching out as far as my food intake goes and eat a LOT more fiber. I’m probably going to start eating chili, too. 

Jon: I’m tossin’ my socks in the trash. My old man’s too, and while I’m at it I’m going to have a talk about his goatee. Who does he think he’s fooling with it? We all know you have a weak chin. At least start using some dye a little bit. Nothing too much just a touch to take out the gray. 

Shelby: I’m going to listen to my body more and tell it that it should stop wanting to eat hot dogs. 

Jennifer: I’d like to focus a little more on my portfolio, but have a better sense about life balance. I’m thinking about taking up golf. It’s a great way to exercise and discuss the various economic events of the day with other financially-minded toddlers like myself.

–

From financial advice to fashion tips, these toddlers certainly prove that you never know just exactly what  kids are thinking. The only thing we can be sure of really is that 2021 will have its highs and lows for each of these little tykes and that Tommy’s mom will almost certainly have her hands full… of poop.

Most people know about the typical biological wonders that go along with the aging male body: the balding, the thickets of hair that sprout from ears and nostrils, bifocals, and the lack of boners.

What doesn’t often get mentioned are the other awkward side effects of getting older. The little embarrassing tidbits that, maybe, it would have been nice to have known about earlier instead of being shocked by them like cranking some depressing, later-life biological jack in the box.

Let’s look at five often unmentioned things men experience as they slouch into the inevitable decline of middle age.

Bungie Balls

A certain part of the male anatomy gets longer as our bodies age. Which would be pretty nifty if it was the part most of us would like to have some added length. As men enter middle age, gravity begins to take its toll on our balls, drawing them ever so slowly towards the center of the earth. Let’s face it. A man’s nut sack isn’t his most attractive feature, but making them even uglier is just a cruel twist (or pull) of fate.

Additional heads-ups:

• You may ocassionally sit painfully on your now free-range huevos
• Your teabag might get a dip in toilet water
• Exercise/sports with loose/no undies may cause painful nad clanging
• You might potentially horrify onlookers when you sit in swim trunks

Invasive Maneuvers!

Colonoscopies and endoscopies and prostate exams, oh my! Awareness of the medical procedures men have to undergo sort of sink in slowly as you get older, not unlike a lubed-up, rubber-gloved finger. GAH!

These procedures are important to men’s health but still, and I can’t emphasize this enough, GAH!

Additional heads-ups:

• When the doc says you may feel some pressure, that’s code for pain
• You’ll discover the most ultra mega super soft toilet paper brands

Springing a Leak

Dick Trickle was a short track race car driver back in the 70s and the 80s. Why is this bit of history important? It’s not really, aside from the fact that it’s a funny and pretty accurate description of what happens after men of a certain age partake in a leak. 

As younger men, it was pretty clear when we were done whizzing. The flow of urine stopped almost as if turned off by a faucet. As we get older, however, figuring out when the deed is truly done becomes a bit more mysterious. Despite employing the safety measure of giving it a wiggle, the dick trickles for a few unexpected seconds… and then for a few bonus seconds more… usually after we’ve sheathed our pork sword back in our underwear.

Additional heads-ups:

• Your laundry basket might take on the stench of a hobo’s bedroll
• You might start packing your luggage with an obnoxious amount of reserve underwear when traveling
• You may develop serious bodily-function trust issues

Never Trust a Fart

Speaking of trust issues, wangs aren’t the only thing that go out of whack in extra-mature men. A man’s butthole becomes a bit of a roulette wheel and the older he gets always bet on brown.

For many, letting a few farts fly in the car or at the dinner table or even at a wedding used to be an act of crude but rebelliously hilarious fun. Somewhere in our forties though bringing the thunder turns into a gamble where the odds are not in our favor and somewhere in a landfill is a mountain of skid-stained undies to prove it.

Additional heads-ups:

• You’ll start excusing yourself to go to the restroom just to break wind
• You might switch from loose boxers to briefs for increased containment in the event of a tragedy

Moobs

Unless you’re bench pressing refrigerators daily to get pecs like The Rock, you’re going to develop man boobs, moobs. No matter how thin you are, like your testicles, your chesticles are going to experience the ravages of gravity.

Sure, there are other more preferable ways for men to get in touch with their feminine side, but this one is inevitable, so just accept it.

Additional heads-ups:

• Your wardrobe will have tons of loose-fitting shirts
• You’ll get acquainted with what women know as under-boob sweat
• Jogging or doing jumping jacks might make you a tad jiggle-conscious

It’s pretty obvious why these points aren’t the everyday chat around campfires and coffee tables, but it’s always nice to have a heads up on things. Even if the weather forecast is saggy with a chance of dribbles.

I ran into technical difficulties galore, buggy audio, video glitches, software issues oh my! But at long last the final installment of my son’s entertaining reactions to all 9 Star Wars movies is complete. The Rise of Skywalker video is now fully operational!

For the extended edit (8:09), click here

 
I’m not sure what’s next. A lot of people have urged us to watch the Clone Wars, but the amount of watching and editing. We still have Solo to watch, but I think The Mandalorian would be more entertaining. We shall see!

May the Force be with you, always!
 

This post was brought to you by Lifebuoy Total 10 Handwash.

Being a parent these days means that we have to play a lot of different roles. From chauffeur, nurse, cook, maid, entertainment supervisor, emergency plumber, etc., etc., etc., the parental resume bullet points just keep stacking up.



One of the unexpected roles parents have is playing detective. Which isn’t to say that our kids are criminals…at least not yet. Kids are adorable and have a lot of fantastic qualities but sometimes they “forget” to take care of some basic pieces of hygiene. Even when they’re told once or seventeen times. Or they simply lie their little improperly-wiped butts off about having done them.



Since grilling your child in an empty room under a bare lightbulb hasn’t been good parenting since…well never, it’s our job to do a little bit of investigative work to make sure our children aren’t festering piles of disease and filth.


Here’s a list of tips for investigating the four most common hygiene crimes that kids commit.

The Toothbrushing Mystery

Like the sun rising and setting, it happens twice a day. You ask your lovable little one “Did you brush your teeth?” and the answer is almost always “uhhhh…yeah.” That pause may be the first clue that your youngster might not have done a great job at cleaning their tiny toofers, if they even brushed at all.

To crack the case:

• Determine if the toothbrush is wet.
• Check if the brush smells minty, in case they only did a “wet” brush fake out.
• Is the mirror and faucet splattered with enough toothpaste to indicate a thorough and vigorous brushing?
• Smell their breath to see if it’s wintery fresh or more like an old can of cat food.

If the answers aren’t to your liking, BUSTED, and you can sentence them to another trip the sink.

DO NOT install a bathroom motion-activated nanny cam. It’s just a bit too Big Brother, and you might just accidentally catch dad passing some bad tacos.

The Showering Question

For kids, washing the bod isn’t exactly tops on their list of favorite activities. So it’s not a shocker that they don’t always do a squeaky-clean job, and sometimes they’re just lying through their probably unbrushed teeth about having taken a shower at all.

To reveal the answer:

• Recall if you heard any water running?
• Test their hair and towels to see if they’re at all damp.
• Is there enough water on the floor for a large fish to survive?
• Does their hair smell like a haunted bog or feel like a bowl of leftover cornflakes?

If your kid doesn’t pass the investigation, then it’s time for another stretch in the shower cell.

DO NOT try to frame your child for a crime they did not commit in order to coerce a shower-related confession. This doesn’t just burn the bridge of trust between a parent and child, it napalms it.

The Fecal Fallacy

As a parent you probably never thought that you’d see Uranus and the fact is that you probably won’t unless you have a mirror or a large telescope. That said when it comes to anuses there’s a good chance that your kid’s butthole hasn’t been visited with enough toilet paper.

To get to the bottom (hee hee) of it:

• See if there is even toilet paper in the bathroom.
• Ascertain if your child’s nether region smells like a broken sewer main.
• Check if their fingers smell like they’ve been making sandcastles in a loaded kitty litter box. Itchy butt cracks aren’t clean butt cracks.
• See if their underwear has skid marks the size a drag racer would lay down.

DO NOT hire a forensics team to inspect for an excess presence of fecal particles or clumps. It’s astonishingly expensive, not to mention pretty embarrassing.

The Handwashing Conundrum

Washing your hands seems like such a simple task. There’s water and soap and a little bit of scrubbing, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, it’s easier to teach a kangaroo how to clean a carburetor than it is to get kids to wash their hands on a regular basis or even on an irregular basis. And not just wiggling their fingers under running water for a millisecond!

To unravel the truth:

• See if your kid’s hands smell like soap or a four-day-old gym sock.
• Notice if there’s enough dirt in their fingernails to grow a carrot.
• Find out if their hands are actually wet. Kids are terrible at drying, so it’s a good sign if they’re damp or soaking wet.
• Is the water still running? Also a good indication of the performance of at least an attempt at handwashing.

DO NOT show them terrible diseases online to scare them straight. Kids are little nightmare factories on their own, and hasn’t 2020 been terrifying enough?

And there you have it! A mostly comprehensive-ish list of how to ferret out the truth when it comes to your children’s hygiene (or lack thereof). Happy sleuthing and good health!

Announcing 99% Germ
Protection in 10 Seconds!

My thanks to Lifebuoy for sponsoring this post so that I can let you know about the new Lifebuoy Total 10 Handwash. It contains a patented formulation that ensures your hands are clean and protected against germs. It’s proven by lab tests to remove 99.9% of germs in just 10 seconds and it’s now available at Walmart and online.

Just what parents need to ensure their kids are following health guidelines and simply not being grubby little filth monsters.

A lot of people go bonkers and bling out their homes for the holidays, and some of them like to go immediately from spider webs and skeletons to icicle lights and blow-up Santas. This irritates a lot of Thanksgiving-minded folks. But this peeve pales in comparison to the year this has been, so the general populace seems to have graciously green-lit early decorating this year (or white-lit if you’re Martha Stewart fancy about it).

However. Some decorators have pretty much had it up to here and higher, and it shows.

Best not to bottle up your emotions.

Meh-rry Christmas, everyone. I sincerely hope this made you chuckle, and that the holidays brighten your life. And if not, I hope your egg nog is so boozy it turns into an omelet if you don’t drink it fast enough. Cheers!

2020 has been about as fun as a paper cut on a nipple before a swim in a septic tank, and why should Thanksgiving be any different? Take a look at the bingo card below and count yourself lucky for all the squares you can’t fill in.

What happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom… until now!

“What exactly are you doing in the bathroom for so long?” It’s a question women have been asking men for ages. At least since the invention of the outhouse and quite possibly as early as the prehistoric time when holes were dug outside the family cave.

“Did we fall in?” Hah! Good one, but no.

“Are we okay in there?” Maybe. Probably, but it might depend on your definition of “okay” in some cases.

“Should I call an ambulance?” We’ll keep you posted. 

So just why is it taking us so long in there? The answers might surprise you. Or be completely unsurprising.

Actual Defecation

It’s true. Most of the time when men hunker down on the porcelain throne in their fortress of solitude, they’re pooping. Why so long, though? Well the more mysterious answers to that question are revealed below, but one explanation related to the act of deuce dropping is that, thanks to a high-protein, low-fiber diet and a largely sedentary life, most men have to circle the block several times before dropping the kids off at the pool. On the flip side, it can be the slow, volcanic Wednesday following a particularly festive Taco Tuesday.

Taking Care of Business

No, not that kind of “taking care of business,” ya perv. If you’ve ever received an email or a text or Facebook comment from a dude, there’s a good chance he wrote it après poo. Everybody poops! And now, thanks to the internet and smartphones, everybody can get a little work done and stay connected while they’re copping a squat. 

It’s not the most pleasant thought, but the next time you get an email from the CEO about the company’s fourth quarter earnings, realize there’s a good chance that some of it was composed on the crapper.

A Place for Self-Improvement

It’s shouldn’t be a huge surprise to learn that the average man performs 70% of his reading while he’s pinching a loaf. Some have completed college degrees on the can. Granted these probably aren’t from colleges that one would call “good” or even “accredited,” but in any case, give us some peace while we’re reading War and Peace.

Taking a Squat-cation

Maybe we’re grabbing the only chance we’ll get to YouTube the highlights of the game we missed. Or we’re catching up on some mindless scrolling through memes that make us LOL in our minds. Or maybe it has been a while and we do, indeed, need to “take care of business.”

A Little R&R&R

In the hectic world we live in it’s hard to find even a moment to unwind, and what better place to grab some Me Time than on the pot? It’s one of the few places where a man can lock himself inside a room without sparking a call to 911. 

The bathroom provides dads with a quiet place away from kids fighting over the last Oreo or a spontaneous visit from the in-laws. It’s a haven, a safe space, a sanctuary where a dude can be left to his own dudely self. To rest, relax and recharge (sometimes literally, if the battery is low on his phone and the cable reaches).

Great Thoughts Must Be Thunked

When the phone does die, and we’ve already re-re-re-read the labels on all the bottles within arms reach, we’re left with thinking great thoughts. Maybe we’re trying to figure out how they get the toothpaste in the tube. Maybe we’re trying to reconcile quantum physics with the classical Newtonian model. There’s a lot of middle ground when it comes to the word “great” in great thoughts, but some of history’s most profound thinkers must have made their contributions to society while making a contribution to the city’s sewage system.

Pythagoras developed his famous theorem while taking a dump… probably. You can’t prove he didn’t. Shakespeare almost certainly conceived some part of Hamlet whilst he satteth upon the commode. Great thoughts can come to anyone and, more importantly, while anywhere. Especially when “anywhere” is in the loo.

–

And there you have it! The secrets are out. So before you start to heckle a man through the door for spending too much time in the crapatorium, remember that we might just be saving the world.

Then again, we might have just dozed off.
 

Have you ever gone to bed and, right before you drifted off, you wondered: “What if they made a new Muppets movie?” But you also had some questionable shellfish, so you slid off into some freaky nightmares instead? Well, wonder no more!

Jason Beck’s (Artstation) brilliant mash-up of Muppet and monsters re-imagines 12 Muppet crossovers into classic horror films.

Welp. There you have it. Hopefully that didn’t ruin your childhood.