Howtobeadad

DO’s and DO-NOT’s for Halloween 2020

Thu, 22 Oct 2020 00:18:01 GMT

Let’s not put a mask on it. Halloween is going to be fairly sucky this year.

Pandemic bummers aside, it was supposed to be exceptionally AMAZING. October 31st falls on a a full Blue Moon AND a Saturday AND clocks go back an hour! Such a shame.

In the days of Halloweens past, all we usually had to fret about was our kids falling into a diabetic coma, or unnecessarily worrying about a razor in a candy bar, or a tantrum resulting from getting too many boxes of raisins.

Now with COVID rearing its ugly microscopic head, parents and children have something unusually scary to worry about, but DON’T PANIC!!! Here are a few Do’s and Don’ts that will make navigating the unprecedented crappiness of this COVIDween a tad less uncertain.

1)

DO: give out treats safely.

Aside from gas station bathroom floors, children’s hands are the second largest vector of disease… probably. So if you’re hell bent on dishing out candy this year, instead of having kids grubbily root around in a bowl, dole out candy with a gloved hand or clean salad tongs.

For distancing, you can set up a chute or a system of connected wrapping paper tubes to slide candy down into their eagerly open bags.

If you’re a hardcore Halloweener, you can set up a motorized zipline contraption like this:

DO NOT: launch candy at kids.

Though entertaining, it is highly inadvisable to hurl candy or use a launcher of any form. Tennis ball chuckers, sling shots and t-shirt cannons will only add the danger of sugary projectiles injuriously pelting kids, or sending them scurrying in the street to recover any blasts that overshot their mark.

2)

DO: host an outdoor movie party.

If you’ve got the technical and ladder-climbing skills, buy a projector and hang a large sheet for a kids’ cinema party in the yard! With all the streaming services you can find just about any not-to-spooky movie. For added safety, keep the gathering small and have them wear masks that aren’t part of their costume (they always take those off in minutes).

DO NOT: host an indoor horror-themed haunted house.

A Saw-style escape room might seem like a good idea, but it’s exactly the opposite. No one at any age wants to walk into a room to see two grown men chained up to a wall next to a hacksaw and a gun. Kids start crying. Parents yelling. Lots of potentially infectious bio-particles flying.

Running around the house in close quarters with a chainsaw might seem lively, but the kids are going to be sugar-amped as it is. Adding a night (or weeks) of bedwetting and nightmares doesn’t make for the best Halloween.

3)

DO: have a scavenger hunt outside.

Kids love a scavenger hunt. Well, they sure will this year since not much else will be going on! Keeping kids outside minimizes the risk of contagion as well as the festive demolition of your home. Give the kids some clues and flashlights and let ‘em go! They’ll have fun working together, or competing ruthlessly like the Hunger Games. Have some bandaids to hand.

DO NOT: host a scavenger hunt with booby traps.

Tossing a bunch of those tissue snaps into the yard for them to pop off when they run around is just mean. Spring-loaded toy spiders in plastic eggs? Nope. Tripwires that release hungry raccoons? NO!

Also, remember… they’re searching in the dark… in a yard… potentially bedazzled with dog, cat or other chocolate-like animal poop. “Stop, Billy! You’ve made a terrible mistake!”

Make sure to do a thorough daylight inspection beforehand.

4)

DO: host an online get together.

Host an online event for your children and their friends! Hey. It’s kinda like a party! Sorta. Ugh.

Hire a makeup artist to join and instruct them on how to create gruesome gashes or weird Pokémon faces. Or do a virtual cookie or cupcake decorating activity together. Coordinate with the other parents to get the needed supplies. Send out several reminders. SEV-ER-AL. I’m looking at you, Janine.

Credit: IndyWithKids: How to Host a Halloween Zoom Party

5)

DO: SOMETHING!

Anything!

DO NOT: just chuck it in the f*ck it bucket.

The kids have suffered enough this year already. It’s our job as parents to try to protect them from danger and illness, but sometimes it’s also about protecting them from massive letdowns. Whatever you do doesn’t have to be wild or expensive or exhausting. Kids can be easier to please than you think.

Teenagers on the other hand… um.

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There you have it! Please stay safe and have as much fun as you can this Halloween. And always remember that fruit is not an acceptable substitute for treats.

18 Edgy Halloween Comics

Fri, 16 Oct 2020 10:30:00 GMT

However lame Halloween will be this year, a lot of us still love the cobweb-covered calendar month, and we could all use some laughs these days. But Spooky Season tends to be a tad dark, so there are no knock-knock jokes here. Enjoy!

1. Moon Prank

by Marko Raassina

2. Nom Nom Nom

3) Mini Skirt

by @thedailydrawing

4) Crispy Child

by @henrypaket

5) Seal in the Freshness

by BizarroComics

6) The Full Monty

by @skeleton_claw

7) Spit it out!

by buttersafe.com

8) Trick ’em up!

by extrafabulouscomics.com

9) Ahhhhhhhhh!

by Hannah Hillam

10) Serial Killer Media

by Brent Smith

11) Anatomically Correct Cat Pumpkin

by @amitliz_art

12) Love at First Fright

by optipress.com

13) Whoa!

by explosm.net

14) Burn the Witch

by Rustled Jimmies

15) Witch Activities

by War and Peas

16) Yo mama!

by Never Stay Dead

17) Ew.

by poorlydrawncomics.com

18) Awkward!

I hope those made you laugh more than wince or cringe! Have a happy Spooky Season. As best you can.

Click here for more funny comics posts!

7 Habits of Highly Effective Toddlers

Thu, 08 Oct 2020 04:30:13 GMT

You’re a toddler. You’ve got an agenda and can’t be held up just because your parents think you need to learn your colors or know what a cow sounds like. You’re on the move (even if a bit wobbly). You have THINGS TO DO. Like chewing on erasers or unraveling toilet paper rolls or anything else that pops into your cute but disproportionately large head.

Let’s get to the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Toddlers:

1) Be a Go-Getter

Go! Just go. Forward or backward, sideways, it doesn’t matter if you have a destination or goal. Even if you land on your bottom, the bottom line is to just keep on toddling on. No one ever found any cool pebbles or dust bunnies in life by lazing it up in tummy time or gazing vacantly at up a mobile in the comfort of a crib. The only way to get anywhere in life is to get going. Even if it’s straight into a chair.

2) Train the Potty Trainer

All powerful leaders delegate. Your parents are obviously working hard to earn a degree in bodily waste management, so don’t deny them the valuable work experience they so desperately need. Quite frankly, toilets are mind boggling, not to mention more than a little bit scary. Where does all the poopy go and what if you fall in? Why do people even risk a terrifying waterslide ride into the depths of Pottyland?

Instead of spending hours pondering these questions, do your business in your wearable poopie-satchel and lay back on an executive changing table to think your big thoughts. It’ll save time and give your subordinates some cherished moments while adding substance to their resumes.

3) Squeal the Deal

You want to negotiate for more play time or an increase in bedtime stories. Maybe you desperately want to acquire that bright shiny thingy in the grocery checkout lane. There are two powerful strategies you can apply even if you’re still non-verbal. First, blast your parent point blank with a giggly, gummy smile. If that doesn’t work, scream like someone set a pterodactyl on fire. Parents are suckers for these tactics.

You can’t win every deal but don’t be discouraged. If your determination is sagging like a pee pee diaper just sneak a sip of mommy’s coffee. Coffee is for closers and naps are for babies. You’re not a baby, are you? Nuh-uh!

4) Pre-liminate the Competition

Sure a big brother might laugh respectfully at your snot bubbles, and a big sis probably serves impeccable imaginary tea, but parents only have so many brain cells for their kids to dominate. Since you time travel and prevent your parents from producing an older sibling, you can at least stop them from popping out more competition.

Turn your sleep schedule into a hair-trigger jack-in-the box. Keeping your parents too tired to see straight is a great deterrent for future baby manufacturing. If necessary, scream-cry until they put you in the bed between them and become a reproduction blockade. If you see them getting dangerously snuggly, take a deep breath and throw up all over the mood. It’s a toddler eat dog biscuit world out there, and you need to corner the market.

An added bonus: tired parents are suggestible parents, and suggestible parents are easier to work with.

5) Fuel for the Creative

Breastfeeding is efficient and let’s face it, pretty great! A warm, soft pillow that pumps food straight into your face while you power nap? Marvelous. You’ve got dreams to weave! Milk that for as long as possible. Once you do switch to solids, sit back and multitask. Whether your num nums are delivered by choo-choo train or spoon plane, you can busy yourself with epic drum solos on the high-chair tray or create a masterpiece of pureed peas.

6) Soak It All Up

Question everything. Will this fit in my mouth? Is this going to bounce or break? Will that door stopper go twang if you flick it for the thirtieth time? You just don’t know. You’re a sponge, so drench yourself until you’re dripping in knowledge. You can wait to play with those wooden blocks when you’re old and retired in your teens.

Second hand information can be like a second hand diaper, full of doo doo. Always challenge the things you’re told by your parents. If they tell you something is hot or sharp or fragile, it’s best to find out by direct inspection.

7) Take Control

Someone’s gotta be in control and it might as well be you. You’re certainly not going to leave it to those two high-strung, sleep-deprived giants you live with, are you? No way, José.

You are the master of your fate, the captain of your ship, the peddler of your tricycle, so why not act like it? Be a self-starter. Grab that glass! Crawl into that dishwasher! Eat that penny! Take the initiative, and the cap off that sharpie!

If your parents are urgently suggesting you not do something, DO IT. If they’re passionately requesting that you do something, DON’T. You’re establishing dominance and demonstrating you’re not a lemming. Don’t just let them haul you away to play with a bunch of other kids under a parachute.

When your parents won’t take your ‘NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” when it’s time for bed, don’t be a push over. Lose your shit, bite the dog, fling some poop around the room. Deliver a compelling tantrum the likes of which your mommy and daddy cannot refuse!

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And there you have the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Toddlers! I hope you took some notes (bonus points for using shorthand, or being able to hold the crayon at all, honestly).

Now stop staring at your belly button and be the most effective toddler you can be!

5 Films 2020-ized for Your Amusement

Fri, 10 Jul 2020 18:23:09 GMT

The pandemic has rocked the entire world in one way or another. One has to wonder how it will affect culture moving forward.

Let’s use World War II as a precedent in these “unprecedented” times . Personally, I’ve seen at least thirty WW2-era productions. So, how might COVID-19 influence some of the stories we tell in the future?

Using some familiar romantic comedies as a funny reference, let’s imagine…

Love Actually

If you thought logging into Zoom meetings and Facetiming was an exciting way of finding deep connections with people… um, what the hell is wrong with you?

Picture it, Love Actually’s multiple storylines unfolding through streaming screens and smartphones in this 2020-ized version. Yeeeaaahhh.

This film has been referred to as a romantic holiday classic by some, and as a cinematic turd that seems to float to the top of the bowl each holiday season by others. In either case, we can all meet in the middle and agree that this version would blow corona-infected chunks.

When Harry Met Sally…

That classic scene where Meg Ryan vigorously demonstrates a fake orgasm would lose a lot when muffled behind a mask, and the humor of “I’ll have what she’s ordering out” certainly wilts a bit, 6ft apart in a takeout line.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Weddings are hellacious enough to put together without the charming culture clash of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but now imagine sudden Stay-At-Home orders hurling all of those plans like a dish into a fireplace. Opa? NOPE-ah!

Pretty Woman

I mean… sure, the modern world is getting used to dating apps and other ways of “connecting” online, I guess. However, the 2020-ized version of this movie just doesn’t seem like it could get away with a Cinderella story vibe. Even though the original was a basically a fish-net-stockings-to-riches tale.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

It’s difficult to imagine a 2020-ization of a movie that has the word “travel” in its title. And it’s also pretty strange (and counter-intuitive to controlling contagion) to imagine girlfriends connecting their life paths by taking turns sharing a pair of Cheeto-dust infused sweatpants at each of their respective homes.

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Needless to say, these movies would all suffer terminally by being 2020-ized.

Take heart, though. However crappy the cultural new-norm winds up being, remember, there will always be sci-fi and fantasy movies without face coverings, and they can always make more WW2 movies!

Dad Jokes Hall of Shame: Quarantine Edition

Mon, 15 Jun 2020 21:00:13 GMT

We can all agree that these times are “unprecedented,” “uncertain” and “challenging,” and I think we can all also unanimously agree we’re utterly sick of hearing those adjectives.

But whatever these pandemic times are called, they are definitely calling for the medicine of laughter. So! Enjoy these quarantine themed dad jokes, or just get your groan on for a bit. It’s better than sighing or sobbing, I guarantee it.

Sounds medically accurate, right?

So much online shopping these days.

AND sustainable!

It wouldn’t surprise me for Amazon to have interspecies demographics.

Snacking is now America’s favorite pastime.

It’s Purelly a good idea.

A bit more relevant than the chicken crossing the road.

We’ve all got our demons.

System error.

My favorite form of exercise.

Tough audience, too.

Weird to be able to say the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020.

Missed opportunity.

I hope you enjoyed these, at best, or, at worst, I hope they weren’t too painful to endure. Stay safe, folks!

An Antidote for Kids’ Digital Addiction

Thu, 23 Apr 2020 17:14:01 GMT

( iD Tech sponsored this post, but it’s my opinion that they’re rad all on their own merit. )

Like a lot of kids, my 10-year-old son is extremely addicted to tech (video games, apps, devices OH MY!) often to his mother’s and my dismay. We try to moderate his digital diet while still trying not to hold him back. Very tough to balance.

Whether someone likes it or not, it’s a bold new digital world. Especially now, where everyone’s staying connected from their homes.

If you can’t beat ‘em, focus ‘em!

Rather than try to endlessly battle my son’s digital desires, I see there’s an opportunity to direct him into something that will actually ADVANCE him in the modern world.

So “why iD Tech” you ask? See for yourself:

• iD Tech is the world’s #1 STEM summer program for ages 7-17 (very highly-reviewed).

• 20+ years of experience with 450,000 alumni.

• iD Tech transforms your child’s love of apps and video games (yes, even Minecraft and Fortnite) into STEM skills as a foundation for college, internships, and dream jobs at companies like Google, EA, and Tesla.

• Virtual tech camps and year-round online private lessons, as well as 150 prestigious campuses worldwide, from Stanford University and NYU to Caltech and University of Cambridge.

My reason, as a parent:

With iD Tech, I can channel his obsessive enthusiasm into something that actually enhances his place in this age we live in, INSTEAD of constantly fighting with him so he doesn’t “rot his brain” like our parents used to tell us.

When I was a kid , I messed around with computers and played A LOT of video games, and I wound up being a very tech-oriented graphic designer and internet content creator, so I can’t pull that whole “you’ll rot your brain” attitude.

Though, admittedly, some of the YouTube videos he watches feel like they’re kinda brain-rotty. Ugh.

$125 Special Discount Code for Virtual Tech Camps (Use Code: ANDY125)

I encourage you to check out iD Tech for your kid(s), now and for the summer. The world isn’t getting any less digital, and it’s our job to prepare them for the world they’ll live in, not the one we grew up in.

Here he is, happy as a pig in a pen, in a zoom class for his Minecraft World Building Course! He LOVES it.

Nerf Wars (VIDEO)

Sat, 28 Mar 2020 20:47:10 GMT

My son and his friend challenged me to a Nerf War and I, a Nerf pro, absolutely wrecked the noobs. They’re getting better though. Headshots are a great motivator. Sooooo many headshots.

This video is also solid proof that battles are the best with Star Wars blaster sound effects added.

Stay safe and sane, folks!

Unusual Cocktail Ideas for Unusually Resourceful Parents

Wed, 18 Mar 2020 16:36:47 GMT

For parents, the days of partying into the wee-est hours of the night is an ancient thing of past. Aside from baby sitting, it can be hard to keep our eyes pried open long enough to make a second toast.

But just because we’re “all growed up” and raising kids doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the fermented and distilled fruits and grains of adulthood.

Sure, we don’t all have a full bar and exotic, hard to pronounce liqueurs or all shiny thingamajigs bartenders use, but! Parents are ridiculously good at adapting and overcoming. You may not have ever personally made an emergency diaper out of a grocery bag and a spare blankie, but seeing one on a toddler you’d probably nod with understanding respect.

So! Here are a few ideas of some unusual, makeshift parenting-themed cocktails to inspire you child-wielding adapters and overcomers:

Think of it like a whiskey sour, except… a terrible one. Maybe don’t think of it like that.

This is sort of a mashup of a Moscow Mule and an Irish Coffee. So it’s sort of like what happens to all the colors of a playdoh set, but with caffeine.

Cocktails don’t need to be complicated or pretentious. Consider this Exhibit A.

Who are we kidding? We can barely make it through an episode with no alcohol. Zzz Zzz Zzz

Sort of like a White Russian and an Egg Nog-ish cocktail got together and had a baby.

This cocktail idea is really stretching the concept of adapt, improvise and overcome.

So, maybe these cocktail ideas are a little on the weird side. I can’t personally vouch for all of them (especially the Bloody MacGyver), but I encourage you to loosen your neckties and let down your tight hair buns and experiment a little with making drinks with the items you have in your home, without the usual snobbery of traditional fine mixology.

Have fun with it. Maybe some of these will delight you. Maybe some will make you throw up in your mouth a little. Who knows!

And, of course, as always, drink responsibly!

The Great Toilet Paper Debate

Sat, 14 Mar 2020 00:53:04 GMT

The COVID-19 pandemic has resulted in societal hoarding which has catapulted the value of toilet paper up to that of gold or platinum or beef jerky. So! I thought it might be advisable for us all to squat down and take a long, hard… LOOK at a timeless controversy surrounding this now treasured commodity, bum wipe.

Long ago, the website Current Configuration put together a critical but even-handed examination of the RIGHT and the WRONG way to load toilet paper.

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The Scientific Analysis

Toilet paper has a natural curve, a way of being that lends itself to certain orientations on the toilet paper spool. If handled with skill and knowledge, it can provide an abundance of both sanitation and comfort, quilted together in each square of pillowy ply. If handled with clumsy ignorance, or worse, carelessness, it will beset the user with pain, filth, and frustration.

Below are examples of the helpful and fruitful over-hung method on the left and the annoying and detrimental under-hung method on the right.

Notice the dramatic difference in the amount of visible toilet paper. Ironically, it is the over-hung toilet paper that has both the most visible free sheetage and the least amount of sheetage free from the roll to do it. Now, this may not seem like a big deal on its own, but in these extra sheets lies your undoing. Observe.

We here at Current Configuration, for the purposes of ease and expediency, do the one-handed tear (okay, really, it’s just me, but bear with me, er, us). The one-handed tear is a quick maneuver that takes advantage of the perforated squares, allowing your bundle of toilet paper to be liberated with one quick swipe of the arm. This is the foundation of bathroom ease, the cottony bedrock on which enjoyment rests in the restrooms of many nations.

The one-handed tear relies on a quick and forceful motion directed either away from or towards the tear-er. The forces applied in this motion are great and, like the atom, are not to be trifled with. The natural curve of the over-hung method allows the roll to stand fast after a one-handed tear, but the under-hung method creates a calamitous tendency in the roll. This tendency can only lead to this:

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From the Creator

In addition to the very compelling scientific analysis above, I present you with >drum roll< the original 1891 patent for the toilet paper roll!

Now some of you may try to counter this, at the risk of combining controversies, by saying this means nothing, citing that the original creator of the .GIF file format proclaimed it was intended to be pronounced “jif” which is, of course, gust joofy.

Brace for Cat Owners!

Shields up, red alert! I saw you coming and I know you’re about to comment that cat owners have to under-hang your rump rolls because your feline will bat at it until it looks like Frosty the Snowman

Let me present some evidences:

Over-hung toilet paper roll

Under-hung toilet paper roll

Um… does it even matter?

Yes, some of you may be the exception, but it’s not a universally true rule: that under-hanging is right for cat owners. You see, if your cat is a serial tushy tissue killer, I’m afraid the only way you can properly hang a roll is in a lock box or security cage.

Stay healthy and stay over-hung, morning hungover, folks!*
*except for you owners of over-hung TP assassins

Kid’s ENERGETIC Reaction to STAR WARS Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Wed, 26 Feb 2020 22:10:51 GMT

It took me forever to get to finishing the edit of this reaction video. Sometimes Life throws you some serious curves, and apparently 2019 was aiming for my head.

My son and I actually videoed us watching Episode III a YEAR ago. So, for everyone who’s been paining to see his reaction to what most people consider the best of the Prequels, thanks for hanging in there. I hope you enjoy it!

For the extended edit (8:47), click here

Next up will be The Rise of Skywalker! I promise it won’t take me a year to post it this time.

As always, may the Force be with you.

Kinder – The Playdating App

Fri, 14 Feb 2020 00:53:22 GMT

Finding a good match isn’t just a challenge for adults. Most parents have had bad blind play dates, two sets of unpredictable little kids that turn out to be a circle peg in a square hole.

Now, as they say in this age of modern wonder: there’s an app for that.

Little kids can now browse through profiles in search of a new play pal or possible even their next BFFN (best friend for now).

Swipe left if someone seems like a yucky poo head. Swipe right if they seem nice or fun or good at wiggling.

Even without the ability to read or write, or even speak, once a match is made, kids can use Kinder’s babble-dictate and message-speech feature to communicate with each other and develop a connection before begging their parents incessantly for an in-real-life playdate.

Then their parents can struggle to push the dumpster fires of their schedules together for their kids to meet at a park or play space, so they can share in some good times, snacks, giggles, tantrums, and all of the germs.

With Kinder, finding a good match is simple and easy for toddlers! It’s the best playdating app, because it is literally the only one.

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(For those who didn't get it, this is a satirical post 
and the Kinder app does not, in fact, actually exist.)

Dad Jokes Hall of Shame pt. 12

Mon, 27 Jan 2020 23:55:54 GMT

When was the last time you slapped your knee laughing? Okay, maybe I should ask when the last time you groaned and rolled your eyes, because your time has come, my friend! Here are 12 Dad Jokes to get your hardy-har-har on.

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes but when I do have something in my eye it’s always an eyelash

Eyeronic
— sumaiyyahhh (@sumaiyyahhh) March 29, 2014

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) November 18, 2019

I hope at least one of these made you crack a smile. Even if you hated that it did.

Remember to always tell dad jokes responsibly and in moderation, folks!

KidzPoop – Bad Product Idea

Mon, 06 Jan 2020 11:12:00 GMT

So, this may actually be a good product idea if you’re looking to become a millionaire fast, but not so much in terms of overall parenting, and raising kids that aren’t embarrassments in society. Anymore than they already may be.

If you have a little kid, and haven’t yet experienced them replacing words in song lyrics with childish and inappropriate words, you need to either give it time or check to make sure they’re not an android or alien masquerading as your offspring.

You may tell yourself it’s just a phase. Hold on to that hope. Sincerely. Hold on to that hope with a white-knuckled grip. I just might recommend that your don’t place any substantial bets on it.

All of my sons went through this “phase.” And then came back for seconds and thirds. Each phase fading, only to return again later bigger and stronger, with more sophisticated words being remixed into songs.

During the holidays, the family might be serenaded with a classic like Jingle Balls, or a birthday party singalong receiving their Happy Buttday rendition.

And as their musical lexicon expands, you may be rocked with songs like What a Underwearful World, The Wind Beneath my Penis, or Sgt. Pooper’s Lonely Farts Club Band.

Whichever kind of parent you are, try not to laugh, or let that forehead vein burst. It will pass. For a while, at least.

Expecto Harry Potter Land!

Fri, 13 Dec 2019 20:43:41 GMT

It was decided! We were off to Harry Potter world -ehem- I mean, Universal Studios Hollywood.

My wife and I had visited through the years, but now we wanted to see Harry Po-… Um, share it with our son.

Universal Studios provided my family with tickets, so it was only a matter of choosing WHEN. We finally settled on a weekend, and, in the true randomness of life and parenting, it was supposed to rain.

We got there and the weather was very fittingly and very damply English. It was raining. Undaunted, we made our way to the Harry Potter section and dove for cover in whimsical shops.

Then something magical happened…

When we purchased huge Gryffindor umbrellas, the salesperson failed to let us know we were actually buying wands that cast a rain banishing spell.

ExpelliRAINus!

Five minutes after we opened them up the rain stopped and the clouds began parting. Well worth the expense. Also, the rainy forecast made the lines fast as a broomstick ride everywhere!

My wife and I wer-… I mean, OUR SON was delighted by everything. The rides were fun, but it’s really saying something the just seeing all the shops was like seeing a show. We bought him his interactive wand and he ran around casting spells and setting off animated features.

The Christmas decorations throughout the park made everything all the more magical.

We stayed until dark for the very fun Grinchmas Lighting of the Christmas Tree (a family movie favorite), and then finished with the spectacular “The Magic of Christmas at Hogwarts Castle” dazzling light show.

Happy Christmas, to all wizards and witches and muggles!

Protect Your Kids AND Yourself

Thu, 12 Dec 2019 21:17:39 GMT

Parents have to protect their kids from harm all the time, and, ironically, they also have to protect THEMSELVES from their kids. LEGO landmines, sick sneezes to the face, roundhouse kicks to the head. No joke, I have three friends that have had their noses broken from a bobble-headed toddler giving them a surprise head butt. So, it’s our job to be protectors. For them, and ourselves.

There’s really nothing that can prepare you for the Olympic level of adrenaline you’ll burn worrying about your kids and the efforts you’ll take to keep them safe. If it’s not the common dangers of the world, it’s their innate obsession with getting into things they aren’t supposed to…in the blink of an eye.

And since kids are little junkies for bright small shiny objects, the importance of keeping laundry packets out of reach is a big ol’ DUH. But sometimes (or all the time) our foggy parent-brains need a little nudge for even the most obvious things, which is why I’m working with ACI (The American Cleaning Institute) on their Packets Up! campaign to get that nudge out there.

So! Keep your laundry packets packed in their original containers and up and out of reach and sight from children.

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DISCLOSURE: ACI was rad enough to sponsor this post so you and your little ones can enjoy a safe home and a clean wardrobe. Okay, maybe mostly just the safe part. Let’s not get carried away; kids are little filth monsters. HA!

www.packetsup.com

The Ripeness of Kids Clothes Described Like Wines

Fri, 30 Aug 2019 00:32:37 GMT

Kids live life at Volume 11 but often have their hygiene on mute, so the stink they can whip up is truly breathtaking. As in, plug your nose and hold your breath kind of breathtaking.

Like wines, kids seem to ferment with age. Except there’s nothing “fine” about their Cabernet Soverygross or Pee-yoo Noir. Their clothes become deeply infused and we’re the ones left to “enjoy” and launder their vintage stankiness.

What if there were descriptions for the “bouquet” coming off kids’ clothes written like wine enthusiasts describe their adult grape juice?

Burgroady

A full-bodied, earthy fragrance with whispers of wet hay joined with the moldy undertones of an old dishwashing sponge.

You could’ve sworn you had a human child and not a wild animal that forges for food in a dumpster behind an all-you-can-eat buffet. Maybe you were wrong and you need to start looking for a tail.

Ode à la Rosé

This scent politely invites itself into your senses with sweet, delicate notes of honey and crisp morning dew.

HAH! Gotcha! Your child has obviously never even been in the same room as this article of clothing.

Peepee Greassio

Packed with sharp, eye-watering notes of vinegar, followed by the tang of a dog’s moistened leather chew toy as this one opens up.

Don’t throw this in the trash unless you then light the trashcan on fire. If you are going to make the bold attempt to wash this one, use a toy claw to throw it straight into the laundry machine while it’s running on full blast.

Skianki

Tangy locker-room vapors finish with a zesty scent of a coal miner sleeping in the body cavity of a dead yak.

Like the defense mechanism of certain animals, this article of clothing is trying to keep you away with a force field of repelling stench. This one tell the story’s of an entire season of professional athlete’s unwashed “lucky” socks.

Shâteau du Caca

A dank sewage cloud with piercing tones of burnt plastic and the tang of salty tears.

You can almost taste it, so handle it fast, but do so with care. It’s obviously booby trapped with a criminally terrible wipe job or full-scale “accident.”

Crème de la Moustarde

This one leads with a medium-bodied fragrance of carseat yogurt with screaming notes of mace and dubstep.

You’ll probably threw up in your mouth a little. Which would probably be an improvement over what just assaulted your nostrils.

Funk du 40,000 Years

Savage hints of skunk roadkill and hardboiled eggs are tied together with toxic rubber-cement-esque fumes.

Rest assured, your kid has not been “turned” and not now one of the walking dead. Though, being a zombie would seem to explain a lot more about them, this is a perfectly natural unnatural smell.

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A lot of these you’re just going to want to get rid, as in “bury them in a forest” type of get rid of. Best just to replace some clothes, try to forget and move on.

Endgame Best Moments & GIVEAWAY

Tue, 20 Aug 2019 20:58:53 GMT

Celebrating the Blu-ray and Digital release of Avengers: Endgame, Disney has sponsored this post.

At the end of this post you’ll see details for winning an Infinity Gauntlet movie prop replica ($300 value) and, now available for purchase on Blu-ray and Digital, you’ll also win a copy of Avengers: Endgame! (Skip to it)

We all have our favorite moments in great movies, whether they’re pivotal character or plot developments, or just really really cool scenes and great lines.

The entire MCU 22-movie saga (click for chart) is loaded with these moments, and Avengers: Endgame is bursting with them.

If you don’t have Endgame moments where you clench your jaw or grip your seat, or laugh, or tear up, you should probably check yourself for a pulse. I have at least a dozen points where I tear up or whisper “yeeeesssss!” Let’s have a look at some!

Spotlight on Endgame Moments

Here are three moments for each of the original 6 Avengers. The first pictures are safe, the second is spoilery, and the third is incredibly spoilery!

Click the right side to see the next image.

Captain America Moments

Hawkeye Moments

Thor Moments

Black Widow Moments

Hulk Moments

Iron Man Moments

Aside from being an incredible movie by itself, Avengers: Endgame is a brilliant love letter to the entire saga of 22 movies, culminate in the cinematic grand finale of all finales. Get it today on Blu-ray, Digital and 4K… OR WIN IT BELOW!

ENTER TO WIN!
(Ends Aug. 30)

You could win a hand-made Infinity Gauntlet metal movie prop replica, with LED light-up Infinity Stones that magnetically snap in! You’ll also get a Blu-ray and Digital copy of Avengers: Endgame clutched in its fist!

To enter, just use your Facebook or email to begin (U.S. residents), then click on the button at the bottom, which will take you to the Facebook post where you’ll need to like, comment your favorite Avenger, and share the post on your Facebook.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Avengers fans, ASSEMBLE! Good luck!

Dogs vs Cats, 18 Funny Comics

Thu, 04 Jul 2019 17:37:42 GMT

I once heard a joke that if you call a dog an a-hole, the owner will go off on you, but if you call a cat an a-hole its adoring owner will probably shrug and go “yeeeeaah.”

Cats and dogs are obviously different, and we’ve all got our preferences, equal loves, allergies or dislikes. We’re all more different to each other than cats and dogs are to each other.

1. Pet Texting

Adam Ellis

2. Enchanted Fountain

The Oatmeal

3. Emotions

Binnie Cat

4. Hershey’s Kisses

Adam Ellis

5. The Chosen One

Loryn Brantz

6. STAY CALM

They Can Talk

7. Heaven & Hell

Sarah Andersen

8. Meetings

Becky Barnicoat

9. So Angry

Irma Kniivila

10. Gold Medalist

Catsu the Cat

11. Wh-what’s in a Name?

Sarah Andersen

12. Ewwwww

Adam Ellis

13. Rise and Shine

Lucas Turnbloom

14. He’s a Good Security Question

15. Cause of Death

Loryn Brantz

16. Lookie, No Touchie

They Can Talk

17. A Petting Guide

18. BUT WHY?

Adam Ellis

Are Ads Reading Your Mind?

Fri, 21 Jun 2019 19:45:29 GMT

Have your kids ever begged for something, or you saw a new product you wanted to try, and the next thing you know, you’re miraculously seeing ads for it everywhere??? It can kinda freak you out and make you wonder if your phone or home is bugged.

You’re just idly scrolling through Facebook or watching YouTube and an ad pops up for something you were literally JUST thinking about and haven’t even mentioned out loud yet.

You know it HAS to be more than coincidence… and you’re right.

“ARE THEY USING
ALIEN TECHNOLOGY TO
CHOOSE MY ADS?!”

Not quite, but the truth is out there. Here, actually. What IS happening is that there ARE super smart and savvy marketers who use technology to connect you with content that is actually relevant. I went behind the scenes with Rinck, a full-service marketing and PR agency that I’ve partnered with over the years, to reveal some of the brilliant little techniques they use to find their clients’ exact audiences.

“Okay so, what’s the secret?”

You might guess they’re somehow reading your mind. No. And yes. The CEO of Rinck Advertising, Peter Rinck, said the reason you’re seeing these ads is simple: it’s called smart targeting.

Today’s targeting includes a massive amount of demographic information; your interests, your behaviors, your online activity…even the behaviors of your family, friends, and other people who are statistically like you.

“Tell me HOW!!!”

Here are some of the clever ways your online activity is being used so that brands can target you and… well, everyone.

Social Is as Social Does

Most of us know that the things we do on social media seem to paint a digital statistical picture of us; the videos we watch or like, the posts we react to, the things we share, where we check in, all of it.

A frequent traveler adding locations to their Instagram posts will identify themselves as a strong prospect for hospitality and transportation brands. Someone who pins recipes can get targeted by agencies like Rinck for the food brands they service, with recipes that include their products.

Show Smart Targeting Example

Getting Engaged

No, I don’t mean putting a ring on it. We’re talking about engaging with ads. If you click on an ad online or in your Facebook feed for a baby carrier and ultimately buy it, you’ve been tagged as an “engaged shopper,” as well as someone who is very likely expecting a child.

Show Smart Targeting Example

Going Through Your Inbox

Those ads that show up in your inbox looking like an email didn’t get there by accident. Don’t worry, there are no Google employees reading all of your emails. Automated algorithms are used to find keywords in the emails you send, receive, open, and interact with to flag your interests.

Friends & Family Giving You Away

You know the saying “you are known by the company you keep”? Smart marketers certainly do.

Yes, it may be true that YOU didn’t know that your kid wanted a specific soccer bag until she got in the car and started complaining about how EVERY OTHER GIRL on the team has one. But somehow when you got home, the first thing you see on your phone is an ad for that exact product. HOW? Because Facebook knows you’re connected with the parents of the girl’s soccer team. You share similar interests and are frequently in the same locations. Those other parents have been busy searching for, posting about and buying this soccer bag – that makes you a prime candidate for that brand.

Digital Doppelgangers

Maybe you’ve read to this point and you’re thinking: “They’re not gonna get me! I’ll go off the grid!” Sorry. Even without much online activity, sharp marketing teams can still find you based on “look-a-like audiences.” These are databases of people with certain desired activities, like watching a video, clicking ads, or purchasing products. Social media sites then use that information to find other users that “look” or act just like them. This means that you can get targeted for something you have never searched, typed, engaged with or clicked on, but still get served an ad. Gotcha!

Even the Weather Is in on It

Surprisingly, something as completely out of your hands as the weather can label you as part of a desired audience for a brand and its marketing team!

Rinck has used weather-triggered targeting, where pet-parents received messaging about a calming supplement that helps pets deal with thunder-induced anxiety in weather apps and social feeds prior to a storm in their area. They even followed up with search ads targeting those who were Googling “calming pets during thunderstorms.”

Show Smart Targeting Example

Creepy or Cool?

“The worst thing we can do for our clients is waste money showing an ad to someone who isn’t interested and who might never be interested,” said Rinck. “We use technology to try to deliver ads right when you need to learn about something. Sometimes, it’s RIGHT when you need to learn. And that does sometimes feel a little weird.”

Now that you know a little more about the magic advertisers are using to find you, how do you feel about it? Is it an invasion of privacy? Or a huge help? Personally, I like that I see ads that are relevant to me based on my interests. In fact, as a parent, it’s kind of nice to be listened to for a change.

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Disclosure: Thanks to the smart people at Rinck for sponsoring this post. They’re incredible to work with and I’m not just saying that because they’ve worked with me. These opinions are my own, because I’m the boss of me, m’kay.

Honey, I Shrunk the Race Track

Tue, 28 May 2019 20:02:16 GMT

Most of the times when I played with miniature vehicles and action figures as a kid (and as an adult if we’re being honest), I’d be sort of above it all, like a looming god of make-believe, or at least like a third-person view in a video game.

Sometimes, though, I got down there. Hugging the ground, I’d really try to imagine myself in the scale of the worlds I would set up, a bookshelf battle scene, a driveway race car track, a garden jungle to explore.

This video puts me right back there, with the excitement of imagineering myself into a miniature perspective.